Dog’s wag their tails

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Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Otter is much better than pizza

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Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and an otter?
A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

Laughing Stock

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Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock

Purr-verted

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Q: What do you call a cat that can’t stop licking itself?
A: Purrr-verted.

Farmer like a maigcian

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow into pasture.

Female Squirrel

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Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.

Titanic doob rha si

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Titanic doob riha si,
ik gore ne santu nu puchiya etho zameen kini dur h?
Santa 1 km.
Gora: kehdi side?
Santa :niche di side

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Tiger and a snow man

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Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman?
A: Frost-bite!

Give back this lantern to Genie :D

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Three guys, standed on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Santa singh starting chicken farm

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Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

planting-chicken

A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then Santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said Santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”

Crocodile like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie crocodiles like to drink
A: Jaw-va

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

lazy platypus

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Q: Why did the platypus catch the bus?
A: Because he didn’t want to walk.

I hate that beggar

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Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book “How to Cook”!

Striped Zebra

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Q: If a quadruped has four legs and a biped has two legs, what is a zebra?
A: A stri-ped.

Greys moves fastly

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Q :What’s grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A :A jet propelled elephant!

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Sardar needs a toilet paper

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Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Continue reading

Eid gift For girlfriend ….

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Girl: Where is my Eid gift?

Boy: road pe red colour ki car dekh rahi ho?

Girl: Khushi se !wowww!

Boy: Same colour ki PONi laya hun apni Shehzadi k liye…

Hare cut of rabbit

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Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit?
A: A hare-cut.

Ferret crossing road

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Q: Why did the ferret cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Typical Macho Man

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:-
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
“His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Dancing sheep

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Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baa-lerina!

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Barn so noisy

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Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.

The greatest gift of husband

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
husband-wife-gift
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,”
he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

ugly little boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Owls serves hot Wings

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Q: What do you call an Owl that serves hot wings?
A: Hooters.

Slide down the banana ster

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Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

On the Rocks

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Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

Tea Rex

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
A: Tea Rex?

We don’t have an air conditioner

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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

waiter-serving-food

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.”
said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

milk to babay

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Q : When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
A: When its a baby reindeer!

Cute Bunch of Cows

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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

Dinosaur never gives up

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops !

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Hopthalmologist

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Q :Did you hear about the frog with glasses?
A :He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

My lawyer cheats me

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge.
“He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson,
“I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

Plant a frog

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Q :What do you get when you plant a frog?
A :A cr-oak tree.

Dinosaur lost his glasses

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses?
A: uthinkhesawrus

Dog with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Lo Bhaiya hum to doob gye..!!

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Bihar government announced Rs 50,000 to every family with 5 children in home.

Pandey had 4 so he tells his wife – Meri girlfriend se mera 1 baccha hai, usey le aata hu. 5 ho jayenge aur Govt 50,000 de degi hume..

Pandey baccha leke ghar aaya aur usne wife se puchha – Baccha aa gaya hai. Hamare 4 kahan hain ?

Wife boli – Jis Jis ke thay woh le gaye.. !!

foolish

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Q: Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?
A: Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can’t play grasshopper!

Please hop on!

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Q: What did the bus conductor say to the toad?
A: Hop on!

Falling down

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Q :Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?
A :Because their trunks kept on falling down.

Horses bad manners

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Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

With Cowculator

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Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
A: With a Cowculator

George Washington

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Q :What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas?
A : As little as possible, dummy!

All Lawyers are Not Assholes

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A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”

Dogs with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Stumpy

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Q: What’s the silliest name you can give a giraffe?
A: Stumpy.

High Bollocks

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Q: What’s the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks

New to the Area

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Q :Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
A :Because he was newt to the area!

Sir loin

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Q: What do you call a cow with full armor?
A: Sir loin

Horse lives next door

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Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Walkie talkiee

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie.

Udder Failure

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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Llama spirtual leader

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Q: Who is the llama spiritual leader?
A: The Dalai Llama

Cow cross the road

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Kong-vict

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Q:What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A: A Kong-vict!

Chicken go to KFC

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Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC?
A: He wanted to see a chicken strip.

Make shark laugh

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Q: How do you make a shark laugh?
A: Tell a whale of a tale.

Baaa boon

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Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn’t?
A: A baaaa-boon!

