Clucl o the irish

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
A: The Cluck o’the Irish!

Milk shake

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Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow?
A: Milk Sheikh!

policeman caught nasty boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Baboom

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Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!

Call 114 frogs

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Q :What do you call 144 frogs in a box?
A :Gross!

Mailman is my Father :(

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One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ” God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, ” Why did you say the last part? ” The daughter replies, ” Because I needed to. ” The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, ” Is this just a coincidence? ”
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, ” Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. ” The father now is thinking, ” Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? ” The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, ” Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. ” The father starts panicking and saying, ” Holy shit! I’m going to die tomorrow! ” The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It’s past midnight. The father says, ” How is this possible? I should be dead! ” He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, ” What took you so long!? ” The father says, ” Listen honey, today I haven’t had the best of days. ” Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, ” I saw the mailman die yesterday! ”

Long heaird hippo

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Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy

Censorerd fun

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Q: What do you call the loose skin around the vagina?
A: An otter

Chicken Crosses the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Long back..

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Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”

But now they are called….
….
….
..
..
..
.

it-professional-joke

.
.
.

“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”

Gorilla riding down

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Q :What’s black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.?
A: A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!

Teacher

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Once a teacher was teaching the children about stripes animal. Teacher:Aisha stand up and tell me any two names of striped animals. Aisha:Zebra. Teacher:Very good now tell the other name! Aisha:Another zebra.

my wife smells nasty

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A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Miss Ape-ril!

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Q:How did Gertie Gorilla make the ‘Playboy’ Calendar?
A:She was ‘Miss Ape-ril!’

No Result Found

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?
A: I’m not sure – but I wouldn’t try smelling it!

horn-aments

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Q :What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
A : “Horn”-aments!

Cross cat with Owl

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl?
A: Meowls.

What rubbish

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Q: What’s worse than one shark coming to dinner?
A: Two sharks coming to dinner

Card shark

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Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CARDSHARK

Penguins In Revolving Door

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Q: What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Cristmias trees

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What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? “Horn”-aments!

Teddy bear race

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Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

British sharks want to eat

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Q: What do British sharks like to eat?
A: Fish and kids!

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

Stable diet

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Q: Why are most horses in shape?
A: Because they are on a stable diet.

Ferret favourite song

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Q: What is a ferret’s favorite song?
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl…

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Beef Jerky

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Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky

Two Hunters

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Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, “I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies, “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, “Where the heck are we?” The other looks around and replies, “About 200 yards further than we got last year!”

Sore throat

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Q: What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

Egg crisize

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Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.

Got milk?

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Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?

Spelling bee

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking hippo?
A: A spelling bee!

Fleece Navidad!!

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Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad!”

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Bear Your Heart

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Q: How do you apologize to a koala?
A: BEAR your heart and soul.

Skunk with bear

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Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!

Shell Block

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Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Policeman Give the sheep

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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

A swell shark

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Q: What is the keenest kind of shark?
A: A swellshark!

Drizzle bears

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Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Owl caught in the act

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Q: What do you call an owl caught in the act?
A: Spotted!

Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Somethin about Owl

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Q: Did you hear the one about the owl?
A: It was a hoot.

Neigh buzz

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Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz

Biharu lalu Yadav decide to learn English

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So Lalu Yadav finally decides to learn English. An instructor extremely fluent in English is hired for the job.
The instructor fully confident claims that if he is locked up in a room with Lalu for a week he will surely teach him English. So the orderlies lock Lalu and the instructor in a room
When the room is opened after a week the instructor comes out and says .. “Eee Lalua ke angrezi sikhana to bahute mushkil baat ba”

Calvin feed hobbes

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Q: What does Calvin feed Hobbes?
A: Nothing he’s already stuffed.

Cross Parrot With shark

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: an animal that talks your head off.

Crocodile comedians

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Q: Why are crocodiles comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

March Of Penguins

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Q: What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins?
A: Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk

Letter to her friend

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Q: How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
A: In a HEN-velope!

