Q: What did the bird say to the racing squirrel?
A: You walnut beat that!

There was an old man from The Wirral,
Who tried it on with a squirrel,
The squirrel just laughed,
Kicked the man up the @r$e,
And said “Why don’t you try it with Cyril?”

Q: Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
A: To get down to the nuts and bolts.

Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.

Q: Why was the squirrel late for work?
A: Traffic was NUTS.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).

What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground

Will those do you P ?

Q: Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?
A: They drive everyone nuts.

Q: Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
A: It was one tough nut to crack.

Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.

Q: Why do squirrels swin on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!

Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat…..Nuts.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Katy Perry fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).

Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?
A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

Q: How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually, none because squirrels only change bulbs that are NUT broken.

Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Q: How do you catch a rich squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.

Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.

Q: Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Because they’re so darn stupid!

Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.

Q: Why shouldn’t you rape a tree?
A: There might be a squirrel in there in there looking for nuts