Talk to a cow

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Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Sid Travelling Down

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Sid was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.Prize Donkey Joke
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, ‘Jo’s donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.’
‘Well, ‘replied the man, ‘She must have had a lot of friends.’
‘Nope, ‘said Farmer Ellis.’ We all just want to buy his donkey.’

Paint rabbits on his head

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Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Bluberring about

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A :What are u blubbering about?

Down in the mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth !

Alligators does Tricks

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy says, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

Religiuos Eskimo

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The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a baby polar bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the polar bear’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the baby polar bear. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Need a Bigger condom

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Q: What did the teenage sharks say when they were having sex?
A: “we’re going to need a bigger condom!”

Bunny cross the road

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Q: Why did the bunny cross the road?
A: He wanted to prove he could hip hop!

Enough Bytes

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Q: What’s the similarity between a Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Polar fixed his teeths

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Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.

Dog sits on his chair

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Q: Why wouldn’t the dog sit on his chair?
A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there.

Both have big memories

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Q :How are elephants and computers similar?
A :They both have big memories.

Tusk fairy.!

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Q :What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
A :The tusk fairy!

Made out of leather

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Q: Why are cows so soft?
A: Because they are made out of leather.

Horse Cross the road

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Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because somebody shouted hay!

Camel Teaches Llama

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Q: What did the camel say to the llama?
A: Let me teach you how to spit.

Cow walking backwards

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Q: What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A: A cow walking backwards!

Rottweiller in Cenima

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Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Enormous holes

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Q. What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops?
A. Enormous holes in the base boards.

If students get wrong concept

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A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

student-with-open-book

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

Reptile works in a farm

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Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
A: An irri-gator.

Eggs-plodes

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Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

BMW is less smarter

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Q: What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine!

Prove its possum

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Q: Why did the otter cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Lion that swam underwater

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Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: ‘Claws.’

Avagadro have pets?

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Q: Why cant Avogadro have pets.
A: Because he will mole them.

Raining cats and dogs

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gif-hamster-1809066

 

 

 

 

 

Q :When do hamsters run away from rain?
A: When its raining cats and dogs!

Double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: He was a double-crosser!

Middle of dinosaur

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Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ?
A: The letter “s”!

A Really Bad Day (joke)

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There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Evening mews

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Q: What is the cat’s favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!

An ape-ricot Sour

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Q :Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
A :An ape-ricot sour!

Hot croaka!

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Q :What do frogs drink?
A :Hot croako!

Pasta to cow

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Q: What do you get when you give pasta to a cow?
A: Beefaroni.

Buy Sharks on wall streets

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Q: Where can you buy sharks on Wall Street?
A: At the shark (stock) market, of course!

Any kind

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Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ?
A: Any kind! A house cannot jump!

Chicken Joke

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

Grasshopper

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a grasshopper walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the grasshopper’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the grasshopper. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Shark Tem-sempra

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Q: What magical spell causes the victim to bleed profusely?
A: Shark-temsempra

Papa de kum menu ki pta

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Dipi: maa khana kive bnade ha i?
maa: me tenu kini war dsya
.
.
.
.
ke apne papa de kam di gal mainu na puchiya kar.

Shellebrity

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Q: What do you call a famous turtle?
A: A shellebrity.

Smiles For you

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24 SmileS..

:-)
:-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-):-):-)
:-) :-) :-) :-)
:-):-):-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-)
:-)

For You,

One For Each Hour.!
So ThaT You Keep SMiLiNG 24 HOURS At EiD DaY..

Egg cross the road

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Q: How did the egg cross the road?
A: It scrambled across!

Slow Swimmers

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Q: What do you call the stuff between a shark’s teeth?
A: Slow Swimmers.

Alligator up on the bar

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

“I’ll try,” says a small woman, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

The Naked Ape!

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Q :Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?
A : The Naked Ape!

Takes the bull by the horns

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Q: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador?
A: He takes the bull by the horns.

Eggs Stinks

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Q: Why are dinosaurs no longer around?
A: Because their eggs stink.

Playboy mansion

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Q: What do you call a platypus at the playboy mansion?
A: Platypussy

Precious book out of cow

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

One Tought Nut

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Q: Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
A: It was one tough nut to crack.