Pickup your truck

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Mommy sharks and daddy

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Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced
A: they no longer loved each other

Climb a tree

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).

Nice Knawing you

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Q: What did they llama say to the blade of grass?
A: Nice knawing you!

terrible lawyers

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Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

Mooooove Over

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Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!

Farmers milk them dry

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Q: Why don’t cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry

Curiosity killed the cat

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted a dog to teach her how to bark?
A: Curiousity killed the cat.

Gatorade

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Q: What do alligators drink before a race?
A: Gator-Ade.

Otter knows how to drive ?

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Q: An otter and an otter are in a car, who’s driving?
A: Animal Control

Elephants afraid of cheetahs

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Q :Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
A :Because of all the cheetahs!

Out of the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it’s nose?
A: OUT of the way!!

Dinosaur go extinct

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Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
A: Because they wouldn’t take a bath!

Frogs are happy

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Q :Why are frogs so happy?
A :They eat watever bugs them!

smell icopter

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Q:What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smell-icopter.

She was a candy

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Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself?
A: She was a candy-ass.

Elephant weighs nothing

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Q :What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A :Its shadow!

Barney in an elevator

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Q: What’s green and purple and goes up and down?
A: Barney in an elevator.

End of Ramadan

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Can I Stay
Here
In
Ur
InbOx
&
Wait Till The End Of Ramzan
So
That
I
Can B
The 1st Who
Wish

A
Very sweet
&
Happy Eid Mubarik

Leatherback Sec turtle

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Q: What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Flying reindeer

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Q : how can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A : You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

Tyrannosaurus Flex

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Q: What was the most flexible dinosaur?
A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.

A Polygon

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Q: What figure describes a lost parrot?
A: A polygon!

Smoking Cigarette

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Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself?
A. She’s smoking a cigarette.

Big ho peep

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Q :Who lost a herd of elephants?
A :Big bo peep!

Chicken crossed the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

Giraffe winning a horse race

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Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.

He was Chicken

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Q: Why did the rooster run away?
A: He was chicken!

Twelve foot tooth Brush

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Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A: A twelve-foot toothbrush

To get other

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Q :Why did the whale cross the road?
A :To get to the other tide!

Billy Idol

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Q :What do you call an unemployed goat?
A :Billy Idol.

Shepherd looking for a sheep

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A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, “What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?” Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, “Don’t you know sheep can’t swim?”, We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?” “Who is we?” the Shepherd asked. “Me and the pig?” The sheep replied. “Why on earth would you wallow in mud?” asked the Shepherd. “Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot.” The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. “He went back to the barn.” So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer’s pig.” The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out “He’s right, it was your pig that did it.” Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, “I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take 500 dollars for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say “Well that’s one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of shit anyway.”

Let out a little wine

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Q :What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A :Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

A Brr-grrr

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Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A “brrr”-“grrr”!

Build herself a new House

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Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?
A: She was fed up with the hole thing!

Larkian agg lagati hain

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Santa : daso kehde office wich ladies kam nahi kar sakdi?

Banta: firebrigade?

Santa: Q ?

Banta: firebrigade da kam aag bhujana hunda hai aag lgana nahi !

Dino-sewer

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Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ?
A: A dino-sewer !

Squash

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Q :What is an elephants favorite sport?
A :Squash

Why do you have Breast on your back

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The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back?” The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”

Raccon learning new language

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Q: When does a Raccoon go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Tadpole

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Q :What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A :A tadpole!

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Headmaster and Buflings

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Q: What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

He’s a Rain -deer

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

Tiger sing at Christmas

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Q: What do tigers sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells!jungle bells!

Call a Frozen chart

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Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

Raccoon with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Raccoon with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Play cards in Jungle

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Q: Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

Sas-gorilla

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Q: What’s a monkey’s favourite drink?
A: A sas-gorilla.

