Do-you-think-he-saw-us

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A: Doyouthinkhesawus

Shoot a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot a crocodile?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Eggs Stinks

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Q: Why are dinosaurs no longer around?
A: Because their eggs stink.

Dogs with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Beardy horse

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Q: What kind of bread does a horse eat?
A: Thoroughbred

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

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Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….

..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

Donkey Auction

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Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction?
A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one.

Ferret favourite song

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Q: What is a ferret’s favorite song?
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl…

Chicken cross the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

Eid Mubarak with Siwayian

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May Your Plate Of Life Be Always Full Of Sweet Siwaiyan

Topped With The Nuts Of Happiness.

With Best EID WISHES,May You Have A Happy Eid

Coca-Koala!

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Q: What’s a Koalas favorite drink?
A: Coca Koala!

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Two legged animal

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Q: If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
A: Stri-ped.

Comet cleans sinks

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Q : Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid?
A : Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Nobody’s herd

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Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody’s herd.

Marsh-mole ows

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Q: What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
A: Marsh-mole-ows!

Stick together

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Q: How do crows stick together in a flock?
A: Velcrow.

Please hop on!

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Q: What did the bus conductor say to the toad?
A: Hop on!

Dinosaur floats

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Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur !

Time to go home

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

Tavern

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

Girl friend like alligator

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Q: What do you get a girl that likes crocodiles?
A: All I got her is shoes.

Polar bear into refrigerator

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Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It’s easy – just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Tusk fairy.!

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Q :What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
A :The tusk fairy!

Shark eart for dinner

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Q: What does a shark eat for dinner?
A: Whatever it wants!

Alligators does Tricks

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy says, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

Sardar reaction on weather forecast

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Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.

1-hand-in-glove

He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Tits were getting long..

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Q :Why do cows have long faces?
A :Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were gettin pulled twice a day

Devout Cowboy

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Hippopotamus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Hippos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the Hippo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Tire-annosaurus

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Q: What made the dinosaur’s car stop ?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Shell-arious ones

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Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?
A: Shell-arious ones!

Horse Cross the road

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Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because somebody shouted hay!

Dino – sewer

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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: dino-sewer.

Lo Bhaiya hum to doob gye..!!

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Bihar government announced Rs 50,000 to every family with 5 children in home.

Pandey had 4 so he tells his wife – Meri girlfriend se mera 1 baccha hai, usey le aata hu. 5 ho jayenge aur Govt 50,000 de degi hume..

Pandey baccha leke ghar aaya aur usne wife se puchha – Baccha aa gaya hai. Hamare 4 kahan hain ?

Wife boli – Jis Jis ke thay woh le gaye.. !!

Cows when sick

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Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever

Quack me up

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Q: Why did the bunny say to the duck?
A: You quack me up!

Favourite president

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Q: Who is a ferret’s favorite president?
A: John Fitchgerald Kennedy.

Tierd Elephant

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Q :Why did the elephant leave the circus?
A :He was tired of working for peanuts.

Camooflauged

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Q: What do you call a cow you can’t see?
A: Camooflauged.

Squirrel For the Holiday

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

Shark joke

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Q: Why did the shark joke book writer’s wife leave him?
A: She wanted to start a relationship with that blond-haired meathead who “wrote” 200 Gross Jokes

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Out of the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it’s nose?
A: OUT of the way!!

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

Monkey like the banana

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Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal

Catch an English Squirrel

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Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

Raining cats and dogs

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Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.

my wife smells nasty

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A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Duck, Skunk and Deer went to dinner

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

Avegadro eats in summer

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Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens

Turtle During Winter

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Q: What does a turtle do during winter?
A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

sloth get fired

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Pain in the ass

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Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine?
A: A pain in the ass.

Leave his momma

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Q: Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
A: Because he couldn’t bear it!

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Shellebrity

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Q: What do you call a famous turtle?
A: A shellebrity.

Clucl o the irish

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
A: The Cluck o’the Irish!

Blind Dinosaur’s Dog

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Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur’s Dog?
A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.

Horses bad manners

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Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

Alligator Shoes

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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”. So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

Cute Friday

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Q: A man from the olden days rode into town on his horse he spended six days and left on Friday how is this possible?
A: Friday was the name of his horse.

Pollunomial Parrots

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Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn’t eat?
A: A polynomeal (polynomial)

Fashionable hippopotamus

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Q: What do you call a fashionable hippopotamus?
A: A hippo-ster.

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

Have a stupid dog

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Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Firen from hi job

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Solitary sharks

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Q: What do you call a solitary shark
A: A “lone” (loan) shark

Seal in each Paw

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Q: What’s a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!

