A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”
There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.
A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”
There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him,
“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”
A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks.
The horse asks, “What are you staring at?”
Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.
He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?”
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?“
“No,” says the bum.
The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?”
Again the bum says, “No.”
So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”