Blonde Pet zebra

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Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot!

Frogs having Fun

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A cat told a frog “time flies when you are having fun”
The frog corrected her “Actually it’s time is fun when you’re having flies!”

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Bhaiyya g Applied for Engineering Position

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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

Anything you like..

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears?
A. Anything you like, he won’t hear you!

Triceratops with a kangaroo

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Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ?
A: A Tricera-hops!

Tiger Eat Lion

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Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion?
A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion.

not good for health

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Q : Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A : Because they are both tail bearers

Preeto getting hot

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Preeto: aji , aaj kuch ajiha karo ke mere pasine nikal jaan.

Banta : uthiyan te AC & pankhe da switch off kar dita.

Prancer always wet

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Non typical white tail

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Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

Old neigh-vy

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Q: Where do horses shop?
A: Old Neigh-vy!

Mooney

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Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
A: Mooney.

Nasty Wife

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A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Decalfenated

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Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
A: Decalfenated

Gazalles

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What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope!

Rabbit with no hair

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Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Rabbit hood

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Q: What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the
A: Rabbit Hood.

Frogs haven’t so many legs

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Q :How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs?
A :They sit eggsaminations!

Human balls

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Q: What do cat sharks cough up?
A: Human balls.

Rubbish

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Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ?
A: Two dinosaurs !

Saturday morning

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It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, “What are you up to?” Mary smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”‘

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

A mathematician organizes a raffle

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A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

Slow Poke

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Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A: A slow poke.

Coutnt them all

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Q: Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?
A: Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

Hippo with carrot

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Q: What do you call a hippo with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Milking stool have

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Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder

moltiplication

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Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication

Monkey’s Uncle

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Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey’s uncle.

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

prove my possum

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Q: Why did the badger cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Three feet of my cock

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Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my cock up your ass.

show your skunks

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Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew!

Horse say to other horse

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Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.

Whale of a tale

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Q :How do you make a fish laugh?
A :Tell a whale of a tale.

Baaa-stile day

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Q: What do you call sheep taking over France?
A: Baaaa-stile Day.

Tiger on a Pogo Stick

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Q: Whats striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

Tiger eats the comedian

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Q: What happened when the tiger ate the comedian ?
A: He felt funny !

Don’t be aggressive on Eid day..

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Wishing You HAPPY EID MUBARAK in Advance For The Following 10 Yerar,

2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020

Agar Coming 10 Years Main Aap Ko Koi Pehlay Wish Karnay Ka Dawa Karay,

Tau Aik Rakh Kay Chamaat Daina Aur Yeh SMS Dikha Daina.

O.K

Don’t Delete It.

Rabbit using computer

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Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?
A: Hoppy disks!

Fast food is so fast

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Q: Why don’t polar bears like fast food?
A: Because they can’t catch it!

Little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Lemur stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

I’m waiting on my house

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There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.

A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 Drunk-man-waiting-for-home

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”

Police de gadi te ghar wali

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Police di gadi te gharwali wich common ki h?
dono apne aan te bda shor machande hai.

Goat at sea

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Q :What do you call a goat at sea?
A :Billy Ocean.

Crocodile with GPS

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Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Dinosaur with high heals

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

Healthy Rabbit

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Q: What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit?
A: One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

Bite the bullet

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

A little otter

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Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter.
A: A little (h)otter

Chickens foot

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Q: Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

T-Rex eat Hamburgers

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Bite off your head

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!

Bones in the ground

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Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Call four female deer

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Q: What do you call four female deer?
A: FO REAL DOE

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Hello-hello

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Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

I got in the back seat by mistake

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A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

Drunk-man-in-car

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Goat married with Angelina Jolie

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Q :What do you call a goat that was married to Angelina Jolie?
A :Billy Bob Thorton.

Caramel coated popcorn

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Q: What brand of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts do sharks prefer?
A: Cracker Sharks

Say to tha puppy

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Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy?
A: bonappetite

Dino-Store

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Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things?
A: At a dino-store!