Alligators like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie alligators like to drink
A: Jaw-va

Owl with a carrot

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Q: What do you call a Owl with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Women need in her life

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Q: What 4 animals does a woman need in her life?
A: A mink on her back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all.

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

Hoppercraft

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Q :What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A :A hoppercraft!

Policeman in shop

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A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature parrot in the front seat. “What are you doing with that parrot?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the parrot again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that parrot to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

The guys was right

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Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

Blind Dinasaur

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Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: adoyouthinkhesaurus.

Cougars favourite

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Q: What is cougar’s favorite food ?
A: Baked beings !

blind sparrows

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Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
A: The Birds Eye counter!

hippcratic Oath

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Q: How do you make sure a hippo is telling you the truth?
A: Make him take the Hippocratic Oath.

Rude-olph

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Q : Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A : “Rude”-olph!

Smells like bacon

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Q :What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A: A hamster!

Owls are Clever then chicken

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Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Parrot flew away

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Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A: A polygon

Crossing the road

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Q: Why did the Raccoon cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

A little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Avagadro in bed

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Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis

Vidal Baboon

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Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut?
A: Vidal Baboon!

Lives in an igloo

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Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
A: An eskimew!

lemur learning language

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Q: When does a Lemur go “roarrrr”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Its Shadow

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Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

Lay an every day

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Q: What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
A: Hendurance.

Snowy jokes

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Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra

Roaster doo something

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Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something!

Act like Chestnut

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Katy Perry fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.

Dino – sewer

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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: dino-sewer.

Bombshell outside

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Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
A: The bombshell!

Pain in the ass

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Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine?
A: A pain in the ass.

Goat hosting the Oscar

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Q :What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars?
A :Billy Crystal.

Call a dog magician

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Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador.

Bear ate lease

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Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

They were Chicken

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Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
A: Because they were chicken

Dirty double crosser

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Q : What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A :  A dirty double-crosser!

Turtle During Winter

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Q: What does a turtle do during winter?
A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

Cinderelephant

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Q :What’s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
A :Cinderelephant!

School kion aatay ho ?

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Teacher: Tum school kyun aate ho?
Student: Vidya ke liye sir!

Student coming school for vidya

Teacher: Phir tum class mein soo kyun rahe ho?
Student: Aaj Vidya nahi aayi hai isliye sir!!!

Drinking whole night

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A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my ferret.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a ferret.”

mic needle

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Q: How do you inoculate a hippo?
A: With a hippodermic needle.

Because he has sandy claws

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Q: Why is the desert lion everyone’s favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!

Cross platypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a king-sized dinner?

A: A fatty-pus.

M.P

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Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

interview-desk

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Bill Clinton invites behari to teach english

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Lalu Prasad was once invited by Bill Clinton to White House for one month to learn English.
One month later, Rabri Devi called White House to check how much English Lalu learnt there.
Bill Clinton picked up the phone.
Rabri(assuming it would be Lalu on the other end) : “Kyun ji, English bole la sikh le la?”
Clinton : “Are bhauji aap, pranam! Lalua to kucho nahi sikh saka, hum Bill Clinton(wa) bol raha hun.”

Devout Cowboy

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Hippopotamus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Hippos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the Hippo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Keep Polar bear for charging

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Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?
A: Insist that it pay cash!

Coraka cola

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Croaka-cola!

Platypus took little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the platypus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Open toad sandals

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Q : What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A : Open toad sandals!

Polly un saturated

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Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Eid Mubarak with Siwayian

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May Your Plate Of Life Be Always Full Of Sweet Siwaiyan

Topped With The Nuts Of Happiness.

With Best EID WISHES,May You Have A Happy Eid

Alligator in a vest

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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

cenima lover

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a skunk sitting next to him.
“Are you a skunk?” asked the man,
surprised. “Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?” The skunk replied,
“Well, I liked the book.”

Tiger become Herbivore

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Q: Why can’t a tiger become a herbivore?
A: A tiger can’t change his stripes.

Shark in blennder

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Q: What’s better than a shark in a blender?
A: Two sharks in a blender

are you mad

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Q : Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A : The smallest ones!

hamster on Spring break

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Q :Where does a hamster go for Spring Break?
A: Hamsterdam!

Pandas like old movie

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Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they’re in black and white.

