Elephant with carrot

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Q :What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
A :Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

A begal

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What do you call a seagull when it flies over the bay?
A bagel.

Cow have a pogo stick

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Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.

Strawberry jam

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch?
A: Strawberry jam !

Penguins on a rampage

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Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: a penguin on a rampage

Religious Tiger

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Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

Cute Friday

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Q: A man from the olden days rode into town on his horse he spended six days and left on Friday how is this possible?
A: Friday was the name of his horse.

Scary Llama story

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Q: What do guard llamas tell their sheep around the campfire at night?
A: They tell each other scary llama stories.

Ball Point Gorilla

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Q :What’s black, hairy, and writes under water?
A : A ball-point gorilla!

Control over wife

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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
Men-under-bed

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.

Duck Billed

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a scruffy old tom cat?
A: A duck billed tatty pus.

Gorilla Sunday

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Q :How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae?
A: Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

Shark eart for dinner

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Q: What does a shark eat for dinner?
A: Whatever it wants!

Snore-a-sorus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that’s a loud sleeper?
A: A Snore-a-sorus

sloth get fired

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Turtle Disaster

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Q: What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A: a turtle disaster.

Whale Of story

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Q: Did you hear about the flying whale?
A: Actually its a whale of a story.

Live in Ocean and not

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Q: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky
A: The sky is Jet territory

Swimming trucks

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Q :What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
A :Swimming Trunks

Catch an English Squirrel

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Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

Tire-annosaurus

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Q: What made the dinosaur’s car stop ?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Let us pray!

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Q: What does the cougar say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
A: ‘Let us prey.’

Penguin Catch at night

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Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.

Reindeer stops lunch

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Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch? “Deery” Queen!

Lilly Love

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Q : What do you call a woman with a toad on her head?
A : Lilly.

They Smell Nasty

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Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because their feet smell!

Bull spies on another bull

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Q: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
A: A steak-out!

Bird that lays down

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A: A bird that lays down!

Baby owl swimming

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Q: What do you call a baby owl swimming?
A: A moist-owlette

ferret with carrot

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Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Stripey sweater

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

Rabbit in wedding night

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Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding?
A: They went on their bunnymoon!

Sheep and a moody cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Get tongue tied!

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Q :What happens when two frogs collide?
A :They get tongue tied!

Baby Dinosaur

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Q: What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?
A: Baby Dinosaurs.

Sheep Arrested

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Q: Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
A: Because she did a ewe-turn!

Raulph irregular

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Q : Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
A : No, he was “elf”-taught!

Leave his momma

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Q: Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
A: Because he couldn’t bear it!

Chocolate Baar

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Q: what is a sheep’s favourite food?
A: chocolate baar.

Pyramids of Giza

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Q: Did you know that cats designed the great pyramids of Giza?
A: It was all drawn out on paw-pyrus.

Taunt an Alligtaor

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Q: Why shouldn’t you taunt an alligator?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.

What is the answer ?

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One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Test Answers

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …!!!

Owl learns a new language

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Q: When does a Owl go “mooooo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Religios skunk

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Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: “Let us spray!”

Cross Squirell with Kangroo

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What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground

Will those do you P ?

Christmas At beach

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Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claws!

Frogs in Library

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One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching “bouk bouk” But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking “red-it red-it”

Long distance caw

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Q :Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
A :He wanted to make a long distance caw.

Cross a dog and a calculator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A: A friend you can count on.

frog parks illegally

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Q :What happens when frogs park illegally?
A: They get toad!

Her shadow

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Q: What’s as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
A: Her shadow!

Dinosaur trick are so rare

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Q: What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks?
A: More than the dinosaur !

As far as you can get

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Q: How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ?
A: As fur as you can get!

Naked Horse

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Q: Why was the horse naked?
A: Because the jockey fell off.

Horse name was Friday

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Q: How did the cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay for three days, and ride out on Friday?
A: His horse’s name was Friday!

Compass

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Q: What do you call a donkey with built-in GPS?
A: Comp-ass.