2013 which dunya khtm?

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Santa: graduation karan toh bad dobara nursery di padhai start kar denda hai?
Banta: nusrsery di padhai Q kar riha h?
Santa: 2013 wich duniya khatam h…me sochiya hune to padhai start kar dwan

Morse Toad

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Q :What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
A :Morse toad!

Cross owl with oester

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Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster?
A: Pearls of Wisdom

Call a Dinasaur

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try and try and try and try-ceratops

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

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Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….

..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

Find somewhere else to sleep

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Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?
A: Find somewhere else to sleep!

moron platy

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Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road?
A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

Frogs listens music

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Q :What kind of music do frogs listen to?
A :Hip Hop

what are you doing?

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. “Are you a grasshopper?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The grasshopper replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Women call a frog

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A :What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Q :Lilly.

Unique Rabbit

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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Raccoon stand on it

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Q: What did the grape say when the Raccoon stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Top 20 funny quotes

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[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

grape under porcupine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

They have Big fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.

it all happened so fast

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like?” “I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

Shell-arious ones

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Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?
A: Shell-arious ones!

Worst then a bite

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Q :Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
A :His balk was worse than his bite!

Cristmas is coming

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Q : How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
A : He looks at his calen-“deer”!

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Embarrassed Elephant

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Q :What’s grey but turns red?
A :An embarrassed elephant!

A battered puss

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Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus?
A: A battered-pus

Two rabbits on rollerblades

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Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels?
A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

Bird that talks

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

Horse that lose a race

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Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Little Whrose

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Q: What do you call a promiscious pony?
A: A Little Whorse

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

It just let out a wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the otter stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Jockey communicate

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Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse?
A: He lays his cards on the stable.

Stinky winkey donkey

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Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind ? A:
A stinkey winkey wonkey donkey

Mickey Moose

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Q: What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
A: Mickey Moose

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Talking lemur…

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Lemur?
A: A spelling bee!

Frog in bathtub

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Q : What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A : A rubbit!

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Bugs Bunny !

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Office memo

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Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Clever politician of India

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

Nasa-sending-engineer-to-mars
The last applicant
was our Indian politician (Lallu Prasad Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”

They beat eggs

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Q: Why don’t chickens like people?
A: They beat eggs!

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

Tiger lily

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Q: What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
A: A tiger lily!

Sir???

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Q :What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Always allow the bosses to speak first

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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Take me to your litter

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Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.

Out oh the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Out of the way!

Pride of Giraffe

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Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

Long Turtle

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Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?
A: A 6-foot turtle.

Japan Fast, India Very Very Fast

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 There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

taxi-meter-made-in-india-very-very-fast

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Do sitting on Rabbit

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chili dog on a bun!

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

Santa’s Reindeer

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Q : Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A : “Rude”-olph!

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

Lawn moo-er

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Q :What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A :A lawn moo-er.

California ferret

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Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed.

Blubbering Gum

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A: What are you blubbering about?

Four Skin Divers

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Q: How do you circumsize a whale?
A: You send down four-skin divers.

Anywhere he wants too

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Q: Where does a tiger sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

Firen from hi job

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Avagadro love to mash

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Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Owl invite his friend

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Q: Why did the Owl invite his friends over?
A: He didn’t want to be Owl by himself.

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Evaporated milk

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Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

Its whale Of a Tale

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Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale

Hamster upset with his job

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Q :Why was the Hamster upset with his job?
A: It didn’t pay enough salary (celery).

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Call group of chicken

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Q: What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A: A Hensemble.

Terrified postman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!

Dinosaur slept all day

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Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ?
A: The dino-snore!

Different between OJ simpson

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Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the Sharks?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence…

My Hearing is Perfect Now

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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

old man

“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

Donkey that can go

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Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds?
A: Fibergl-ass

At the Spawn shop

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Q :Where do you get frogs eggs?
A :At the spawn shop!

