Shepherd looking for a sheep

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A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, “What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?” Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, “Don’t you know sheep can’t swim?”, We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?” “Who is we?” the Shepherd asked. “Me and the pig?” The sheep replied. “Why on earth would you wallow in mud?” asked the Shepherd. “Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot.” The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. “He went back to the barn.” So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer’s pig.” The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out “He’s right, it was your pig that did it.” Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, “I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take 500 dollars for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say “Well that’s one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of shit anyway.”

Slow Poke

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Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A: A slow poke.

Bullogna

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Q: What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Tadpole

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Q :What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A :A tadpole!

smell icopter

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Q:What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smell-icopter.

Larkian agg lagati hain

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Santa : daso kehde office wich ladies kam nahi kar sakdi?

Banta: firebrigade?

Santa: Q ?

Banta: firebrigade da kam aag bhujana hunda hai aag lgana nahi !

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Flying reindeer

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Q : how can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A : You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

Grasshover

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Q:What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
A:A grasshover!

Cross cat with Owl

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl?
A: Meowls.

Bear Your Heart

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Q: How do you apologize to a koala?
A: BEAR your heart and soul.

Skunk with bear

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Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!

Gorilla riding down

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Q :What’s black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.?
A: A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!

policeman caught nasty boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Curiosity killed the cat

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted a dog to teach her how to bark?
A: Curiousity killed the cat.

Tweeting on test

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Baboom

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Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!

Rabbit hood

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Q: What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the
A: Rabbit Hood.

Long heaird hippo

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Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy

Tyrannosaurus Flex

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Q: What was the most flexible dinosaur?
A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.

Non typical white tail

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Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

Pollunomial Parrots

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Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn’t eat?
A: A polynomeal (polynomial)

Squash

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Q :What is an elephants favorite sport?
A :Squash

Jockey communicate

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Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse?
A: He lays his cards on the stable.

Cristmias trees

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What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? “Horn”-aments!

Elephant weighs nothing

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Q :What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A :Its shadow!

Raccon learning new language

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Q: When does a Raccoon go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Hourgl-ass

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Q: What do you call a donkey that keeps time?
A: Hourgl-ass

Intelligent Grape

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Q: What did the grape say when the ferret stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I liked the books

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a ferret sitting next to him. “Are you a ferret?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The ferret replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Donkey Auction

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Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction?
A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one.

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

Dino-sewer

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Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ?
A: A dino-sewer !

Cross Parrot With shark

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: an animal that talks your head off.

Frogs having Fun

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A cat told a frog “time flies when you are having fun”
The frog corrected her “Actually it’s time is fun when you’re having flies!”

Potato with elephant

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Q :What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
A :Mashed potatoes!

Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Ate a duck

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Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.

Nobody’s herd

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Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody’s herd.

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

I like your thinking

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A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Continue reading

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Crocodile in vest

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Q: What do you call an crocodile in a vest?
A: An investigator.

Triceratops with a kangaroo

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Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ?
A: A Tricera-hops!

Letter to her friend

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Q: How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
A: In a HEN-velope!

Elephants afraid of cheetahs

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Q :Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
A :Because of all the cheetahs!

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

hitchicking toad

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Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad?
A: Hop in!

Afraid of getting toad

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Q :Why didn’t the frog park on the side of the road?
A :He was afraid of getting toad!

Rubbish

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Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ?
A: Two dinosaurs !

Mommy sharks and daddy

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Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced
A: they no longer loved each other

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Build herself a new House

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Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?
A: She was fed up with the hole thing!

Pride of Giraffe

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Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Billy Idol

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Q :What do you call an unemployed goat?
A :Billy Idol.

Barney in an elevator

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Q: What’s green and purple and goes up and down?
A: Barney in an elevator.

Biharu lalu Yadav decide to learn English

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So Lalu Yadav finally decides to learn English. An instructor extremely fluent in English is hired for the job.
The instructor fully confident claims that if he is locked up in a room with Lalu for a week he will surely teach him English. So the orderlies lock Lalu and the instructor in a room
When the room is opened after a week the instructor comes out and says .. “Eee Lalua ke angrezi sikhana to bahute mushkil baat ba”

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Cow stop to drink

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Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!