Chicken wanted to play squash

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Q: Why did the chicken stand in the middle of the road?
A: Coz he wanted to play squash!

Horrible dream of my life

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Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!

Humpty Dumpty

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Q: What is a camels favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpty Dumpty

IHOP restaurants

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Q: Where do rabbits work?
A: At IHOP restaurants!

Strawberry patch

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Q: Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red?
A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

Dog went to flea circus

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Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Liam nelson

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Q: Why did Liam Neeson rescue his daughter?
A: He couldn’t lemur behind.

Beast of the Show

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Q : How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest?
A : She was the beast of the show!

Moo-day

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Q: What do you call a grumpy cow?
A: Moo-dy

lions birhtday party

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A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?” Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a sloth in the fridge?” The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?” Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.” Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?” Then the student said “No,the sloth because he’s still in the fridge.” then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!” She laughs and walks away.

Avagadro favourite ice-cream

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Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted

Shellebration

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Q: What happens when you bring a turtle to a party?
A: It becomes a shellebration.

Feet smell nasty

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Q: Why does a brontosaurus have a long neck?
A: Because it’s feet smell.

otter learns language

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Q: When does a otter go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Get a horse drunk

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Q: How do you get a horse drunk?
A: Drink him under the stable.

Jawbreaker

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Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.

Tail Gator

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Q: What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A: A tail-gater.

Solitary sharks

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Q: What do you call a solitary shark
A: A “lone” (loan) shark

English Proficiency test for bihari

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Both Lalu Yadav and Rabri Devi are asked to take an English Proficiency Test. First Lalu is taken inside the interview room. The interviewer hangs the letter “M” in front of him and asks what does it mean. After giving a long enough thought Lalu Yadav answers.. “Ee M hai.. M mani Moder.. Moder maani hammar mai”(This is M. M means mother. Mother means my mother) .When Lalu comes out of the interview Rabri asks him about his experience. Lalu Yadav described the process as it happened.
However, in Rabri’s interview the interviewer hangs “W” instead of “M”.Rabri is totally clueless about what it means.. About an hour passes and suddenly it strikes to her and she shouts.. “Arey ee to Lalua ke mai ko ulta taang delkau re. Jaldi seedha kar na to muat jayi.”

Chicken coop have two doors :D

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Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Shark favourite Chraracter

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Q: Who was the sharks favorite character on NBC’s “The Office”
A: Michael Shark

hamster with no leg

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Q :What do you call a hamster with no legs?
A: A furball.

Mathematician wants to become fireman

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One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”

Fire-man

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”

Speak to his foot

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Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Beef-flat

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Q: What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?
A: Beef-flat

Cat has trophy

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Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Keep their Nuts Dry

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Q: Why do squirrels swin on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!

Hamster sandwitch

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Q :What’s gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?
A: A hamster sandwich!

Things get more Worst

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Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?
A: Things get worse!

Moles love chemistry

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MOLE day

Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum

Crocodile attack lawyers

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Q: Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

TASHAN running successfully

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The size zero queen’s movie is running successfully, don’t believe me.
See….
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..
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tashan running successfully

Shellmet

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Q: What does a turtle need to ride a bike?
A: A shellmet.

Cows when sick

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Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever

Hire a teddy bear

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Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Happy polar bears

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Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!

Monkey like the banana

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Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal

Double Dare

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One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man’s property or his beautiful daughter. After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at last, he survived through the pool. Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man’s bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter. To this, the man replied, “Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who threw me in the water.”

Dowm in mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth!

My Tails told

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A papa polar bear, a mama polar bear, and a baby polar bear got stranded on an ice-floe and drifted out to sea. They decided to tell stories to pass the time. Papa told his favorite story about the time he outwitted a hunter. Mama told a story about the time she tricked a seal into coming for lunch. Then Papa turned to the baby bear. “What’s your story, son?” he asked. The baby bear shivered. “My tail’s told!” he replied.

Broke the moled

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Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled

Cow-boose

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Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: In the cow-boose.

Orson welles

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Q: What was the sharks favorite Orson Welles movie
A: Citizen Kane-i-kokala

Shark joke

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Q: Why did the shark joke book writer’s wife leave him?
A: She wanted to start a relationship with that blond-haired meathead who “wrote” 200 Gross Jokes

Time to go home

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

Tavern

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

It really stinks

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Q: Have you heard the skunk joke?
A: You don’t want to; it really stinks!