Lifetime ban on frogs

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?
A :A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

an octapus

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Q:what do you get when you cross a platypus with 8 tenticles? A: An octa-pus.

Cross cow with lawnmoower

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmooer.

Taunt a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you taunt a crocodile?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.

Hump and Dump Scheme

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Q: Did you hear about the camel who was accused of stock fraud?
A: He took part in a hump and dump scheme.

They cant catch it

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Q: Why don’t crocodiles like fast food?
A: Because they can’t catch it!

Cutlet above the rest

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Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

Gorilla in the soup

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Q: Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies?
A: Did you ever hear a customer complain ‘Waiter, there’s a Gorilla in my soup!’

3Legged Hamster

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Q :What do you call a hamster with 3 legs?
A: Hamputee.

An Alarm Cluck

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Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!

Dino – shore

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Q: Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
A: To the dino-shore !

Lazy hippopotamus

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Q: What do you call a lazy hippo?
A: A hippopota-mess!

The taxi driver & S.T Peter

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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

ST peter

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”

Dinosaur gets car Accident

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Q: What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident?
A: Tyrannasaurus wreck!

Have a stupid dog

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Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

An Expert Dele Gator

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Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the badger stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Bargaining Chimp

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Q: How do you get an escaped lion back into his habitat?
A: With a bargaining chimp.

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Baseball player with Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a frog?
A :An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.

Teenage mutant ninja turtle

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Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A: You get shell shocked.

Moooving up in the world

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Q: What do you call a cow with an assistant?
A: Moooooving up in the world.

Lemur a fast food

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Q: What does a lion call a lemur?
A: Fast Food.

Drive Everyone Nuts

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Q: Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?
A: They drive everyone nuts.

Grapes under the Owl

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Q: What did the grape say when the Owl stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Politically savy

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Q: Who was the politcally saavy shark’s favorite Newsweek reporter?
A: Fareed Sharkaria

Girl call a frog

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Q :What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
A :Lily!

Bihari teacher had once gone to cenima

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A Bihari teacher had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school…
” Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre”

He was Chicken

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Q: Why did the rooster run away?
A: He was chicken!

Redneck owns 6 Goats

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Q :What do you call a redneck who owns 6 goats?
A :A pimp.

Sandy clawss

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Q: What do you call a tiger that likes to dig in the sand?
A: Sandy claws!

Whale Weigh Station

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Q: Where are whales weighed?
A: At a whale weigh station

Alchoholic Porcupine

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A man and his pet porcupine walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my porcupine.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the porcupine falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a porcupine.”

Sharks attacks lawyer

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Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

Brick layer

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Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!

Frog leave his hat

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Q :Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
A :In the croakroom!

bulllshit

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Q : Why are there twelve reindeer?
A : No reason!

Machcher ko maar daal

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Malik alsi nokar se:– Yahan par itne sare machcher gun-gun kar rahen hai tu unhe maar gira.

Thodi der bad

mosquitoo

Malik:- Abe sale nokar ke bachche maine tujhe machcher marne ko kaha abhi tak tune mare nahi. Woh ab bhi gun-guna kar rahe hai

Alsi nokar:- Malik machcher toh maine maar diye. Yeh toh unki bibi hai jo vidhva ho kar ro rahi hai.

Dinasour’s car stops

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Q: What made the dinosaur’s car stop ?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Hide and Speak

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Q: What is a parrot’s favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Dead-letter office

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Q: Where do dinosaurs get their mail ?
A: At the dead-letter office!

Dinosaur lay in the sun

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Q: Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun?
A: At the dino-shore

hungry platy

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Q: Why did the platypus cross the road?
A: Because there was free food on the other side.

Bird doesn’t have a Hoot

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Q: What do you call an owl with a sore throat?
A: A bird that doesn’t give a hoot!

Comet cleans sinks

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Q : Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid?
A : Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Sick bird

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Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment

Bring toilet paper

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Q :Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?
A :Because he is a party pooper.

Beautiful underware going to office

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Teacher : is di english daso “Sunder chadha office ja riha hai”

Santa : beautiful underwear is going to office. :-)

Scientist Crossed zebra and Donkey

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Q: Did you know that scientists crossed a zebra and a donkey?
A: They called it a zeedonk.

