End of Ramadan

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Can I Stay
Here
In
Ur
InbOx
&
Wait Till The End Of Ramzan
So
That
I
Can B
The 1st Who
Wish

A
Very sweet
&
Happy Eid Mubarik

Horse say to other horse

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Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.

Call a Frozen chart

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Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Its whale Of a Tale

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Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

grape under porcupine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Embarrassed Elephant

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Q :What’s grey but turns red?
A :An embarrassed elephant!

T-Rex eat Hamburgers

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Tiger sing at Christmas

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Q: What do tigers sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells!jungle bells!

Different between OJ simpson

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Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the Sharks?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence…

Donkey that can go

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Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds?
A: Fibergl-ass

Crocodile with GPS

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Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Gazalles

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What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles? Santelope!

Stinky winkey donkey

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Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while breaking wind ? A:
A stinkey winkey wonkey donkey

Worst then a bite

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Q :Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
A :His balk was worse than his bite!

Gorilla playing quiddtich

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Q: What do you call a gorilla playing quidditch?
A: A hairy potter!!

Human balls

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Q: What do cat sharks cough up?
A: Human balls.

Box of quackers

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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers

Frogs listens music

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Q :What kind of music do frogs listen to?
A :Hip Hop

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Don’t be aggressive on Eid day..

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Wishing You HAPPY EID MUBARAK in Advance For The Following 10 Yerar,

2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020

Agar Coming 10 Years Main Aap Ko Koi Pehlay Wish Karnay Ka Dawa Karay,

Tau Aik Rakh Kay Chamaat Daina Aur Yeh SMS Dikha Daina.

O.K

Don’t Delete It.

Tiger Eat Lion

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Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion?
A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion.

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Play cards in Jungle

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Q: Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!

prove my possum

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Q: Why did the badger cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

A mathematician organizes a raffle

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A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

Prancer always wet

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

show your skunks

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Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew!

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

A battered puss

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Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus?
A: A battered-pus

Why do you have Breast on your back

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The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back?” The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”

Caramel coated popcorn

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Q: What brand of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts do sharks prefer?
A: Cracker Sharks

Lawn moo-er

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Q :What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A :A lawn moo-er.

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

Anywhere he wants too

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Q: Where does a tiger sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Dino-Store

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Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things?
A: At a dino-store!

Raccoon stand on it

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Q: What did the grape say when the Raccoon stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Police de gadi te ghar wali

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Police di gadi te gharwali wich common ki h?
dono apne aan te bda shor machande hai.

Bird that talks

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

I got in the back seat by mistake

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A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

Drunk-man-in-car

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

it all happened so fast

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like?” “I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

Call a Dinasaur

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try and try and try and try-ceratops

They beat eggs

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Q: Why don’t chickens like people?
A: They beat eggs!

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Hamster upset with his job

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Q :Why was the Hamster upset with his job?
A: It didn’t pay enough salary (celery).

Find somewhere else to sleep

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Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?
A: Find somewhere else to sleep!

Stegosaurus

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Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

moltiplication

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Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Unique Rabbit

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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Lemur stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

not good for health

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Q : Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A : Because they are both tail bearers

Rabbit wearing Glasses

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Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses!

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Tiger on a Pogo Stick

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Q: Whats striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

Shark make the best

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Q: What kind of sharks make the best pog players?
A: Slammerheads!

Bugs Bunny !

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Hello-hello

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Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

moron platy

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Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road?
A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

It just let out a wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the otter stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I’m waiting on my house

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There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.

A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 Drunk-man-waiting-for-home

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”

Drinking crazy

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A man and his pet seagull walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my seagull.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seagull falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a seagull.”

Cross gator and Poison Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A :A croakadile.

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Dear calls hunters

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Q: What do deers call hunters?
A: Doe foes.

what are you doing?

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. “Are you a grasshopper?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The grasshopper replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Bones in the ground

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Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Little boy on Donkey

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donkey_dead

An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, “What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey.” So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said,” Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, “That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them.” So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You’ll Eventually Lose Your ASS!

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

Bite the bullet

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Evaporated milk

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Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

They have Big fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.