T-Rex eat Hamburgers

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Neigh buzz

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Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Tiger eats the comedian

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Q: What happened when the tiger ate the comedian ?
A: He felt funny !

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Dinosaur with high heals

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

Call a Frozen chart

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Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Cristmas is coming

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Q : How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
A : He looks at his calen-“deer”!

World without engineers

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Engineers had made our life very comfortable by using science and technology.
But have u ever imagined what would the world look like without engineers, If not then here r
some of the pics what would our life be like :-

Transportation

Mechanical and automobile engineer

Civil engineer of old age
Continue reading

Bihari Headache :D

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A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says “Saala pura body headache maar raha hai “

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Egg crisize

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Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.

Nice Knawing you

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Q: What did they llama say to the blade of grass?
A: Nice knawing you!

What Does He do?

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?” The assistant says, ” 2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.” ”What about the green one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.” ”What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”That one’s 10,000.” The man says, ”What does HE do?” The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.

Fleece Navidad!!

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Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad!”

Top 20 funny quotes

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[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Morse Toad

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Q :What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
A :Morse toad!

Caught peepin

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Bihari in college

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Subject: A class in Bihar College This is a true incident which happened in a college: A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesn’t know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted “follow me” .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted “Don’t follow me” and went inside the class……..
Bihari Professor.
Inside the Class:
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves -take the bigger half.
Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal just passed away in the corridor.
You, meet me behind the class.
Both of you three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today…
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver…..
Take 5 cm wire of any length….

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

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Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….

..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

No Result Found

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?
A: I’m not sure – but I wouldn’t try smelling it!

Santa’s Reindeer

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Q : Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A : “Rude”-olph!

Mooney

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Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
A: Mooney.

A Brr-grrr

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Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A “brrr”-“grrr”!

Raccoon with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Raccoon with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Whale of a tale

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Q :How do you make a fish laugh?
A :Tell a whale of a tale.

Blonde Pet zebra

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Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot!

Twelve foot tooth Brush

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Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A: A twelve-foot toothbrush

Chicken crossed the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

The Law Of The Jungle

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Q :What does a Gorilla attorney study?
A :The Law of the jungle!

Stable diet

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Q: Why are most horses in shape?
A: Because they are on a stable diet.

She was a candy

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Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself?
A: She was a candy-ass.

Three feet of my cock

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Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Fast food is so fast

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Q: Why don’t polar bears like fast food?
A: Because they can’t catch it!

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

End of Ramadan

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Can I Stay
Here
In
Ur
InbOx
&
Wait Till The End Of Ramzan
So
That
I
Can B
The 1st Who
Wish

A
Very sweet
&
Happy Eid Mubarik

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

March Of Penguins

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Q: What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins?
A: Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk

Bite off your head

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!

Shell Block

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Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Leatherback Sec turtle

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Q: What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Say to tha puppy

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Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy?
A: bonappetite

Spelling bee

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking hippo?
A: A spelling bee!

Like A coconut

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Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Teddy bear race

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Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Crocodile comedians

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Q: Why are crocodiles comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Decalfenated

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Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
A: Decalfenated

Got milk?

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Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?

Frogs are happy

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Q :Why are frogs so happy?
A :They eat watever bugs them!

Long Turtle

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Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?
A: A 6-foot turtle.

Rabbit using computer

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Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?
A: Hoppy disks!

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

Smoking Cigarette

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Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself?
A. She’s smoking a cigarette.

terrible lawyers

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Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Rabbit with no hair

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Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Women call a frog

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A :What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Q :Lilly.

He’s a Rain -deer

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

It just let out a wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the otter stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Worst then a bite

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Q :Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
A :His balk was worse than his bite!

moron platy

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Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road?
A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

grape under porcupine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Shell-arious ones

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Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?
A: Shell-arious ones!

Prancer always wet

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Horse that lose a race

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Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

Police de gadi te ghar wali

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Police di gadi te gharwali wich common ki h?
dono apne aan te bda shor machande hai.

Crocodile with GPS

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Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Otter knows how to drive ?

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Q: An otter and an otter are in a car, who’s driving?
A: Animal Control

Baaa-stile day

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Q: What do you call sheep taking over France?
A: Baaaa-stile Day.