Choclate chimp

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Q: What is a gorilla’s favorite cookie?
A: Chocolate chimp!

Email to wife (wrong recipient)

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A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

computer-in-hotel

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

Lawyers are clever

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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”

Clever lawyer

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said,
“I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount”

Drowing otter

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Q: How do you save a drowning otter?
A: Take your foot of its head

Llama fall out of tree

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Q: Why did the llama fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead

Pros and Cons Chart

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Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart?
A: He was CON-fused!

Ptera Don

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Q: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?
A: Ptera Don

Give practical example of this principle

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Math Teacher :
If a=b  and b=c then a=c,
now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.

Math-student
Student
:
I love you sir
and you love your daughter
which means I love your daughter.

Long back..

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Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”

But now they are called….
….
….
..
..
..
.

it-professional-joke

.
.
.

“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”

mattypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus and a long division problem? A: A Mathypus.

One hump at a time

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Q: How do you have sex with a camel?
A: One hump at a time.

Pretend to be Nut-wood

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Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?
A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

Cross dogs with frog

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Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

Sergeants in tha army

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Q: How are tigers are like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

A grow

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Q: What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A: A growl!

Stand up comedy

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Q: Why doesn’t anybody like the stand-up comedy of Margaret Shark? A: She bites!

Mole of molasses

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Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?
A: A mole of molasses!

Cross turtle with Flu Shock

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Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle and a flu shot?
A: a slow-poke.

Mole bites the Dog

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Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!

Odor in the court

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Q: What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? A: Odor in the court!

Raining cats and dogs

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Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.

Zebra Went To heaven

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A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him “You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?” St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he’s the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, “God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?”
God answered, “You are what you are.”

The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
“Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…”
“What was the answer,” St. Peter asked.

“Well I still don’t know. All He said was: ‘You are what you are.”‘

“Well that answers it,” Said St. Peter. “You’re a white horse with black stripes.”

“How do you know that?” asked the zebra.

“Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: “You is what you is”.

Isko bolo humne Hajj bi kia hai

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1 Pathan Eid ki Namaz parh raha tha
.
To dosra usky bare mai kesi ko bata raha tha ke yai boht Namazi owr naik banda hai.
.
Pathan Namaz thor kar bola:
Es ko bolo ke “hum ne Haj bhi kia hai”

Butter on the farm

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Q :What do you call the best ‘butter’ on the farm?
A :A goat!

Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Drunk-man

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her , then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said, “Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?”

Taalking frog

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Q :What do you call a talking frog?
A :A quantum leap.

Shark throw his Clock

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Q: Why did the shark throw his clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly!

Drinking Eve

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man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my grasshopper.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a grasshopper.”

Catch a Gay Squirrel

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Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).

Gorila griller

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Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head?
A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)

cleanest antlers

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Q :Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A : Comet!

Brave men of army

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General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

Army officer with wife

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

Sheeps on vication

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Q: Where do sheep go on vacation?
A: To the baaaaaahamas.

Waiting for her husband

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wife-waiting-for-husband

Wife waiting for husband with three domestic weapons 😛

Missed match socks

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Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash?
A: Evidence.

Sparrow-chute

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Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With its sparrowchute.

What the Fuc** dude..!!

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A koala is sitting up a Eucalypt tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala ! What are you doing?” The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?” The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalypt tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalypts tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!” So the koala looks down at him and says: “WTFFFF dude … how much water did you drink?

Ahmed with a big smile

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There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, ‘I am sorry but I have some bad news – the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.’

Ahmed replies, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’
‘Can’t do that,’ burrs the farmer, ‘I went out and spent it already.’

Ahmed sighs, ‘OK just unload the donkey anyway.’
Farouk then asks, ‘What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an’ that?’ I’ll raffle him off,’ laughs Ahmed.

The farmer exclaimed, ‘Aargh, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey.’

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, ‘Sure I can. Watch.
Just don’t tell anyone the donkey is dead.’

