A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”
Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey’s uncle.
Q: Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!
Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal
Q: How do you catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana!
Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can’t hear you!
Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell jokes about people!
Q: What do you call a Chimpanzee that works in a bar?
A: A Monkey Wench.
Q: What do you call an angry monkey?
A: Furious George.
Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.
Q: What do you call a restaurant that throws food in your face?
A: a Monkey Business.
Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail? A: To a retailer!
Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A: A chipmunk
Q: How do you get an escaped lion back into his habitat?
A: With a bargaining chimp.
Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?