Owl invite his friend

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Q: Why did the Owl invite his friends over?
A: He didn’t want to be Owl by himself.

Blonde one liners

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Blonde one liner jokes

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don’t drink!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: “Lather, rinse, and repeat.”

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the Sleeping Pills.

The Bear Hug

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Q :Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
A :The bear hug!

Big Fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!

Healthy Rabbit

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Q: What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit?
A: One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

A little otter

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Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter.
A: A little (h)otter

2013 which dunya khtm?

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Santa: graduation karan toh bad dobara nursery di padhai start kar denda hai?
Banta: nusrsery di padhai Q kar riha h?
Santa: 2013 wich duniya khatam h…me sochiya hune to padhai start kar dwan

Owl City

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Q: Where do you go for a good time?
A: Owl City.

Little Whrose

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Q: What do you call a promiscious pony?
A: A Little Whorse

Mooooved to tear

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Q: What do you call a sad cow?
A: Mooooved to tears.

Goat With Beer

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Q :What do you call a goat with a beard?
A :Goatee!

Stork stand on one leg

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Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Ugly boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

At the Spawn shop

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Q :Where do you get frogs eggs?
A :At the spawn shop!

Feet are Saurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

Clever politician of India

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

Nasa-sending-engineer-to-mars
The last applicant
was our Indian politician (Lallu Prasad Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”

Talking lemur…

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Lemur?
A: A spelling bee!

Tiger lily

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Q: What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
A: A tiger lily!

Two rabbits on rollerblades

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Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels?
A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

Bluebird

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Q: What do you call a sad bird?
A: A bluebird!

Do sitting on Rabbit

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chili dog on a bun!

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

Prisoner-and-the-flower

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Bullshit

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Q: What family does Maiasaur belong to?
A: I don’t think any families in our neighborhood have one!

Shark Hudson

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Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actor
A: Shark Hudson

End of th window

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Q: Where do toads keep their treasure?
A: In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Mickey Moose

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Q: What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
A: Mickey Moose

Sir???

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Q :What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Four Skin Divers

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Q: How do you circumsize a whale?
A: You send down four-skin divers.

Little of mittens

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.

Camel most useful Animal

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This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel tied up at the back of the fort. He turns to the corporal: “What in God’s name do you use that for?”, he asks. The corporal replies “Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and then, they become, shall we say, horny….” “Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on” About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he’d get up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal. “Bring me to the camel” says he. The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool, takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal. “Well”, he says, “is that the way you men do it around here?” “Er…no, sir”, replies the corporal, “We normally just use the camel to ride to the nearest brothel.”

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Blubbering Gum

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A: What are you blubbering about?

Name for twins

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Raabert had twins and comes to the “Boss”…..

twins in bollywood

Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter….
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.

Out oh the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Out of the way!

Goat at sea

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Q :What do you call a goat at sea?
A :Billy Ocean.

Cross polar bear with seal

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

blind reindeer

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Q : What do you call a blind reindeer?
A : No eye deer (no idea)

I’m Saying Grace

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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, “It’s a miracle!” The polar bear opened one eye and said “Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.”

Whale of tale

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Q :How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
A :Tell it a whale of a tale!

Reindeer wera fur coats

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Q : Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A : Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A: Doyouthinkhesawus

My Hearing is Perfect Now

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A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

old man

“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Prefer a cat dialogue

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Q: Why don’t cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Do you like whales

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Q :Do you like whales?
A : Cause we can go hump back at my place.

Take me to your litter

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Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.

Japenese Shocked Behari Rocks

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The Japanese government offers Rabri Devi a golden deal. “Give us Bihar for a year, We will make it like Japan.”
Rabri Devi replies. “Give us Japan for a month. We will make it like Bihar”.

Video Camera & toilet room

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Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don’t have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape – with everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !! :-)

Porcupine with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Porcupine with a carrot in each ear? A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Wears big and grey masks

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Q :What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
A :The elephantom of the opera!