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
‘Whatever happened to that dead donkey?’Funny Donkey Story

Ahmed answers, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.’

Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’

‘The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,’ chuckled Ahmed, ‘so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.’

Saint Cowboy

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a ferret walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the ferret’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the ferret. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A dumb Ass!!

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Q: What do you call a donkey that was born with a brain injury?
A: A dumb ass!!!

What did the chicken Do?

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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, ” Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question… What did the chicken do?”

Rep . Tile

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!

Santa lambi drive te

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Jeeto: asi kithe ja rahe h?

santa:lambi drive te.

Jeeto: pehla dasna si, me bachiya nu v le ana si!

Santa: mainu v kehda kithe pta si, gaddi de break hune fail hoye h.

Bankrupt Cowboy

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Q: Why can’t the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He’s got no beef.

Sexy elephant figure

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In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.

Sexy elephant figure

Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 – 2400 – 3600!!”

Somethin about Owl

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Q: Did you hear the one about the owl?
A: It was a hoot.

Penguin Rolling Down

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Q: What’s black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill

Mcdonald’s run out of Chicken

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Q: Why did McDonald’s run out of chicken McNuggets?
A: The farmer counted his chickens before they hatched.

Mos-cows

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Q: Where do Russians get their milk?
A: From Mos-cows

Light at night

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A: A tiger moth!

Miss Ape-ril!

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Q:How did Gertie Gorilla make the ‘Playboy’ Calendar?
A:She was ‘Miss Ape-ril!’

Penguins in Desert

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Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost!

Pay the taxi fare

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Q: Why didn’t the platypus pay the taxi driver?
A: Because he only had a one-dollar-bill!

Llamas and alpacas

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Q: What’s the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas?
A: Alpacas have more dark meat!

Goat playin the piano

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Q :What do you call a goat playing the piano?
A :Billy Joel.

Bush, Laaloo and dog

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Bush: Tujhe swimming aati hai?
Laaloo: No!

Bush:Tere se kutta acha hai jo swim kar leta hai.
Laaloo: Tujhe aati hai?

Swimmer dog

Bush:Haan!
Laaloo: Fir tere mein aur kutte mein kya farak hai…

Call 114 frogs

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Q :What do you call 144 frogs in a box?
A :Gross!

At the South Pole

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Q: Where do penguins go swimming?
A: At the South Pool!

Croakus

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Q: What’s a toads favorite flower?
A: A croakus!

Deer with no eyes

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

Peeling well..

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Q: Why did the gorilla go to the doctor?
A: Because his banana wasn’t peeling very well!

Cheer him up

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Q: What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ?
A: Cheer him up

Cross parrot with Gorilla

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Q : What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?
A : Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you’d listen!

Ten pounds difference

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Q :Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant?
A :Ten pounds.

Cougar croosed the road

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Q: Why did the cougar cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Penguins In Revolving Door

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Q: What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Picnic Basket

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Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the “Bear” necessities.

He had little Ape-tude

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Q :Why did the Gorilla fail English?
A : He had little Ape-titude!

In the Dark

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Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ?
A: In the dark!

Love shark

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Q: What was the sharks favorites song
A: Love Shark

Policeman Give the sheep

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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.

Sheep takes a bath

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Q: Where do sheeps take a bath?
A: In a baaaa-th tub!

Anywhere wants to

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Q: Where does a cougar sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

Abrahmster lincoln

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Q :What do you call a hamster with a top hat?
A: Abrahamster Lincoln

Llama – ables

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Q: What did the llama have for dinner?
A: Llama-ables

Shark Avoid serving

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Q: How did the shark avoid serving in the army?
A: He was a conscientious ob-shark-ter

Racist Zebra

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There once were two little zebras who wanted to know if they were white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. One little zebra suggested to visit the “Zebra of the Wise” The two little zebras went to the Zebra of the wise and asked, “Are we black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?” The Zebra of the wise replied ” We are who we are.” The one little zebra said “OK” and ran away. Then the other little zebra followed him. The one little zebra said to the other… ” He didn’t answer us, so what are we?” The one little zebra said ” We are white with black stripes.” The other zebra said “how do you know that.” Then the little zebra said, ” Well if we were black with white stripes he would have said ” We is who we is.”