Owl caught in the act

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Q: What do you call an owl caught in the act?
A: Spotted!

Old neigh-vy

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Q: Where do horses shop?
A: Old Neigh-vy!

Sas-gorilla

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Q: What’s a monkey’s favourite drink?
A: A sas-gorilla.

Squirrel For the Holiday

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

Hippo with carrot

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Q: What do you call a hippo with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Nasty Wife

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A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!

Gatorade

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Q: What do alligators drink before a race?
A: Gator-Ade.

Call group of chicken

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Q: What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A: A Hensemble.

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

Coutnt them all

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Q: Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?
A: Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

Headmaster and Buflings

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Q: What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

Gazalles

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What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope!

Saturday morning

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It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, “What are you up to?” Mary smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”‘

Cross owl with oester

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Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster?
A: Pearls of Wisdom

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Tiger sing at Christmas

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Q: What do tigers sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells!jungle bells!

Call a Dinasaur

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try and try and try and try-ceratops

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

Donkey that can go

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Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds?
A: Fibergl-ass

Preeto getting hot

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Preeto: aji , aaj kuch ajiha karo ke mere pasine nikal jaan.

Banta : uthiyan te AC & pankhe da switch off kar dita.

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Gorilla playing quiddtich

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Q: What do you call a gorilla playing quidditch?
A: A hairy potter!!

Different between OJ simpson

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Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the Sharks?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence…

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Embarrassed Elephant

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Q :What’s grey but turns red?
A :An embarrassed elephant!

Ferret favourite song

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Q: What is a ferret’s favorite song?
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl…

Farmers milk them dry

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Q: Why don’t cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry

Why do you have Breast on your back

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The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back?” The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

Tiger Eat Lion

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Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion?
A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion.

Milking stool have

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Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder

Chickens foot

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Q: Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Mooooove Over

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Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!

Pickup your truck

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Horse say to other horse

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Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.

Monkey’s Uncle

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Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey’s uncle.

Its whale Of a Tale

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Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale

Frogs listens music

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Q :What kind of music do frogs listen to?
A :Hip Hop

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Box of quackers

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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

show your skunks

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Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew!

Bird that talks

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

Unique Rabbit

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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Find somewhere else to sleep

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Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?
A: Find somewhere else to sleep!

They beat eggs

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Q: Why don’t chickens like people?
A: They beat eggs!

Mooooved to tear

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Q: What do you call a sad cow?
A: Mooooved to tears.

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

Big Fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

moltiplication

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Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication

A mathematician organizes a raffle

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A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

prove my possum

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Q: Why did the badger cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

what are you doing?

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. “Are you a grasshopper?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The grasshopper replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Healthy Rabbit

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Q: What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit?
A: One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Play cards in Jungle

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Q: Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!

Dino-Store

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Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things?
A: At a dino-store!

I got in the back seat by mistake

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A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

Drunk-man-in-car

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Human balls

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Q: What do cat sharks cough up?
A: Human balls.

Bugs Bunny !

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

Prisoner-and-the-flower

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Name for twins

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Raabert had twins and comes to the “Boss”…..

twins in bollywood

Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter….
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.

Sir???

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Q :What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Cross gator and Poison Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A :A croakadile.

Stinky winkey donkey

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Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind ? A:
A stinkey winkey wonkey donkey

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

They have Big fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Lemur stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I’m waiting on my house

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There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.

A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 Drunk-man-waiting-for-home

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”

Don’t be aggressive on Eid day..

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Wishing You HAPPY EID MUBARAK in Advance For The Following 10 Yerar,

2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020

Agar Coming 10 Years Main Aap Ko Koi Pehlay Wish Karnay Ka Dawa Karay,

Tau Aik Rakh Kay Chamaat Daina Aur Yeh SMS Dikha Daina.

O.K

Don’t Delete It.

Blubbering Gum

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A: What are you blubbering about?

Raccoon stand on it

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Q: What did the grape say when the Raccoon stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Feet are Saurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

Evaporated milk

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Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

blind reindeer

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Q : What do you call a blind reindeer?
A : No eye deer (no idea)

Tiger on a Pogo Stick

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Q: Whats striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

it all happened so fast

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like?” “I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

not good for health

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Q : Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A : Because they are both tail bearers

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Rabbit wearing Glasses

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Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

Hamster upset with his job

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Q :Why was the Hamster upset with his job?
A: It didn’t pay enough salary (celery).