Zebra and Micheal Jackson

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Q: What does a zebra and michael jackson have in common?
A: They can’t decide whether to be black or white!

Chicken families

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Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
A: They go on peck-nics!

Cows listen Piano

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Q: What did the cow say when a person played the piano?
A: That’s good moooooosic.

Gallery of Cows

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Q: What do you find a gallery of cows?
A: The mooseum.

school for smell

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Q: Why did Sally bring her skunk to school?
A: For show-and-smell!

Lean beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A: Lean Beef

Dinosaour cross the road

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
A: The chicken hadn’t evolved yet!

Bottle Of vinegar

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Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

How do You

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A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?” Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a zebra in the fridge?” The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?” Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.” Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?” Then the student said “No,the zebra because he’s still in the fridge.” then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!” She laughs and walks away.

Crocodile with flower

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Q: What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
A: I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it!

Compliment a Donkey

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Q: How do you compliment a donkey?
A: “Hey, nice ass!”

Without a fishing pole

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Q: How do you catch a fish without a fishing pole?
A: With your BEAR hands.

cows have horns

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Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because all of the cows have horns.

Pickup truck

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of platypus’. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with platypus’ in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of platypus’, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these platypus’ to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Lick his own dick

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Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Owl you need love is

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Q: What is a birds favorite Beatles song?
A: Owl you need is love.

Ho-mo-sexual

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Q: Did you hear about the cow that wasn’t interested in bulls?
A: She was an Ho-Moo-Sexual.

Dinosaur crashes his car

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Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Hipp-hop

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Q: What’s a hippos favourite kind of music?
A: Hip-hop

Gorilla most wanted

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Q :Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
A :The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!

Moody blues

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Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moody Blues

Molerose place

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Q: What is a mole’s favorite television show?
A: Molerose place

Copy Cat

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A Polar bear walks into a restaurant in Churchill and says to the waiter, “I’ll have a seal steak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and a side order of lemmings.” The waiter says….”What’s with the big pause?” The bear replies, “I don’t know… but my father had them, too!”

Try to Comfort his friend

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Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship
A: “its ok there are plenty of other birds in the sky”

Kash hum aik sms hoty

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Kash hum ek sms hotay bas

ek click me aap ke paas hotay

Mana k aap hamay delete kar letay

lekin kuch dair k liye

To hum aap ke paas hotay or

bari khushi say kehtay

Eid mubarak

Emperior Penguin

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Q: What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
A: Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.

Choclate melodt

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Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Moledt

Elephant at North pole

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Q :What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
A :Lost!

Hoo tenanany

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Q: What do you call an owl get together?
A: A HOO-tenanny

Sharks like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie sharks like to drink
A: Jaw-va

Tyransaurus Tex!

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Q: What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ?
A: Tyrannosaurus tex!

Bear get so scared

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Q: Why did the bear get so scared?
A: Because he looked in the mirror

Rep tiles

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Q: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes?
A: Rep Tiles

Catching all the chicken

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Q: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
A: He was catching all the chickens!

Airline do Rabbits

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Q: What airline do rabbits use?
A: British Hare-ways!

So rude ji je

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Preeto : ji je me mount everest te chad javan taan tusi mainu ki doge?
Santa : puchan wali kehdi gal hai “dhakaa”

Crocodile and window

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Q: What’s the similarity between a Crocodile and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Hot croaka

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Hot croako!

Looking for Pooh

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Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for pooh.

European Squirell

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Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.

Pet ferret

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A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Turtle Neck

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Q: What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Giraffe?
A: A Turtle-Neck

Cougar running in a machine

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Q: What’s a cougar running a copy machine called?
A: A copycat!

Coca-Koala!

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Q: What’s a Koalas favorite drink?
A: Coca Koala!

Reindeer wearing ear muffs

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Q : What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
A : Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

Bulfrogs

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Q :What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
A :Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

Mangy looking guy

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A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

cristiano platy

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Q: What did the platypus eat at the football match?
A: A platy pie.

Mama owl ot baby

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Q: What did mama owl say to bay owl?
A: You go and play dear, Owl watch from hear.

Milk of Amnesia

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Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia

Call sloth

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Q: What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Mechanically inclined Squirrel

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Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.