Turtle Wax

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Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Giraffe winning a horse race

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Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.

Cross cat with Owl

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl?
A: Meowls.

Credit Card

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

Name six wild animals

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Q :Teacher: “Name six wild animals”
A :Students:”Four elephants and two lions!”

Dino-mite

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks?
A: A dino-mite

Freeze a jolly

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Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Hare -raising tail

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Q: Why did the rabbit like the adventure?
A: It was a “hare-raising tail”

Shooting in my shorts

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Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I’ve been shooting in my shorts!

Cow is a best dancer

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Q: How can you tell which cow is the best dancer?
A: Wait til one busts a moooooove

Get into Donners house

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Q : How do you get into Donner’s house?
A : You ring the “deer”-bell!

Two Hunters

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Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, “I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies, “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, “Where the heck are we?” The other looks around and replies, “About 200 yards further than we got last year!”

Card shark

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Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CARDSHARK

Tourist in sleeping bag

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Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: “Sandwiches!”

Cross a cow and a duck

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers!

Drizzle bears

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Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Spanish Goats

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Q :What do you call a Spanish goat with no back legs?
A :Gracias.

Green Pistachio Nuts

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Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.

Biharu lalu Yadav decide to learn English

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So Lalu Yadav finally decides to learn English. An instructor extremely fluent in English is hired for the job.
The instructor fully confident claims that if he is locked up in a room with Lalu for a week he will surely teach him English. So the orderlies lock Lalu and the instructor in a room
When the room is opened after a week the instructor comes out and says .. “Eee Lalua ke angrezi sikhana to bahute mushkil baat ba”

Difference between Cat and Frog

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Q :What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A :A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

Anything you like..

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears?
A. Anything you like, he won’t hear you!

Milk shake

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Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow?
A: Milk Sheikh!

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

Banarama..

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Q: What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group?
A: Bananarama!

Sheep go when they die

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Q: Where do sheep go when they die?
A: To the baa baa que.

Sheep with no legs

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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Short Dinosaur

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

Big ho peep

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Q :Who lost a herd of elephants?
A :Big bo peep!

Let out a little wine

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Q :What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A :Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Zebra black and White peace

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Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.
I suppose when you’ve seen one lion catch a zebra, you’ve seen a maul.

Dino sore

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Q: What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
A: Dino-sore!

17 Management Funda’s for you

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1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”
office-management-fundas
7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”
offce-computers
13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

Dino-saw

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Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
A: A dino-saw !

How many arms Alligators have

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Q: How many arms has a alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!

Clucl o the irish

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
A: The Cluck o’the Irish!

Fortune Cookie

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Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito?
A: An otter fortune cookie

Cristmias trees

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What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? “Horn”-aments!

He is a meat Eater

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Chick dissapoint his mother

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Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be!

Owl Magician

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Q: What do you call an owl magician?
A: Hoooooo-dini

Polar bear into refrigerator

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Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It’s easy – just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Teacher

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Once a teacher was teaching the children about stripes animal. Teacher:Aisha stand up and tell me any two names of striped animals. Aisha:Zebra. Teacher:Very good now tell the other name! Aisha:Another zebra.

What rubbish

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Q: What’s worse than one shark coming to dinner?
A: Two sharks coming to dinner

man with cliff

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Q: What do you call a man with seagull on his head?
A: Cliff

smell icopter

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Q:What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smell-icopter.

Calvin feed hobbes

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Q: What does Calvin feed Hobbes?
A: Nothing he’s already stuffed.

Tweeting on test

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Crocodile in vest

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Q: What do you call an crocodile in a vest?
A: An investigator.

porcupine crossing road

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Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Frogs having Fun

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A cat told a frog “time flies when you are having fun”
The frog corrected her “Actually it’s time is fun when you’re having flies!”

