10 cats in a boat

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Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None, because they were copycats!

Bluberring about

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Q :What did the shark say to the whale?
A :What are u blubbering about?

Religious Tiger

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Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

Avacados number

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Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avocados number!

Ice Burgers

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Q: What do penguins eat for lunch?
A: Ice-burgers!

Chewing gum cross the road

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Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to chickens bum.

Police de gadi te ghar wali

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Police di gadi te gharwali wich common ki h?
dono apne aan te bda shor machande hai.

Moltiple choice questions

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Q: What kind of test do student moles like best?
A: Mole-tiple choice.

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

Dino – shore

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Q: Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
A: To the dino-shore !

What rubbish

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Q: What’s worse than one shark coming to dinner?
A: Two sharks coming to dinner

Anything she wants

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Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
A: Anything she wants!

The indian life is best because…

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Indian flag

* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.

* You make tea in a saucepan.

* You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.

* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.

* You have a ‘Singer Brother’ sewing machine at home.

* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk to her for ten years.

* You call an older person you’ve never met before “uncle”.

* You hide everything from your parents.

* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

* Everyone is a family friend.

* Everyone always called you for help on homework.

* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.

* You were thick so you read computer science or business instead.

* You know no one who has read music.

* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.

* You only make telephone calls after 6pm.

* You like the meat well done.

* You eat onions with everything.

* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.

* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you’re with but the waiters don’t understand you.

* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.

* You always say “open the light” instead of “turn the light on”.

* You secure your baggage with a rope.

* You’re walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.

* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.

* You go back to your parents’ country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.

* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.

* To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid.

* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names.

* Your parents call all your friends “Beta” whether they are Indian or not.

* If you aren’t married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it’s too late.

* You are sick and tired of answering questions about “the dot”.

* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried.

* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried.

* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they’re not fighting.

* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian’s house, your parents always talk about businesses… especially if they’re for sale.

* The second you pull out of someone’s driveway, your parents start talking about them.

* Your parents worry what other people will think if you’re not going to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer.

* You’re parent’s always say, “It’s cheaper in India”

Drinking shaun

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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
The surpised grasshopper says “You have a drink named Shaun?”

Polar fixed his teeths

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Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.

Elephant never washes

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Q :What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A :A smellyphant!

Eating his dinner

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Q: How many arms has a crocodile got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!

Horse that lose a race

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Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Smiles For you

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24 SmileS..

🙂
:-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-):-):-)
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
:-):-):-):-)
:-):-):-)
:-):-)
🙂

For You,

One For Each Hour.!
So ThaT You Keep SMiLiNG 24 HOURS At EiD DaY..

Human balls

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Q: What do cat sharks cough up?
A: Human balls.

Elk a seltzer

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Q : What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
A : “Elk”-a-seltzer!

Morse Toad

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Q :What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
A :Morse toad!

Hippontism

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Q: How can you get a hippo to do whatever you want?
A: Hipponotism.

Its whale Of a Tale

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Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale

Pink Panther Show

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Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?
A: The Pink Panter Show!

elephant

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Q: What do you call a platypus that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Preeto getting hot

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Preeto: aji , aaj kuch ajiha karo ke mere pasine nikal jaan.

Banta : uthiyan te AC & pankhe da switch off kar dita.

Dino sore

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Q: What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
A: Dino-sore!

Middle of dinosaur

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Q: What is in the middle of dinosaurs ?
A: The letter “s”!

Shell Block

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Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Ten pounds difference

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Q :Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant?
A :Ten pounds.

Penguin Rolling Down

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Q: What’s black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill

Rabbit using computer

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Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?
A: Hoppy disks!

Blind Dinosaur’s Dog

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Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur’s Dog?
A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.

Chicken cross the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!

Stumpy

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Q: What’s the silliest name you can give a giraffe?
A: Stumpy.