Shark Hudson

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Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actor
A: Shark Hudson

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Caught peepin

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

Plug its nose

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Q: How do you make a skunk stop smelling?
A: Plug up its nose!

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Rabbit wearing Glasses

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Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

Prisoner-and-the-flower

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

Bullshit

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Q: What family does Maiasaur belong to?
A: I don’t think any families in our neighborhood have one!

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

Cross gator and Poison Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A :A croakadile.

Video Camera & toilet room

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Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don’t have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape – with everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !! :-)

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Sardar needs a toilet paper

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Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Continue reading

Goat With Beer

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Q :What do you call a goat with a beard?
A :Goatee!

Kong-vict

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Q:What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A: A Kong-vict!

I’m Saying Grace

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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, “It’s a miracle!” The polar bear opened one eye and said “Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.”

Gorilla playing quiddtich

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Q: What do you call a gorilla playing quidditch?
A: A hairy potter!!

Stegosaurus

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Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

lazy workers :D

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Bluebird

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Q: What do you call a sad bird?
A: A bluebird!

Otter is much better than pizza

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Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and an otter?
A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Cute Bunch of Cows

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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

sir?

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?
A. Sir.

Cross a shark

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Q: What do you get if you cross a shark with a Rottweiler?
A: An abomination unto God Himself

Stork stand on one leg

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Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

Cat in a station wagon

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Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet

Dear calls hunters

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Q: What do deers call hunters?
A: Doe foes.

Tea Cow

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Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake?
A: TEA COW!

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

Prefer a cat dialogue

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Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

lazy platypus

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Q: Why did the platypus catch the bus?
A: Because he didn’t want to walk.

Shark make the best

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Q: What kind of sharks make the best pog players?
A: Slammerheads!

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Hopthalmologist

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Q :Did you hear about the frog with glasses?
A :He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

Cross polar bear with seal

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

On the Rocks

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Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

By e-mole

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Q: How does Avogadro write to his friends?
A: By e-mole!

Little boy on Donkey

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donkey_dead

An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, “What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey.” So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said,” Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, “That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them.” So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You’ll Eventually Lose Your ASS!

Japenese Shocked Behari Rocks

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The Japanese government offers Rabri Devi a golden deal. “Give us Bihar for a year, We will make it like Japan.”
Rabri Devi replies. “Give us Japan for a month. We will make it like Bihar”.

Owl City

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Q: Where do you go for a good time?
A: Owl City.

Prince and her paw parr

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Q: What is a cats favorite book?
A: The prince and the paw-purr.

Reindeer wera fur coats

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Q : Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A : Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Name for twins

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Raabert had twins and comes to the “Boss”…..

twins in bollywood

Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter….
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.

Box of quackers

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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers

Dancing sheep

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Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baa-lerina!

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

Elephant creeping out

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Q :What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
A :Russell!

We don’t have an air conditioner

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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

waiter-serving-food

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.”
said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Dog’s wag their tails

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Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Little of mittens

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Drinking crazy

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A man and his pet seagull walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my seagull.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seagull falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a seagull.”

Reindeer with three eyes

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Q : What do you call a reindeer with three eyes?
A : Reiiindeer

End of the rainbow

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Q :Where do frogs keep their treasure?
A :In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Platypus in a mood

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The platypus went into a bar. He bought two sodas. “That’ll be $2.50, please” said the bartender. “Just put it on my bill” said the platypus.

Feet are Saurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

Big Fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!

Fast food

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Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.

The greatest gift of husband

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
husband-wife-gift
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,”
he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Imam Shocked People After Eid prayer

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An Imam shocked his community when he announced just after Eid ul fitar Prayer that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!” The kind hearted Imam said “Now, now, sister, don’t carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me”.
“Yeah”, she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, “That’s what they said the last time too . . . “

Rubs its legs

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Q:What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
A: Chimney Cricket!