Shepherd looking for a sheep

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A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, “What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?” Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, “Don’t you know sheep can’t swim?”, We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?” “Who is we?” the Shepherd asked. “Me and the pig?” The sheep replied. “Why on earth would you wallow in mud?” asked the Shepherd. “Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot.” The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. “He went back to the barn.” So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer’s pig.” The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out “He’s right, it was your pig that did it.” Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, “I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take 500 dollars for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say “Well that’s one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of shit anyway.”

I liked the books

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a ferret sitting next to him. “Are you a ferret?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The ferret replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Beggar and software developer

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A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???

beggar and software developer

So, Which Platform are you Working on ???

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

Penguin In a Gas station

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.” The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!” “Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a great time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Elephant with spare parts

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Q :What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
A :An elephant with spare parts!

Disappointed salesman of Coca Cola

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A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting.

 Desert-man-exhausted

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Drinking-coca-cola

Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”

A swell shark

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Q: What is the keenest kind of shark?
A: A swellshark!

Anything she wants

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Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
A: Anything she wants!

Cow stop to drink

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Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!

Pony sleigh

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Q : What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A : A pony sleigh station!

Out of the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it’s nose?
A: OUT of the way!!

Censorerd fun

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Q: What do you call the loose skin around the vagina?
A: An otter

Call9 9 rabbits

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Q: What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards?
A: A receding hare line!

Sun burned Zebra

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Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: A sun-burned zebra!

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

Gorilla are cheetahs

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Q: Why don’t the gorillas in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

Haha Long Arm of the Law

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Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffes with a police-man ?
A: Long-arm of the Law !

Cow can cut the grass

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Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?
A: Mulan.

Bunny Rabit

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A :A bunny ribbit.

my wife smells nasty

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A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

T-Rex eat Hamburgers

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Elephant claus

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Q:Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
A: Elephanta Claus!

Chicken cross the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!

Dino-sewer

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Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ?
A: A dino-sewer !

Koalifications

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Q: Why isn’t the the koala a real bear?
A: He doesn’t have the right koalifications.

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

Sore throat

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Q: What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

Fast food is so fast

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Q: Why don’t polar bears like fast food?
A: Because they can’t catch it!

Potty-pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a toilet and a platypus?
A: A potty-pus

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Call 911

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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

The Law Of The Jungle

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Q :What does a Gorilla attorney study?
A :The Law of the jungle!

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

Crocodile comedians

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Q: Why are crocodiles comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Bullogna

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Q: What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Farmer become school teacher

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Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?
A: So he could grade his eggs

Climb a tree

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).

Raccon learning new language

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Q: When does a Raccoon go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Mailman is my Father :(

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One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ” God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, ” Why did you say the last part? ” The daughter replies, ” Because I needed to. ” The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, ” Is this just a coincidence? ”
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, ” Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. ” The father now is thinking, ” Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? ” The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, ” Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. ” The father starts panicking and saying, ” Holy shit! I’m going to die tomorrow! ” The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It’s past midnight. The father says, ” How is this possible? I should be dead! ” He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, ” What took you so long!? ” The father says, ” Listen honey, today I haven’t had the best of days. ” Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, ” I saw the mailman die yesterday! ”

Build herself a new House

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Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?
A: She was fed up with the hole thing!

Cross Parrot With shark

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: an animal that talks your head off.

Chistmas to Ewe

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Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Preferred Frogs car

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Q :Whats the preferred car of frogs?
A :The Beetle.

Long heaird hippo

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Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy

He’s a Rain -deer

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

Penguins get money

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Q: Were do penguins get money from?
A: A fishbank.

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Polar Bear with Harp Seal

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Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Polar bear go to the movies

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Q: Why shouldn’t you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the movies.

Bhaiyya g Applied for Engineering Position

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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

Meals on Wheels

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Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: “Meals on Wheels!”

Marsh-mole ows

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Q: What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
A: Marsh-mole-ows!

Slow Poke

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Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A: A slow poke.

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Knock Knock !!

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Goat! Goat who?
Goat to believe in magic.

One Wags a tail

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Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Bear Your Heart

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Q: How do you apologize to a koala?
A: BEAR your heart and soul.