A battered puss

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Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus?
A: A battered-pus

Lawn moo-er

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Q :What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A :A lawn moo-er.

Dear calls hunters

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Q: What do deers call hunters?
A: Doe foes.

Hello-hello

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Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

Caramel coated popcorn

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Q: What brand of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts do sharks prefer?
A: Cracker Sharks

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

Drinking crazy

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A man and his pet seagull walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my seagull.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seagull falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a seagull.”

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Shark make the best

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Q: What kind of sharks make the best pog players?
A: Slammerheads!

Stegosaurus

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Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

Anywhere he wants too

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Q: Where does a tiger sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

Take me to your litter

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Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Do sitting on Rabbit

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chili dog on a bun!

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Ugly boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Stork stand on one leg

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Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Bones in the ground

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Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

At the Spawn shop

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Q :Where do you get frogs eggs?
A :At the spawn shop!

Farmer like a maigcian

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow into pasture.

End of the rainbow

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Q :Where do frogs keep their treasure?
A :In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

Video Camera & toilet room

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Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don’t have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape – with everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !! :-)

Mickey Moose

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Q: What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
A: Mickey Moose

Frog in bathtub

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Q : What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A : A rubbit!

Shark Hudson

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Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actor
A: Shark Hudson

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Platypus in a mood

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The platypus went into a bar. He bought two sodas. “That’ll be $2.50, please” said the bartender. “Just put it on my bill” said the platypus.

End of th window

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Q: Where do toads keep their treasure?
A: In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Talking lemur…

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Lemur?
A: A spelling bee!

Out oh the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Out of the way!

The Bear Hug

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Q :Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
A :The bear hug!

Tiger lily

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Q: What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
A: A tiger lily!

My Hearing is Perfect Now

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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

old man

“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

Owl invite his friend

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Q: Why did the Owl invite his friends over?
A: He didn’t want to be Owl by himself.

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A: Doyouthinkhesawus

Little of mittens

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.

Little Whrose

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Q: What do you call a promiscious pony?
A: A Little Whorse

Whale of tale

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Q :How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
A :Tell it a whale of a tale!

2013 which dunya khtm?

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Santa: graduation karan toh bad dobara nursery di padhai start kar denda hai?
Banta: nusrsery di padhai Q kar riha h?
Santa: 2013 wich duniya khatam h…me sochiya hune to padhai start kar dwan

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Cross polar bear with seal

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Four Skin Divers

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Q: How do you circumsize a whale?
A: You send down four-skin divers.

I’m Saying Grace

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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, “It’s a miracle!” The polar bear opened one eye and said “Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.”

Camel most useful Animal

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This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: “What in God’s name do you use that for?”, he asks. The corporal replies “Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny….” “Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on” About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he’d get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. “Bring me to the camel” says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. “Well”, he says, “is that the way you men do it around here?” “Er…no, sir”, replies the corporal, “We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel.”

Goat at sea

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Q :What do you call a goat at sea?
A :Billy Ocean.

Owl City

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Q: Where do you go for a good time?
A: Owl City.

Bullshit

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Q: What family does Maiasaur belong to?
A: I don’t think any families in our neighborhood have one!

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Office memo

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Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Clever politician of India

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

Nasa-sending-engineer-to-mars
The last applicant
was our Indian politician (Lallu Prasad Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”

Japenese Shocked Behari Rocks

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The Japanese government offers Rabri Devi a golden deal. “Give us Bihar for a year, We will make it like Japan.”
Rabri Devi replies. “Give us Japan for a month. We will make it like Bihar”.

California ferret

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Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed.

A little otter

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Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter.
A: A little (h)otter

Prefer a cat dialogue

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Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Bite the bullet

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Wears big and grey masks

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Q :What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
A :The elephantom of the opera!

Bluebird

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Q: What do you call a sad bird?
A: A bluebird!

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

Two rabbits on rollerblades

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Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels?
A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

Little boy on Donkey

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donkey_dead

An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, “What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey.” So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said,” Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, “That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them.” So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You’ll Eventually Lose Your ASS!

