Cat in a station wagon

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Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet

Chicken cross the playground

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!

Religiuos Eskimo

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The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a baby polar bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the polar bear’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the baby polar bear. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Southern hospitality

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Q: How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse?
A: With Southern Horspitality!

Talking lemur…

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Lemur?
A: A spelling bee!

Cougar eat peoples

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Q: On which day do cougar eat people ?
A: Chewsday !

Frog at Halloween

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Q : What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A : A prince.

Alligator bits the Seargent Penis

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At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: “The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment.” An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off. “Now who’s ready to show their commitment?” said the Seargent. A man put his hand up and said “I will, but promise you won’t poke me in the eyes.”

horn-aments

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Q :What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
A : “Horn”-aments!

Why Harbhajan Slapped Sreesanth ?

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Our Harbhanjan Singh was enjoying Match.

Yuvraj Singh came and asked him, “Are you relaxing?”

Bhajji answered, “No I am Harbhajan Singh”

VRV Singh Came and asked the same Question.

He answered, “No! No!, Me Harbhajan Singh”

Third one came and asked the same question, Bhajji was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

cricket-game

While walking he saw Sreesanth enjoying the Match. He went and asked him “Are you Relaxing?”

The Sreesanth answered “Yes I am relaxing.”

Bhajji slapped him on his face and said “Are sab tere Ko wahan dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.”

Elephant never washes

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Q :What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A :A smellyphant!

Cross cat with Owl

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl?
A: Meowls.

Charging with credit cards

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Q :How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A :Take away his credit card!

King Arthurs

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Q: What is King Arthur?s favorite fish?
A: A swordfish.

Chewing gum cross the road

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Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to chickens bum.

Hopthalmologist

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Q :Did you hear about the frog with glasses?
A :He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

Horse that lose a race

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Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Chimpanzee favourtie music

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Q: What’s a chimpanzee’s favourite music band?
A: The Gorillaz!

Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Drunk-man

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

Smiles For you

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24 SmileS..

🙂
:-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-):-):-)
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
:-):-):-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-)
🙂

For You,

One For Each Hour.!
So ThaT You Keep SMiLiNG 24 HOURS At EiD DaY..

Office memo

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Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

What the Fuc** dude..!!

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A koala is sitting up a Eucalypt tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala ! What are you doing?” The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?” The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalypt tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalypts tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!” So the koala looks down at him and says: “WTFFFF dude … how much water did you drink?

pogo stick

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Q:What is a grasshopper?
A:An insect on a pogo stick!

Duck, Skunk and Deer went to dinner

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Drinking shaun

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
The surpised grasshopper says “You have a drink named Shaun?”

The indian life is best because…

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Indian flag

* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.

* You make tea in a saucepan.

* You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.

* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.

* You have a ‘Singer Brother’ sewing machine at home.

* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk to her for ten years.

* You call an older person you’ve never met before “uncle”.

* You hide everything from your parents.

* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

* Everyone is a family friend.

* Everyone always called you for help on homework.

* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.

* You were thick so you read computer science or business instead.

* You know no one who has read music.

* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.

* You only make telephone calls after 6pm.

* You like the meat well done.

* You eat onions with everything.

* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.

* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you’re with but the waiters don’t understand you.

* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.

* You always say “open the light” instead of “turn the light on”.

* You secure your baggage with a rope.

* You’re walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.

* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.

* You go back to your parents’ country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.

* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.

* To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid.

* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names.

* Your parents call all your friends “Beta” whether they are Indian or not.

* If you aren’t married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it’s too late.

* You are sick and tired of answering questions about “the dot”.

* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried.

* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried.

* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they’re not fighting.

* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian’s house, your parents always talk about businesses… especially if they’re for sale.

* The second you pull out of someone’s driveway, your parents start talking about them.

* Your parents worry what other people will think if you’re not going to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer.

* You’re parent’s always say, “It’s cheaper in India”

Human balls

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Q: What do cat sharks cough up?
A: Human balls.

Tickeled to death

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Q: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
A: She was tickled to death!

Cross turtle with Flu Shock

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Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a flu shot?
A: a slow-poke.

Ice Burgers

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Q: What do penguins eat for lunch?
A: Ice-burgers!

10 cats in a boat

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Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None, because they were copycats!