Pony express

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Q: What’s the quickest way to mail a little horse?
A: Use the Pony Express.

Toads favourite game

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Q: Whats a toads favorite game?
A: It’s croak-et!

The Green mole

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Q: What is a mole’s favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole

Walnut Beat That

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Q: What did the bird say to the racing squirrel?
A: You walnut beat that!

Gorilla Float

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Q : How do you make a Gorilla float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!

Dark horse

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Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry

Koala’s so Sleepy

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Q: Why are koala’s so sleepy?
A: Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!

Can’t afford ones

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Q: Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
A: Because they can’t afford new ones!

10 Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work

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Rules for Guaranteed Promotion

  1. Never walk without a document in your hands
    walk without document
    People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

  2. Use computers to look busy
    Busy in computer
    Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. Continue reading

Stops VCR

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Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?
A: It just presses the “paws” button.

Call an evil cow

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Q: What do you call an evil cow?
A: De-mooooon.

Marine Biologists

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Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Cute Tadpole

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Q: What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A: A tadpole!

Dinosaucer

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Q: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A: A Dinosaucer

Dogs favourite city

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Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Call a Spy Frog

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Q :What do you call a frog spy?
A :A croak and dagger agent!

A Crocker spanial

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Q: What do you get if you cross a toad and a dog?
A: A croaker spaniel!

Call a Polar bear

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Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
A: Call it anything you want – it can’t hear you.

Croaker Spaniel

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Q :What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A :A croaker spaniel!

Tricerea Bottom

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Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.

Rabbits in aircondition

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Q: Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime?
A: They have hare conditioning!

Lawyer confessing his sins

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images (2)

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew it was guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Persecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list went on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Dog taking a bath

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Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath?
A: a shampoodle!

Lavaly day

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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
A: What a lavaly day!

Orchestra and a bull

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Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull?
A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

Toads lay so many Eggs

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Q: How do toads manage to lay so many eggs?
A: They sit eggsaminations!

Seal in each Paw

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Q: What’s a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!

Describe Themselves

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Q: How do tigers describe themselves?
A: Purr-fect!

Bronco-saurus

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Q: What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A: A Bronco-saurus !

Avacados number

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Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avocados number!

Tits were getting long..

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Q :Why do cows have long faces?
A :Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were gettin pulled twice a day

End of me

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Q :What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
A :This is the end of me!

Tick tock Doodle doo

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Q: What does an alarm cluck say?
A: “Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!”

Moo-ltiplication

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Q: What Is A Cows Favorite Type Of Math?
A: Moo-tiplication

Cougar and a lion

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Q: What’s the difference between a cougar and a lion ?
A: A cougar has the mane part missing

Frustrate Boy

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Pakistani Boy :

Smajh nai arha Eid ki khushi ziada hai ya…..??

.

.

.

.

3 din light na jaane ki :)

Animal Crackers

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Q :When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory?
A: The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!

Elephant never washes

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Q :What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A :A smellyphant!

Name that Bastard who Pushed my in

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There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets. One day when he held a party he came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his daughter, a supermodel.
Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the entire crowd watched and cheered as the young man swam quickly across the pool, and emerged unharmed.
The millionaire was amazed but said that he would hold up his end of the bargain.
“Well”, he said,”do you want the $1 million or my daughter? The young man answered, “Sir, I don’t want your money or your daughter, I just want to know who the hell bastard pushed me into that pool.”

Illegaly parked frog

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Q : What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A : Toad.

Rabbit say to carrot

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Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It’s been nice gnawing at you.

What happens at Sunday morning at 11?

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This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about
.

Doctors

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..

sweeper

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Two legged animal

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Q: If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
A: Stri-ped.

No one ever tells him

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Q: Why don’t dinosaurs ever forget?
A: Because no one ever tells them anything!

Cryalotosaurus

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Q: What dinosaur is always sad?
A: Cryalotosaurus

Shellebrates

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Q: What does a turtle do on it’s birthday?
A: It shellebrates!

T.T.E going to kill bihari

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There was this Bihari who was travelling with two tickets, so when
the T.T.E asked for the ticket, this fellow gave both the tickets, and
so the T.T.E asked him the reason of buying two tickes , this fellow
answered well what will happen if in case I lose one of them, so the
T.T.E said what if you lose both of them, so this guy said then why
do I have a monthly pass.