Dowm in mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth!

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Shark favourite james

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Q: What was the shark;s favorite James Joyce novel
A: FINnegan’s wake

Thieving Alligators

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Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crookodile

Butter on the farm

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Q :What do you call the best ‘butter’ on the farm?
A :A goat!

Q: What did one chicken say to

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Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: “You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Picnic Basket

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Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the “Bear” necessities.

Brrrritos like

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Q: What do Penguins like to eat?
A: Brrrrrrrritos.

Hire a teddy bear

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Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Frog with no hind legs

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Q :What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
A :Unhoppy!

Ball Point Gorilla

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Q :What’s black, hairy, and writes under water?
A : A ball-point gorilla!

Teenage sharks

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Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site
A: MyShark

Hop-scotch

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Q :What do drunk toads play?
A :Hop-scotch

Drinking Eve

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man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my grasshopper.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a grasshopper.”

Llamas and alpacas

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Q: What’s the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas?
A: Alpacas have more dark meat!

At the South Pole

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Q: Where do penguins go swimming?
A: At the South Pool!

Lion eaten your mother

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Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother’s sister?
A: An aunt-eater!

They have Gorilla War

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Q: What do monkeys do when they’re mad at each other?
A: They have a Gorilla war!

Dinosaur should be fed up

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs !

Turtle Wax

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Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Croakus

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Q: What’s a toads favorite flower?
A: A croakus!

Dog taking a bath

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Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath?
A: a shampoodle!

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

Moos-quitos

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Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito!

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Sergeants in tha army

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Q: How are tigers are like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

Whale of tale

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Q :How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
A :Tell it a whale of a tale!

Pleased to eat you now

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Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: ‘Pleased to eat you.’!

Illegaly Parked Frog

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Q :What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A :Toad.

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Open toad sandals

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Q : What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A : Open toad sandals!

lemur learning language

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Q: When does a Lemur go “roarrrr”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Pay the taxi fare

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Q: Why didn’t the platypus pay the taxi driver?
A: Because he only had a one-dollar-bill!

A little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I’m Saying Grace

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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, “It’s a miracle!” The polar bear opened one eye and said “Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.”

Dirty double crosser

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Q : What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A :  A dirty double-crosser!

hamster on Spring break

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Q :Where does a hamster go for Spring Break?
A: Hamsterdam!

What happens at Sunday morning at 11?

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This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about
.

Doctors

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..

sweeper

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

All of the organs laughed at Anus :D

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All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:

“I should be in charge,” said the brain , “I run all the body’s systems, without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart , “I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over.”

“No! I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “I process the food that gives us energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “without me the body couldn’t go anywhere.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the anus, “I am responsible for waste removal.”

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
, What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge. 😀 😀

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Sheep Arrested

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Q: Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
A: Because she did a ewe-turn!

Dogs favourite city

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Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Students of new age

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Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?

 Student teacher

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

Stripey sweater

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

A Really Bad Day (joke)

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There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

ferret with carrot

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Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Catch a Gay Squirrel

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Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Bottle Of vinegar

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Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Vidal Baboon

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Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut?
A: Vidal Baboon!

Milk Dude

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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!

Religios skunk

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Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: “Let us spray!”

Pet ferret

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A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Toads lay so many Eggs

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Q: How do toads manage to lay so many eggs?
A: They sit eggsaminations!

Spring chicken

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Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Hide and Speak

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Q: What is a parrot’s favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Giraffe winning a horse race

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Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Sheeps are such a bad drivers

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Q: Why are sheep baaaaaad drivers?
A: They always make illegal ewe turns.

Meals on Wheels

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Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: “Meals on Wheels!”

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

millioinare skunk

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Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Hot croaka

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Hot croako!

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Get a horse drunk

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Q: How do you get a horse drunk?
A: Drink him under the stable.

Fleece Navidad!!

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Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad!”

Lemur cross the road

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Q: Why did the Lemur cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Dinosaucer

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Q: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A: A Dinosaucer

BMW is less smarter

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Q: What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine!

Sloth learning new language

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Q: When does a sloth go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Lick his own dick

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Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Rottweiller in Cenima

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Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

man with cliff

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Q: What do you call a man with seagull on his head?
A: Cliff

Cross snake and frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A :A jumprope!

Long distance caw

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Q :Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
A :He wanted to make a long distance caw.

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Shelfies

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Q: What kind of photos does a turtle take?
A: Shellfies.

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

British sharks want to eat

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Q: What do British sharks like to eat?
A: Fish and kids!