Bears like a bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Shark Hudson

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Q: Who is the shark communitys favorite 1950s film actor
A: Shark Hudson

Owl with a carrot

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Q: What do you call a Owl with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Cows when sick

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Q: What do cows get when they are sick?
A: Hay Fever

Clucl o the irish

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
A: The Cluck o’the Irish!

Nobody’s herd

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Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody’s herd.

Squirrel For the Holiday

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

Avegadro eats in summer

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Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens

Marsh-mole ows

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Q: What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
A: Marsh-mole-ows!

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A: Doyouthinkhesawus

Horse Cross the road

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Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because somebody shouted hay!

Light at night

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A: A tiger moth!

Decalfenated

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Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
A: Decalfenated

Coca-Koala!

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Q: What’s a Koalas favorite drink?
A: Coca Koala!

Shark cross the road

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Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide!

my wife smells nasty

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A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Beardy horse

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Q: What kind of bread does a horse eat?
A: Thoroughbred

Tits were getting long..

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Q :Why do cows have long faces?
A :Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were gettin pulled twice a day

Llama spirtual leader

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Q: Who is the llama spiritual leader?
A: The Dalai Llama

Take me to your litter

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Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.

lazy workers :D

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Polar bear into refrigerator

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Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It’s easy – just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Fast food

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Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.

Professor becomes Plumber

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images (3)

The Wonderful Husband🐰…. Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ‘Hello’ WOMAN: ‘Honey, 🐝it’s me… R u at the club?’ MAN: ‘Yes’😍 WOMAN: ‘I’m at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?’ MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you really like it.’😘 WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one 🚗 I really liked.’ MAN: ‘How much?’ WOMAN: ‘$98,000’ MAN: ‘OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.’ WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for $980,000/-.’ MAN: ‘well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it’s really a pretty good price.’ WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!’ MAN: “You’re worth it. ‘Bye!’ The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open 😧 The man turns and asks “Anybody knows whose phone📱 this is?” 😍👏👍😝😳😁

Shark joke

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Q: Why did the shark joke book writer’s wife leave him?
A: She wanted to start a relationship with that blond-haired meathead who “wrote” 200 Gross Jokes

Ferret favourite song

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Q: What is a ferret’s favorite song?
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl…

Bear to the zoo

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Q: Why shouldn’t you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the cinema!

Favourite president

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Q: Who is a ferret’s favorite president?
A: John Fitchgerald Kennedy.

I’m waiting on my house

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There’s this drunk man standing out on the street corner.

A cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 Drunk-man-waiting-for-home

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbour.”

Shellebrity

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Q: What do you call a famous turtle?
A: A shellebrity.

Tierd Elephant

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Q :Why did the elephant leave the circus?
A :He was tired of working for peanuts.

Shoot a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot a crocodile?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Pain in the ass

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Q: What do you get when a donkey eats a porcupine?
A: A pain in the ass.

Comet cleans sinks

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Q : Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid?
A : Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Catch an English Squirrel

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Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.

This one will seigh you

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Q : What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
A : This one will “sleigh” you!

Monkey like the banana

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Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal

Twelve foot tooth Brush

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Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A: A twelve-foot toothbrush

Elephant crossing the road

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Q :Why did the elephant cross the road?
A :Because the Elephant was having a day off!

Speak to his foot

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Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Two legged animal

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Q: If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
A: Stri-ped.

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Girl friend like alligator

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Q: What do you get a girl that likes crocodiles?
A: All I got her is shoes.

Turtle During Winter

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Q: What does a turtle do during winter?
A: Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

In the Dark

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Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ?
A: In the dark!

Quack me up

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Q: Why did the bunny say to the duck?
A: You quack me up!

Out of the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it’s nose?
A: OUT of the way!!

Avagadro love to mash

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Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Dino – sewer

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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: dino-sewer.

Nuts to the moon

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Q: What do you call a donkey throwing nuts to the moon?
A: An ass throw nut (astronaut).

Sheep Arrested

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Q: Why was the sheep arrested on the freeway?
A: Because she did a ewe-turn!