Camel most useful Animal

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This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: “What in God’s name do you use that for?”, he asks. The corporal replies “Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny….” “Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on” About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he’d get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. “Bring me to the camel” says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. “Well”, he says, “is that the way you men do it around here?” “Er…no, sir”, replies the corporal, “We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel.”

chiropractor

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Q: Why did Avogadro stop going to a chiropractor on October 24th?
A: He was only tense to the 23rd!

ugly little boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Chicken wear Pants

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Q: Why don’t chickens wear pants?
A: There peckers on their face.

Pleased to eat you now

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Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: ‘Pleased to eat you.’!

Made out of leather

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Q: Why are cows so soft?
A: Because they are made out of leather.

Lo Bhaiya hum to doob gye..!!

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Bihar government announced Rs 50,000 to every family with 5 children in home.

Pandey had 4 so he tells his wife – Meri girlfriend se mera 1 baccha hai, usey le aata hu. 5 ho jayenge aur Govt 50,000 de degi hume..

Pandey baccha leke ghar aaya aur usne wife se puchha – Baccha aa gaya hai. Hamare 4 kahan hain ?

Wife boli – Jis Jis ke thay woh le gaye.. !!

Talk to a cow

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Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

High Bollocks

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Q: What’s the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks

sloth stand on grapes

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Q: What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Middle of dinosaur

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Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ?
A: The letter “s”!

Crocodile like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie crocodiles like to drink
A: Jaw-va

Shark favourite doustin

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Q: What is a sharks favorite Dustin Hoffman Film
A: Midnight Caudal

Whale of tale

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Q :How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
A :Tell it a whale of a tale!

Owls serves hot Wings

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Q: What do you call an Owl that serves hot wings?
A: Hooters.

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

blind reindeer

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Q : What do you call a blind reindeer?
A : No eye deer (no idea)

Dog with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Platypus learning new language

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Q: When does a platypus go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Titanic doob rha si

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Titanic doob riha si,
ik gore ne santu nu puchiya etho zameen kini dur h?
Santa 1 km.
Gora: kehdi side?
Santa :niche di side

End of th window

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Q: Where do toads keep their treasure?
A: In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Farmer like a maigcian

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow into pasture.

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

The Bear Hug

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Q :Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
A :The bear hug!

Lamb play outside

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Q: Why couldn’t the little lamb play outside?
A: It was being baaaaaaaad!

Greys moves fastly

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Q :What’s grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A :A jet propelled elephant!

Alligators does Tricks

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy says, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Evening mews

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Q: What is the cat’s favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!

Raining cats and dogs

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gif-hamster-1809066

 

 

 

 

 

Q :When do hamsters run away from rain?
A: When its raining cats and dogs!

Eid gift For girlfriend ….

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Girl: Where is my Eid gift?

Boy: road pe red colour ki car dekh rahi ho?

Girl: Khushi se !wowww!

Boy: Same colour ki PONi laya hun apni Shehzadi k liye…

Sir loin

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Q: What do you call a cow with full armor?
A: Sir loin

Camel Teaches Llama

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Q: What did the camel say to the llama?
A: Let me teach you how to spit.

Hot croaka!

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Q :What do frogs drink?
A :Hot croako!

American Lawyer Trying to Win $100 From Pakistani Doctor

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A Pakistani Doctor can’t find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh… this is kerosene.”
Doctor: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Doctor: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Doctor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $1″ not $100!!”
Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
You can’t beat the Pakistanis.😃😃😃

Horse lives next door

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Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Blonde one liners

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Blonde one liner jokes

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don’t drink!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: “Lather, rinse, and repeat.”

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the Sleeping Pills.

Enough Bytes

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Q: What’s the similarity between a Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Hare cut of rabbit

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Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit?
A: A hare-cut.

Nuts and Bolts

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Q: Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
A: To get down to the nuts and bolts.

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.