Jawbreaker

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Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.

Missed match socks

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Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash?
A: Evidence.

Rabbits in aircondition

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Q: Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime?
A: They have hare conditioning!

Teenage mutant ninja turtle

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Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A: You get shell shocked.

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

Happy polar bears

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Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!

Sharks favourite century

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Q: Who was the shark’s favorite 20th century art figure?
A: Marcel DuChomp

Orchestra and a bull

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Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull?
A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Lumberjack sharks

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Q: Why didnt the lumberjack shark believe in God
A: He chose log-shark (logic)

Cross platypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a king-sized dinner?

A: A fatty-pus.

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Cross a Donkey with

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Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!

Call a Spy Frog

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Q :What do you call a frog spy?
A :A croak and dagger agent!

Owls are Clever then chicken

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Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Clear the stable

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Q: What did the mare tell her filly after dinner?
A: Clear the Stable.

Fall – Adelphia

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Q :Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building?
A: Fall-adelphia!

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

Ten Pounds

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Q: Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale?
A: ten pounds.

Life in a Zoo

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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow” said the cow. “Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make milk for the farmer” said the cow. “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken,” said the chicken. “Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken. “Right – o, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Reindeer stops lunch

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Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch? “Deery” Queen!

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

hitchicking toad

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Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad?
A: Hop in!

Macintosh Computer

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Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat?
A: A Macintosh

Scientist Crossed zebra and Donkey

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Q: Did you know that scientists crossed a zebra and a donkey?
A: They called it a zeedonk.

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
A: Ground Beef

Call Long John Silver

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Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!

Red nosed pickels

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Q : What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
A : Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Drizzle bears

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Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Bhaiyya g Applied for Engineering Position

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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

Hippo learns language

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Q: When does a hippo go “mooooo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Taunt a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you taunt a crocodile?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.

Sheep always quite

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Q: What do you call a sheep that is always quiet?
A: A shhhheep!

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

Typical Macho Man

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:-
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
“His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Short Dinosaur

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

Jumbo Jet

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Q :What do you call an elephant that flies?
A :A jumbo jet!

Three feet of my cock

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Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Koala-field

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Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

Penguin In a Gas station

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.” The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!” “Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a great time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Rep . Tile

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!

Broke the moled

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Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled

Smart Porcupine

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a porcupine sitting next to him. “Are you a porcupine?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The porcupine replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Dirty double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

An Expert Dele Gator

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Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Caught peepin

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Kind of horses

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Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A: Nightmares!

Hey! This look likes yours :D

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A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Thats when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?”, asked the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

Chistmas to Ewe

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Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Paint rabbits on his head

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Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Police comb the area

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Q: What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street?
A: The police had to comb the area.

Credit Card

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

Stuckt

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Q :What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A :Stuck!

Golf blooded Frog

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Q :What do you call a rich frog?
A :A golf blooded amphibian!

Grizzly mood

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Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?
A: When it’s in a “grizzly” mood.

Teddy bear with pig

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Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Snore-a-sorus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that’s a loud sleeper?
A: A Snore-a-sorus

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

Cross Squirell with Kangroo

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What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground

Will those do you P ?

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Bullogna

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Q: What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Holes in Pajamas

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Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you?
A. By the `D’ on his pajamas.

Banarama..

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Q: What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group?
A: Bananarama!

Is there one Missing

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Q: Did the dinosaur take a bath ?
A: Why, is there one missing?

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

Monkey cook his toast

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Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ?
A: Under a gorilla!

Crocodile attack lawyers

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Q: Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

Sharks message norwagien

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Q: Who was the shark’s favorite Norwegian painter?
A: Edvard Munch!

Hi -po

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Q: How do you say hello to a hippopotamus?
A: Hi-po!

Deer nuts

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Q :What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A :Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Lawn moo-er

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Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A: a lawn moo-er.

Your calves

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Q: What animals do you bring to bed?
A: Your calves.

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

poor skunk

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Gorilla Sunday

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Q :How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae?
A: Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

Milk of Amnesia

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Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

Polar bear go to the movies

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Q: Why shouldn’t you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the movies.

Mommy sharks and daddy

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Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced
A: they no longer loved each other

Goat with one ear

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Q :What do you call a goat with one ear?
A :Van goat.

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Who was sharks favourite

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Q: Who was the sharks second favorite character on NBC’s “The Office”
A: Dwight K. Shark

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Zebra Went To heaven

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A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him “You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?” St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he’s the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, “God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?”
God answered, “You are what you are.”

The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
“Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…”
“What was the answer,” St. Peter asked.

