hippcratic Oath

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Q: How do you make sure a hippo is telling you the truth?
A: Make him take the Hippocratic Oath.

Mulatto scuba

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Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A mulatto scuba diver who has just been mauled to death by a shark

Porcupine with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Porcupine with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Alligator in a vest

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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Bones in the ground

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Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Non typical white tail

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Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

Elephant wear sneakers

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Q :Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
A :So that he can sneak up on mice!

The Door Won’t close

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Q: How can you tell if there’s a dinosaur in the refrigerator ?
A: The door won’t close!

Potato with elephant

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Q :What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
A :Mashed potatoes!

Zebra and Micheal Jackson

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Q: What does a zebra and michael jackson have in common?
A: They can’t decide whether to be black or white!

Lifetime ban on frogs

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?
A :A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

Dog sits on his chair

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Q: Why wouldn’t the dog sit on his chair?
A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there.

Bambooozled lose his dinner

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Q: How did the panda who lose his dinner?
A: He was “Bamboozled”!

Elephant weighs nothing

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Q :What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A :Its shadow!

Stupid one

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Q: Where do you find polar bears?
A: It depends on where you lost them.

Platypus learning new language

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Q: When does a platypus go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Raccon learning new language

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Q: When does a Raccoon go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Bear ate lease

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Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Worst then a bite

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Q :Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
A :His balk was worse than his bite!

Call four female deer

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Q: What do you call four female deer?
A: FO REAL DOE

They are filled with Arab semens

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Q: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
A: Because they are filled with Arab semen!

Female Squirrel

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Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.

Shoud I call 911

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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It’s a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me, “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the hamster!” “Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.” “What?” My son demanded.
“But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce!” I accused my wife. “Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!” She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). “Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” My son agreed. “Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“OH, Gross!” They shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don’t you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified. “Do something, Dad!” My son urged. “Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” My eldest daughter wanted to know,” Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, a c-section?” I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” My wife asked. “Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us.
“This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.”
“What?”
“You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um… er… masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So Ernie’s just… just… excited?”! My wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing tha

On the Rocks

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Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

Odor in the court

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Q: What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? A: Odor in the court!

Kind Of cat to have

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Q: What’s the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!

Cristmas is coming

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Q : How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
A : He looks at his calen-“deer”!

Chicken coop have two doors :D

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Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Sharks so partiotic

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Q: Why are sharks so patriotic?
A: They are marine fish

Finding half an apple

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Q :What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
A :Finding half an apple!

Drinking whole night

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A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my ferret.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a ferret.”

Owl City

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Q: Where do you go for a good time?
A: Owl City.

Turtle Neck

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Q: What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Giraffe?
A: A Turtle-Neck

Shellmet

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Q: What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
A: A shellmet.