Office memo

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Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Shark favourite doustin

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Q: What is a sharks favorite Dustin Hoffman Film
A: Midnight Caudal

Cross a shark

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Q: What do you get if you cross a shark with a Rottweiler?
A: An abomination unto God Himself

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

Lamb play outside

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Q: Why couldn’t the little lamb play outside?
A: It was being baaaaaaaad!

Q: What did one chicken say to

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Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: “You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

End of the rainbow

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Q :Where do frogs keep their treasure?
A :In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Otter is much better than pizza

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Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and an otter?
A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

chiropractor

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Q: Why did Avogadro stop going to a chiropractor on October 24th?
A: He was only tense to the 23rd!

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Chicken wear Pants

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Q: Why don’t chickens wear pants?
A: There peckers on their face.

Elephant creeping out

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Q :What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
A :Russell!

are you mad?

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Q: Where do seagulls invest their money?
A: In the stork market!

Frog in bathtub

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Q : What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A : A rubbit!

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

Rubs its legs

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Q:What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
A: Chimney Cricket!

Platypus learning new language

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Q: When does a platypus go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Pleased to eat you now

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Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: ‘Pleased to eat you.’!

Nuts and Bolts

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Q: Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
A: To get down to the nuts and bolts.

Elk a seltzer

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Q : What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
A : “Elk”-a-seltzer!

Fast food

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Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Plug its nose

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Q: How do you make a skunk stop smelling?
A: Plug up its nose!

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

Cat in a station wagon

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Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet

sloth stand on grapes

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Q: What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

By e-mole

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Q: How does Avogadro write to his friends?
A: By e-mole!

Dog’s wag their tails

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Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

elephant

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Q: What do you call a platypus that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Otter get into honest buisness

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Q: How does an otter get into an honest business?
A: Usually through the skylight.

California ferret

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Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed.

Avagadro love to mash

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Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Terrified postman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!

Prince and her paw parr

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Q: What is a cats favorite book?
A: The prince and the paw-purr.

Platypus in a mood

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The platypus went into a bar. He bought two sodas. “That’ll be $2.50, please” said the bartender. “Just put it on my bill” said the platypus.

Always allow the bosses to speak first

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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Japan Fast, India Very Very Fast

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 There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

taxi-meter-made-in-india-very-very-fast

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

sir?

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?
A. Sir.

lazy workers :D

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Dino mite

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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?
A: Dino-mite.

American Lawyer Trying to Win $100 From Pakistani Doctor

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A Pakistani Doctor can’t find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic…
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh… this is kerosene.”
Doctor: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Doctor: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Doctor: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $1″ not $100!!”
Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
You can’t beat the Pakistanis.😃😃😃

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

Tea Cow

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Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake?
A: TEA COW!

Barn so noisy

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Q: Why is a barn so noisy?
A: All the cows have horns.

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Purr-verted

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Q: What do you call a cat that can’t stop licking itself?
A: Purrr-verted.

Farmer like a maigcian

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow into pasture.

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Ferret crossing road

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Q: Why did the ferret cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Owls serves hot Wings

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Q: What do you call an Owl that serves hot wings?
A: Hooters.

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Give back this lantern to Genie :D

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Three guys, standed on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Eid gift For girlfriend ….

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Girl: Where is my Eid gift?

Boy: road pe red colour ki car dekh rahi ho?

Girl: Khushi se !wowww!

Boy: Same colour ki PONi laya hun apni Shehzadi k liye…

Striped Zebra

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Q: If a quadruped has four legs and a biped has two legs, what is a zebra?
A: A stri-ped.

Cute Bunch of Cows

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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

My lawyer cheats me

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge.
“He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson,
“I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

Sardar needs a toilet paper

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Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Continue reading

Please hop on!

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Q: What did the bus conductor say to the toad?
A: Hop on!

Crocodile like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie crocodiles like to drink
A: Jaw-va

I hate that beggar

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Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a book “How to Cook”!

Slide down the banana ster

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Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!

Imam Shocked People After Eid prayer

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An Imam shocked his community when he announced just after Eid ul fitar Prayer that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!” The kind hearted Imam said “Now, now, sister, don’t carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me”.
“Yeah”, she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, “That’s what they said the last time too . . . “

Dinosaur never gives up

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops !

Falling down

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Q :Why did the elephants get kicked out of the pool?
A :Because their trunks kept on falling down.

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

ugly little boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a platypus in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Dancing sheep

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Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baa-lerina!

Horses bad manners

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Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

On the Rocks

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Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

Plant a frog

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Q :What do you get when you plant a frog?
A :A cr-oak tree.

Greys moves fastly

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Q :What’s grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A :A jet propelled elephant!

Tiger and a snow man

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Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman?
A: Frost-bite!

Lo Bhaiya hum to doob gye..!!

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Bihar government announced Rs 50,000 to every family with 5 children in home.

Pandey had 4 so he tells his wife – Meri girlfriend se mera 1 baccha hai, usey le aata hu. 5 ho jayenge aur Govt 50,000 de degi hume..

Pandey baccha leke ghar aaya aur usne wife se puchha – Baccha aa gaya hai. Hamare 4 kahan hain ?

Wife boli – Jis Jis ke thay woh le gaye.. !!

lazy platypus

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Q: Why did the platypus catch the bus?
A: Because he didn’t want to walk.

Dinosaur lost his glasses

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses?
A: uthinkhesawrus

Female Squirrel

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Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.

Titanic doob rha si

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Titanic doob riha si,
ik gore ne santu nu puchiya etho zameen kini dur h?
Santa 1 km.
Gora: kehdi side?
Santa :niche di side

foolish

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Q: Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket?
A: Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can’t play grasshopper!

Santa singh starting chicken farm

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Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

planting-chicken

A month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens because the second lot had also died and then Santa realised “I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said Santa, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”

Firen from hi job

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Hopthalmologist

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Q :Did you hear about the frog with glasses?
A :He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

Hare cut of rabbit

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Q: What do you call an operation on a rabbit?
A: A hare-cut.

The greatest gift of husband

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
husband-wife-gift
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,”
he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Typical Macho Man

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:-
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
“His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

With Cowculator

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Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
A: With a Cowculator

George Washington

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Q :What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas?
A : As little as possible, dummy!

We don’t have an air conditioner

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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

waiter-serving-food

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.”
said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

Laughing Stock

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Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock

milk to babay

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Q : When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
A: When its a baby reindeer!

Stumpy

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Q: What’s the silliest name you can give a giraffe?
A: Stumpy.

All Lawyers are Not Assholes

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A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!”
So the first man asks, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“NO! I’m an asshole!”

Dogs with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Dog with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

Tea Rex

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?
A: Tea Rex?

Middle of dinosaur

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Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ?
A: The letter “s”!

Baaa boon

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Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn’t?
A: A baaaa-boon!

Enough Bytes

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Q: What’s the similarity between a Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

Sir loin

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Q: What do you call a cow with full armor?
A: Sir loin

Made out of leather

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Q: Why are cows so soft?
A: Because they are made out of leather.

Horse lives next door

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Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neigh-bor!

Make shark laugh

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Q: How do you make a shark laugh?
A: Tell a whale of a tale.

Horse Cross the road

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Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because somebody shouted hay!

Walkie talkiee

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie.

Rottweiller in Cenima

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Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Evening mews

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Q: What is the cat’s favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!

Slow Swimmers

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Q: What do you call the stuff between a shark’s teeth?
A: Slow Swimmers.

Lion that swam underwater

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Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: ‘Claws.’

Polar fixed his teeths

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Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.

Shark Tem-sempra

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Q: What magical spell causes the victim to bleed profusely?
A: Shark-temsempra

Dog sits on his chair

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Q: Why wouldn’t the dog sit on his chair?
A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there.

Buy Sharks on wall streets

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Q: Where can you buy sharks on Wall Street?
A: At the shark (stock) market, of course!

Alligator up on the bar

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

“I’ll try,” says a small woman, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

Pasta to cow

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Q: What do you get when you give pasta to a cow?
A: Beefaroni.

Alligators does Tricks

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy says, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

Down in the mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth !

Egg cross the road

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Q: How did the egg cross the road?
A: It scrambled across!