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Elephants afraid of cheetahs

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Q :Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
A :Because of all the cheetahs!

Elephant weighs nothing

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Q :What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A :Its shadow!

Fatty puss

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Q: What do you get if you cross a hungry cat with roast duck? A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss!

Rubbish

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Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ?
A: Two dinosaurs !

Chicken Crosses the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Unique Rabbit

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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Holstain

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Q: What are the spots on black and white cows?
A: Holstains

Flying reindeer

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Q : how can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A : You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Skunk with bear

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Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Frogs favourite place

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Q :What is a frogs favorite place to eat?
A :At ihop!

Hare dryer

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Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower?
A: A hare dryer!

To get other

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Q :Why did the whale cross the road?
A :To get to the other tide!

Blubber Gum

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Q: What do whales like to chew?
A: Blubber gum!

Santa Jaws

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Q: Who gives alligators presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!

Squash

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Q :What is an elephants favorite sport?
A :Squash

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Rabbit using computer

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Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?
A: Hoppy disks!

Billy Idol

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Q :What do you call an unemployed goat?
A :Billy Idol.

I like your thinking

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A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Continue reading

Beef Jerky

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Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky

Gorilla riding down

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Q :What’s black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.?
A: A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!

Egg crisize

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Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.

Long Turtle

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Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?
A: A 6-foot turtle.

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Triceratops with a kangaroo

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Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ?
A: A Tricera-hops!

Grasshover

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Q:What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
A:A grasshover!

Pickup your truck

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

policeman caught nasty boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Grab a Bite

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Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?
A: Do you want to grab a bite?

platypus crossing the road

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Q: Why did the platypus cross the road?
A: To show the possum that it could be done.

Pollunomial Parrots

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Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn’t eat?
A: A polynomeal (polynomial)

Neigh buzz

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Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz

Hourgl-ass

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Q: What do you call a donkey that keeps time?
A: Hourgl-ass

Top 20 funny quotes

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[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Barney in an elevator

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Q: What’s green and purple and goes up and down?
A: Barney in an elevator.

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

Larkian agg lagati hain

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Santa : daso kehde office wich ladies kam nahi kar sakdi?

Banta: firebrigade?

Santa: Q ?

Banta: firebrigade da kam aag bhujana hunda hai aag lgana nahi !

Non typical white tail

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Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

Women call a frog

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A :What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Q :Lilly.

Jockey communicate

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Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse?
A: He lays his cards on the stable.

Shark cross the road

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Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide!

Blonde Pet zebra

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Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot!

Smoking Cigarette

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Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself?
A. She’s smoking a cigarette.

Shell Block

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Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Tadpole

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Q :What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A :A tadpole!

horn-aments

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Q :What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
A : “Horn”-aments!

grape under porcupine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Donkey Auction

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Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction?
A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one.

He’s Rabbit fan!

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Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A:Oh, yes. He’s a rabbit fan!

Rabbit hood

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Q: What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the
A: Rabbit Hood.

Chicken crossed the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

Baboom

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Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!

Potato with elephant

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Q :What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
A :Mashed potatoes!

poor skunk

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Dinosaur go extinct

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Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
A: Because they wouldn’t take a bath!

Raccoon with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Raccoon with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Ate a duck

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Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.

Tyrannosaurus Flex

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Q: What was the most flexible dinosaur?
A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic

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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Boy-and-girl-kissing

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

moron platy

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Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road?
A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

A Polygon

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Q: What figure describes a lost parrot?
A: A polygon!

Bihari in college

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Subject: A class in Bihar College This is a true incident which happened in a college: A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesn’t know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted “follow me” .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted “Don’t follow me” and went inside the class……..
Bihari Professor.
Inside the Class:
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves -take the bigger half.
Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal just passed away in the corridor.
You, meet me behind the class.
Both of you three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today…
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver…..
Take 5 cm wire of any length….

Favourite Kitchen tool

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Q: what is a cats favorite kitchen tool?
A: The “whisker”.

She was a candy

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Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself?
A: She was a candy-ass.

it all happened so fast

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like?” “I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”