“Well I still don’t know. All He said was: ‘You are what you are.”‘

“Well that answers it,” Said St. Peter. “You’re a white horse with black stripes.”

“How do you know that?” asked the zebra.

“Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: “You is what you is”.

Rabbit in wedding night

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Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding?
A: They went on their bunnymoon!

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

Cutlet above the rest

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Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

Little Squirt

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Q: What do you call a baby whale?
A: A little squirt!

Coraka cola

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Croaka-cola!

Sharks is always quoting

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Q: What kind of shark is always quoting Shakespeare?
A: A bard shark

Jerking each other off

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Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A: Bipolar.

Gorilla most wanted

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Q :Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
A :The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!

cleanest antlers

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Q :Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A : Comet!

Cow get to the moon

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Q: How does a cow get to the mooooon?
A: It flies through udder space!

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Too big to lose

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Q :Teacher: “Where would you find an elephant?”
A:Pupil:”You don’t have to find them, they’re too big to lose!”

Strawberry is red

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Q: What’s the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?
A: The strawberry is red!

Wear White Snickers

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Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Fish and Ships

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Q: What do whales eat?
A: Fish and ships.

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Dinosaur slept all day

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Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ?
A: The dino-snore!

Horse serving drinks in bar

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A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks.

Boy-in-bar
The horse
asks, “What are you staring at?”
Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Got any Pockets

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Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven’t got any pockets.

Drowing otter

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Q: How do you save a drowning otter?
A: Take your foot of its head

Ooo ! I love this

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Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: “Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside – with a nice chewy center!”

Tick tock Doodle doo

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Q: What does an alarm cluck say?
A: “Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!”

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

Alchoholic Porcupine

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A man and his pet porcupine walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my porcupine.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the porcupine falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a porcupine.”

Ahmed with a big smile

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There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, ‘I am sorry but I have some bad news – the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.’

Ahmed replies, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’
‘Can’t do that,’ burrs the farmer, ‘I went out and spent it already.’

Ahmed sighs, ‘OK just unload the donkey anyway.’
Farouk then asks, ‘What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an’ that?’ I’ll raffle him off,’ laughs Ahmed.

The farmer exclaimed, ‘Aargh, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey.’

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, ‘Sure I can. Watch.
Just don’t tell anyone the donkey is dead.’

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
‘Whatever happened to that dead donkey?’Funny Donkey Story

Ahmed answers, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.’

Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’

‘The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,’ chuckled Ahmed, ‘so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.’

Moo-moos

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Q: What do cows wear in Hawaii?
A: Moo- moos

Bunny Rabit

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A :A bunny ribbit.

Zara sambhal ke Eid Guzarna..

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Be Extra Carefull In Dinoo Apna Bohot Khayal Rakhna, Khana

Waqt Par Khana,

Ziyada Wazan Wagaira Nahiin Uthana,

Seeriyaan Ehtiyaat Say Charhna,

Kiyoun K… 9 Wan Mahina Chal Raha Hai,

Aur Theek 1 Dinn Kay Baad Tumko Khushi Milnay Wali Hai,

HAPPY EID in Advance…

A battered puss

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Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus?
A: A battered-pus

Sheep With machine Gun

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Q: What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation.

Fortune Cookie

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Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito?
A: An otter fortune cookie

Ate a duck

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Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Purani gal bhool gya

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Santa: yar bachapan wich me 10 manjil toh kud gya si,

Banta: fer bach gya si ke mar gyi si?

Santa: pta nahi yar badi purani gal h.

Laughing carrots

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Q: What do you call an Lemur with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Donkey kicked his Mother

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Sid was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.Prize Donkey Joke

It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, ‘Jo’s donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.’

‘Well, ‘replied the man, ‘She must have had a lot of friends.’

‘Nope, ‘said Farmer Ellis.’ We all just want to buy his donkey.’

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

Anywhere he wants too

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Q: Where does a tiger sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

The Apes Of Wrath

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Q : Which author do the Gorillas love most?
A: Joh Steinbeck – who wrote ‘The Apes of Wrath!’

Are you sure?

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A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?” Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a moose in the fridge?” The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?” Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.” Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?” Then the student said “No,the moose because he’s still in the fridge.” then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!” She laughs and walks away.

What is the answer ?

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One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

Test Answers

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …!!!

Easter bunny married with chicken

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Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Badger with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Badger with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

A little otter

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Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter.
A: A little (h)otter

Prince and her paw parr

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Q: What is a cats favorite book?
A: The prince and the paw-purr.

Christmas At beach

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Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claws!