Religiuos Eskimo

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The devout eskimo lost his favorite Bible while he was ice fishing. Three weeks later, a baby polar bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The eskimo couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the polar bear’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the baby polar bear. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Chicken Joke

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.

Kong-vict

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Q:What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A: A Kong-vict!

Shellebrity

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Q: What do you call a famous turtle?
A: A shellebrity.

Enormous holes

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Q. What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops?
A. Enormous holes in the base boards.

Grasshopper

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a grasshopper walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the grasshopper’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the grasshopper. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Papa de kum menu ki pta

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Dipi: maa khana kive bnade ha i?
maa: me tenu kini war dsya
.
.
.
.
ke apne papa de kam di gal mainu na puchiya kar.

Hot croaka!

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Q :What do frogs drink?
A :Hot croako!

Paint rabbits on his head

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Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Raining cats and dogs

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gif-hamster-1809066

 

 

 

 

 

Q :When do hamsters run away from rain?
A: When its raining cats and dogs!

Bunny cross the road

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Q: Why did the bunny cross the road?
A: He wanted to prove he could hip hop!

Both have big memories

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Q :How are elephants and computers similar?
A :They both have big memories.

Any kind

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Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ?
A: Any kind! A house cannot jump!

Udder Failure

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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Llama spirtual leader

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Q: Who is the llama spiritual leader?
A: The Dalai Llama

Sid Travelling Down

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Sid was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.Prize Donkey Joke
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, ‘Jo’s donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.’
‘Well, ‘replied the man, ‘She must have had a lot of friends.’
‘Nope, ‘said Farmer Ellis.’ We all just want to buy his donkey.’

The Naked Ape!

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Q :Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?
A : The Naked Ape!

Cow cross the road

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Camel Teaches Llama

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Q: What did the camel say to the llama?
A: Let me teach you how to spit.

Talk to a cow

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Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Smiles For you

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24 SmileS..

:-)
:-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-):-):-)
:-) :-) :-) :-)
:-):-):-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-)
:-)

For You,

One For Each Hour.!
So ThaT You Keep SMiLiNG 24 HOURS At EiD DaY..

If students get wrong concept

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A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

student-with-open-book

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

Chicken go to KFC

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Q: Why did the chicken go to KFC?
A: He wanted to see a chicken strip.

Cow walking backwards

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Q: What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A: A cow walking backwards!

Prove its possum

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Q: Why did the otter cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Need a Bigger condom

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Q: What did the teenage sharks say when they were having sex?
A: “we’re going to need a bigger condom!”

BMW is less smarter

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Q: What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine!

High Bollocks

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Q: What’s the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydrolics and the other has high bollocks

Reptile works in a farm

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Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
A: An irri-gator.

An ape-ricot Sour

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Q :Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
A :An ape-ricot sour!

Bluberring about

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A :What are u blubbering about?

Double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: He was a double-crosser!

Avagadro have pets?

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Q: Why cant Avogadro have pets.
A: Because he will mole them.

A Really Bad Day (joke)

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There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

New to the Area

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Q :Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
A :Because he was newt to the area!

Eggs-plodes

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Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Tusk fairy.!

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Q :What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
A :The tusk fairy!

Its Shadow

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Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

Call a dog magician

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Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador.

A little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Alligator in a vest

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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Smells like bacon

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Q :What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A: A hamster!

Coraka cola

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Croaka-cola!

Rude-olph

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Q : Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A : “Rude”-olph!

Parrot flew away

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Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A: A polygon

Bombshell outside

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Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
A: The bombshell!

Bill Clinton invites behari to teach english

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Lalu Prasad was once invited by Bill Clinton to White House for one month to learn English.
One month later, Rabri Devi called White House to check how much English Lalu learnt there.
Bill Clinton picked up the phone.
Rabri(assuming it would be Lalu on the other end) : “Kyun ji, English bole la sikh le la?”
Clinton : “Are bhauji aap, pranam! Lalua to kucho nahi sikh saka, hum Bill Clinton(wa) bol raha hun.”

M.P

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Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

interview-desk

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Alligators like to drink

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Q: What do yuppie alligators like to drink
A: Jaw-va

Lay an every day

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Q: What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
A: Hendurance.

