Religios skunk

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Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: “Let us spray!”

Drinking Eve

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man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my grasshopper.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a grasshopper.”

Cross a Donkey with

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Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!

Jawbreaker

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Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.

Teenage sharks

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Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site
A: MyShark

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

Life in a Zoo

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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow” said the cow. “Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make milk for the farmer” said the cow. “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken,” said the chicken. “Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken. “Right – o, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

Dinosaur slept all day

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Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ?
A: The dino-snore!

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Smarter talking cat

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Q: What is smarter than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

mattypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus and a long division problem? A: A Mathypus.

night of drinking

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A man and his pet Lemur walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my Lemur.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Lemur falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a Lemur.”

Pure Evil

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Q: Which dinosaur is pure evil?
A: Daemonosaurus.

Night cream

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Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay

Its Shadow

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Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

Sheep with no legs

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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Tweeting on test

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Police comb the area

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Q: What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street?
A: The police had to comb the area.

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

Fortune Cookie

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Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito?
A: An otter fortune cookie

Grizzly mood

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Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?
A: When it’s in a “grizzly” mood.

Ahmed with a big smile

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There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, ‘I am sorry but I have some bad news – the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.’

Ahmed replies, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’
‘Can’t do that,’ burrs the farmer, ‘I went out and spent it already.’

Ahmed sighs, ‘OK just unload the donkey anyway.’
Farouk then asks, ‘What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an’ that?’ I’ll raffle him off,’ laughs Ahmed.

The farmer exclaimed, ‘Aargh, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey.’

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, ‘Sure I can. Watch.
Just don’t tell anyone the donkey is dead.’

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
‘Whatever happened to that dead donkey?’Funny Donkey Story

Ahmed answers, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.’

Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’

‘The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,’ chuckled Ahmed, ‘so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.’

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Dog and pony show

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Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn’t stop talking like a horse?
A: It was a dog and pony show.

Elephant with carrot

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Q :What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
A :Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Coraka cola

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Croaka-cola!

How many arms Alligators have

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Q: How many arms has a alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!

Box of quackers

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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers

Sharks boogers

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Q: Whats green and gross and lives under the sea?
A: Shark boogers!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Lawn moo-er

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Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A: a lawn moo-er.