Who was sharks favourite

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Q: Who was the sharks second favorite character on NBC’s “The Office”
A: Dwight K. Shark

Lumberjack sharks

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Q: Why didnt the lumberjack shark believe in God
A: He chose log-shark (logic)

what do you mean

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Q: What do you get when you cross a bear and a skunk?
A: I don’t know, but it can easily get a seat on the bus!

Fish and Ships

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Q: What do whales eat?
A: Fish and ships.

Make Forg Legs

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Q :How do you make frog legs?
A :In a croak=pot.

Jerking each other off

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Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A: Bipolar.

Teenage sharks

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Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site
A: MyShark

Drinking shaun

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
The surpised grasshopper says “You have a drink named Shaun?”

It Gets a Dinosaur

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Q: What happens when a T-Rex gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex?
A: It gets a dino-sore.

The meet Market

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Q: Where do cows get together?
A: The meet market.

Seagulls in cenima

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a seagull sitting next to him.
“Are you a seagull?” asked the man,
surprised. “Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?” The seagull replied,
“Well, I liked the book.”

Cheapest kind of meat

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Q: Whats the cheapist kind of meat?
A: Deer balls there under a buck!

Wear White Snickers

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Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Stuckt

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Q :What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A :Stuck!

Sharks jazz musician

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Q: What was the shark jazz musician’s favorite illegal substance?
A: Reefer!

Cuts down a tree !!

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Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.

Charging with credit cards

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Q :How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A :Take away his credit card!

Physiologists

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Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat…..Nuts.

Hippo learns language

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Q: When does a hippo go “mooooo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Crossing the road

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Q: Why did the polar bear cross the road?
A: to get some bearrys

Hot cross bunny

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Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A hot cross bunny!

Shark puppeteers

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Q: Why aren’t there any shark puppeteers?
A: They have no hands!

Shoot a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot a crocodile?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Catch a monkey..

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Q: How do you catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana!

Camooflauged

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Q: What do you call a cow you can’t see?
A: Camooflauged.

Blue cheese!

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Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow?
A: Blue cheese!

Quack me up

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Q: Why did the bunny say to the duck?
A: You quack me up!

Home schooled

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Q: Did the shark who was raised by fish receive any education?
A: Yes, he was home-schooled (in a school of fish)

Monkey do for laughs

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Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell jokes about people!

Smart Porcupine

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a porcupine sitting next to him. “Are you a porcupine?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The porcupine replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Jawsome

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Q: what did the street shark say when something radical happened?
A: JAWESOME

Tyrannosaurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Shark favourite james

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Q: What was the shark;s favorite James Joyce novel
A: FINnegan’s wake

Furniture from Ikea

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Q: What do you call a cat that can put together furniture from Ikea?
A: an Assembly kit.

Road roll in mind

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road roll in mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double crosser

Star Warts

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Q :What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A :Star Warts!

Razor Shark

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Q: Why are shark comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Its not raining

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Q: When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
A: When it’s not raining!

drinking mead

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Q: What do Honey Badgers drink?
A: Mead.

Waiter say to the horse

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Q: What did the waiter say to the horse?
A: I can’t take your order. That’s not my stable.

Call a monkey with banana

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Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can’t hear you!

Gorilla Favourite President

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Q :Who is the Gorillas’ favourite President of recent years?
A : Hairy Truman!

Mole acting like idiot

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Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses

Bihari Introducing His Family

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A man from Bihar is introducing his family:

1. Ee hai hamaar biwi….. Google Raani… Ek sawal poochho toh 10 jawab deti hai…!!!

2. Ee hai hamaar betwa…. Facebook Kumar… Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahunchata hai…!!!

3. Ee hai hamaar bitiya …. Twitter Kumari… Poori colony isko falow karti hai…!!!

4. Ee hai hamaar ammaji.. Whatsapp mata- poora din bud-bud karti rehti hai..magar kam ki ekkau bat nai nikalti.!

5. Aur hum, Orkut Kumar… Hamka koi puchhta hi nahi…!!!

Clear the stable

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Q: What did the mare tell her filly after dinner?
A: Clear the Stable.