Snowy jokes

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Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra

Blind Dinasaur

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Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: adoyouthinkhesaurus.

blind sparrows

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Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
A: The Birds Eye counter!

are you mad

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Q : Which reindeer have the shortest legs?
A : The smallest ones!

Bear ate lease

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Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Hoppercraft

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Q :What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A :A hoppercraft!

Tiger become Herbivore

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Q: Why can’t a tiger become a herbivore?
A: A tiger can’t change his stripes.

Playboy mansion

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Q: What do you call a platypus at the playboy mansion?
A: Platypussy

hippcratic Oath

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Q: How do you make sure a hippo is telling you the truth?
A: Make him take the Hippocratic Oath.

Open toad sandals

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Q : What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A : Open toad sandals!

Crossing the road

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Q: Why did the Raccoon cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Keep Polar bear for charging

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Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?
A: Insist that it pay cash!

Women need in her life

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Q: What 4 animals does a woman need in her life?
A: A mink on her back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all.

Goat hosting the Oscar

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Q :What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars?
A :Billy Crystal.

One Tought Nut

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Q: Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
A: It was one tough nut to crack.

Shark in blennder

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Q: What’s better than a shark in a blender?
A: Two sharks in a blender

Vidal Baboon

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Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut?
A: Vidal Baboon!

The guys was right

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Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

lemur learning language

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Q: When does a Lemur go “roarrrr”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

cenima lover

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a skunk sitting next to him.
“Are you a skunk?” asked the man,
surprised. “Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?” The skunk replied,
“Well, I liked the book.”

Because he has sandy claws

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Q: Why is the desert lion everyone’s favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!

School kion aatay ho ?

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Teacher: Tum school kyun aate ho?
Student: Vidya ke liye sir!

Student coming school for vidya

Teacher: Phir tum class mein soo kyun rahe ho?
Student: Aaj Vidya nahi aayi hai isliye sir!!!

Dino – sewer

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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: dino-sewer.

Turtle During Winter

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Q: What does a turtle do during winter?
A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

Eid Mubarak with Siwayian

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May Your Plate Of Life Be Always Full Of Sweet Siwaiyan

Topped With The Nuts Of Happiness.

With Best EID WISHES,May You Have A Happy Eid

Policeman in shop

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A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature parrot in the front seat. “What are you doing with that parrot?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the parrot again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that parrot to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

Owls are Clever then chicken

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Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

Takes the bull by the horns

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Q: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador?
A: He takes the bull by the horns.

Cougars favourite

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Q: What is cougar’s favorite food ?
A: Baked beings !

Polly un saturated

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Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Platypus took little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the platypus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Owl with a carrot

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Q: What do you call a Owl with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

mic needle

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Q: How do you inoculate a hippo?
A: With a hippodermic needle.

Cross platypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a king-sized dinner?

A: A fatty-pus.

Precious book out of cow

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Devout Cowboy

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Hippopotamus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Hippos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the Hippo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Dirty double crosser

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Q : What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A :  A dirty double-crosser!

Pain in the ass

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Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine?
A: A pain in the ass.

Avagadro in bed

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Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis

Act like Chestnut

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Katy Perry fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.

They were Chicken

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Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
A: Because they were chicken

Cinderelephant

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Q :What’s grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
A :Cinderelephant!

Eggs Stinks

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Q: Why are dinosaurs no longer around?
A: Because their eggs stink.

Roaster doo something

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Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something!

Drinking whole night

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A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my ferret.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a ferret.”

Lives in an igloo

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Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
A: An eskimew!

Feet smell nasty

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Q: Why does a brontosaurus have a long neck?
A: Because it’s feet smell.

Dowm in mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth!

Happy polar bears

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Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!

Liam nelson

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Q: Why did Liam Neeson rescue his daughter?
A: He couldn’t lemur behind.

IHOP restaurants

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Q: Where do rabbits work?
A: At IHOP restaurants!

Cat has trophy

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Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Shellebration

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Q: What happens when you bring a turtle to a party?
A: It becomes a shellebration.