Goat With Beer

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Q :What do you call a goat with a beard?
A :Goatee!

Reindeer wera fur coats

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Q : Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A : Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

Do you like whales

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Q :Do you like whales?
A : Cause we can go hump back at my place.

Platypus learning new language

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Q: When does a platypus go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Q: What did one chicken say to

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Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: “You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Dog’s wag their tails

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Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Fast food

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Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

Cross a shark

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Q: What do you get if you cross a shark with a Rottweiler?
A: An abomination unto God Himself

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

Japan Fast, India Very Very Fast

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 There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

taxi-meter-made-in-india-very-very-fast

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Hopthalmologist

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Q :Did you hear about the frog with glasses?
A :He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Shark favourite doustin

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Q: What is a sharks favorite Dustin Hoffman Film
A: Midnight Caudal

Tea Cow

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Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake?
A: TEA COW!

lazy workers :D

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Lamb play outside

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Q: Why couldn’t the little lamb play outside?
A: It was being baaaaaaaad!

sloth stand on grapes

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Q: What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Prince and her paw parr

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Q: What is a cats favorite book?
A: The prince and the paw-purr.

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Porcupine with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Porcupine with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

sir?

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?
A. Sir.

Owls serves hot Wings

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Q: What do you call an Owl that serves hot wings?
A: Hooters.

My lawyer cheats me

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge.
“He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson,
“I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

lazy platypus

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Q: Why did the platypus catch the bus?
A: Because he didn’t want to walk.

Cat in a station wagon

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Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

Pleased to eat you now

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Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: ‘Pleased to eat you.’!

American Lawyer Trying to Win $100 From Pakistani Doctor

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A Pakistani Doctor can’t find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh… this is kerosene.”
Doctor: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Doctor: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Doctor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $1″ not $100!!”
Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
You can’t beat the Pakistanis.😃😃😃

Otter is much better than pizza

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Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and an otter?
A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

I hate that beggar

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Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book “How to Cook”!

Chicken wear Pants

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Q: Why don’t chickens wear pants?
A: There peckers on their face.

Cute Bunch of Cows

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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

Avagadro love to mash

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Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Elephant creeping out

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Q :What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
A :Russell!

chiropractor

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Q: Why did Avogadro stop going to a chiropractor on October 24th?
A: He was only tense to the 23rd!

Elk a seltzer

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Q : What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
A : “Elk”-a-seltzer!

Dinosaur never gives up

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops !

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Dog with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Terrified postman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!

Barn so noisy

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Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.

elephant

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Q: What do you call a platypus that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Dino mite

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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?
A: Dino-mite.

Rubs its legs

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Q:What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
A: Chimney Cricket!

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

Always allow the bosses to speak first

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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

By e-mole

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Q: How does Avogadro write to his friends?
A: By e-mole!

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

are you mad?

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Q: Where do seagulls invest their money?
A: In the stork market!

Hare cut of rabbit

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Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit?
A: A hare-cut.

Otter get into honest buisness

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Q: How does an otter get into an honest business?
A: Usually through the skylight.

Purr-verted

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Q: What do you call a cat that can’t stop licking itself?
A: Purrr-verted.

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

milk to babay

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Q : When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
A: When its a baby reindeer!

Baaa boon

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Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn’t?
A: A baaaa-boon!

Middle of dinosaur

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Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ?
A: The letter “s”!

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

All Lawyers are Not Assholes

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A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”

Sir loin

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Q: What do you call a cow with full armor?
A: Sir loin

Double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: He was a double-crosser!

Ferret crossing road

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Q: Why did the ferret cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Tiger and a snow man

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Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman?
A: Frost-bite!

Any kind

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Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ?
A: Any kind! A house cannot jump!

Cow cross the road

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Walkie talkiee

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie.

With Cowculator

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Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
A: With a Cowculator

Laughing Stock

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Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock

Horse lives next door

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Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Dinosaur lost his glasses

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses?
A: uthinkhesawrus

George Washington

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Q :What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas?
A : As little as possible, dummy!

The greatest gift of husband

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
husband-wife-gift
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,”
he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Horses bad manners

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Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

Female Squirrel

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Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.

ugly little boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”