Dinosaur lay in the sun

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Q: Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun?
A: At the dino-shore

Frogs listens music

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Q :What kind of music do frogs listen to?
A :Hip Hop

Wearing Venetian Blinds

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Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!

Bugs Bunny !

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Eggs-plodes

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Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Chick dissapoint his mother

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Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be!

The Bear Hug

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Q :Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
A :The bear hug!

Ugly boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Cougar running in a machine

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Q: What’s a cougar running a copy machine called?
A: A copycat!

Sharks like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie sharks like to drink
A: Jaw-va

An Alarm Cluck

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Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

Stops VCR

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Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?
A: It just presses the “paws” button.

Precious book out of cow

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Sir g !! Tussi Great ho

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Santa finds cigarette box in his daughter’s room..
“Oh my god! she smikes”

The he finds whisky
“Oh my god! she drinks”

Then he saw a boy
“Thank God! its all his”

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Bite the bullet

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Dog cross the road

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the “barking” lot!

Rubs its legs

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Q:What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
A: Chimney Cricket!

The meet Market

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Q: Where do cows get together?
A: The meet market.

Squash

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Q :What is an elephants favorite sport?
A :Squash

Change light bulbs

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Need a Bigger condom

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Q: What did the teenage sharks say when they were having sex?
A: “we’re going to need a bigger condom!”

Ugly hippo

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Q: What time is it when a hippo sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!

Pure Evil

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Q: Which dinosaur is pure evil?
A: Daemonosaurus.

Let out a little wine

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Q :What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A :Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Crazy shark

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Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again
A: electro shark therapy

Drive Everyone Nuts

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Q: Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?
A: They drive everyone nuts.

seagulls have wings?

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Q:Why do seagulls have wings?
A:To beat the Gypsies to the rubbish tipa

Looking for Pooh

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Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for pooh.

ugly little boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Devour the Factory

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Q: Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory?
A: Because she was a plant eater!

Ptera Don

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Q: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?
A: Ptera Don

Cow cross the road

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

A mathematician organizes a raffle

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A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

A half Cows

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Q: What do you call I half a cow?
A: a calf.

Goat hosting the Oscar

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Q :What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars?
A :Billy Crystal.

Sheep with no legs

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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Goat at sea

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Q :What do you call a goat at sea?
A :Billy Ocean.

Horrible dream of my life

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Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!

I’d like salad

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Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?
A: “I think I’d like a salad!”

porcupine crossing road

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Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

How fast you carry it

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Q: Is it true that a dinosaur won’t attack if you hold a tree branch?
A: That depends on how fast you carry it!

Tyrannosaurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Medical problem with chicken

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Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I think I’m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long as this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.

Cross gator and Poison Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A :A croakadile.

Sheep can sew its own sweater

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Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
A: An animal that can sew its own sweaters.

Lean beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A: Lean Beef

Cows Will be in heaven

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Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
A: It’s a place of udder delight.

Dorsal Day

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Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actress
A: Dorsal Day

Illegaly parked frog

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Q : What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A : Toad.

Frustrate Boy

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Pakistani Boy :

Smajh nai arha Eid ki khushi ziada hai ya…..??

.

.

.

.

3 din light na jaane ki 🙂

So rude ji je

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Preeto : ji je me mount everest te chad javan taan tusi mainu ki doge?
Santa : puchan wali kehdi gal hai “dhakaa”

Blue cheese!

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Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow?
A: Blue cheese!

Spelling bee

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Q: What’s smarter than a talking parrot?
A: A spelling bee

Pit bull is seeing eye dog ?

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Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, “That smells amazing! Lets get something.”

The other man replies, “But they don’t let dogs in, what are we going to do with them.”

The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, “Follow my lead.”

He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, “You cannot bring dogs in here sir.”

The man gets offended, “Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind.”

The waiter questions this, “But your dog is a pit bull?”

The man replies, “I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well.”

The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, “This is my seeing eye dog too.”

The waiter replies, “Really? A chihuahua?”

The man freaks out, “What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!”

Always said neigh

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Q: Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
A: She always said Neigh

A dumb Ass!!

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Q: What do you call a donkey that was born with a brain injury?
A: A dumb ass!!!

Jockey communicate

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Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse?
A: He lays his cards on the stable.

Roaster doo something

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Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something!

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Lemur a fast food

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Q: What does a lion call a lemur?
A: Fast Food.

Elephant with carrot

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Q :What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
A :Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

sir?

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?
A. Sir.

Parrot talk Properly

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Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
A: Send him to polytechnic!

Aunt Arctica

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Q: Whats a penguins favorite relative?
A: Aunt Arctica!