Have a stupid dog

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Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Turtle Wax

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Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Thieving Alligators

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Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crookodile

Whale of tale

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Q :How do you make a Gorilla laugh?
A :Tell it a whale of a tale!

Lion eaten your mother

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Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother’s sister?
A: An aunt-eater!

Pollunomial Parrots

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Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn’t eat?
A: A polynomeal (polynomial)

Ball Point Gorilla

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Q :What’s black, hairy, and writes under water?
A : A ball-point gorilla!

Picnic Basket

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Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the “Bear” necessities.

Lo Bhaiya hum to doob gye..!!

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Bihar government announced Rs 50,000 to every family with 5 children in home.

Pandey had 4 so he tells his wife – Meri girlfriend se mera 1 baccha hai, usey le aata hu. 5 ho jayenge aur Govt 50,000 de degi hume..

Pandey baccha leke ghar aaya aur usne wife se puchha – Baccha aa gaya hai. Hamare 4 kahan hain ?

Wife boli – Jis Jis ke thay woh le gaye.. !!

Alligators does Tricks

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy says, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

Shark eart for dinner

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Q: What does a shark eat for dinner?
A: Whatever it wants!

A Really Bad Day (joke)

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There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

Man at bar

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.

When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

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Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….

..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

Camooflauged

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Q: What do you call a cow you can’t see?
A: Camooflauged.

Bihari teacher had once gone to cenima

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A Bihari teacher had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the next day at school…
” Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre”

They have Gorilla War

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Q: What do monkeys do when they’re mad at each other?
A: They have a Gorilla war!

I’m Saying Grace

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An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, “It’s a miracle!” The polar bear opened one eye and said “Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.”

Call a Spy Frog

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Q :What do you call a frog spy?
A :A croak and dagger agent!

Dowm in mouth

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Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth!

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Time to go home

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

Tavern

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Dinosaur floats

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Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur !

Solitary sharks

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Q: What do you call a solitary shark
A: A “lone” (loan) shark

Hop-scotch

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Q :What do drunk toads play?
A :Hop-scotch

Stripey sweater

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

Tusk fairy.!

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Q :What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
A :The tusk fairy!

Eid Mubarak with Siwayian

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May Your Plate Of Life Be Always Full Of Sweet Siwaiyan

Topped With The Nuts Of Happiness.

With Best EID WISHES,May You Have A Happy Eid

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

Q: What did one chicken say to

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Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: “You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Kong-vict

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Q:What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A: A Kong-vict!

Pleased to eat you now

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Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: ‘Pleased to eat you.’!

Stick together

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Q: How do crows stick together in a flock?
A: Velcrow.

Alligator Shoes

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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”. So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

Butter on the farm

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Q :What do you call the best ‘butter’ on the farm?
A :A goat!

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

What happens at Sunday morning at 11?

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This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about
.

Doctors

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…

And then……

then…..

then……..

sweeper

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Hire a teddy bear

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Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Students of new age

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Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?

 Student teacher

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

Brrrritos like

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Q: What do Penguins like to eat?
A: Brrrrrrrritos.

Rottweiller in Cenima

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Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Tire-annosaurus

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Q: What made the dinosaur’s car stop ?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Illegaly Parked Frog

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Q :What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A :Toad.

Dogs with no legs

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter…. he’s not going to come anyway.

2013 which dunya khtm?

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Santa: graduation karan toh bad dobara nursery di padhai start kar denda hai?
Banta: nusrsery di padhai Q kar riha h?
Santa: 2013 wich duniya khatam h…me sochiya hune to padhai start kar dwan

Dinosaur should be fed up

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs !

Devout Cowboy

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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the savannah. Three weeks later, a Hippopotamus walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the Hippos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the Hippo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Shell-arious ones

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Q: What kind of jokes do sea turtles tell?
A: Shell-arious ones!

Leave his momma

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Q: Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
A: Because he couldn’t bear it!

Donkey Auction

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Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction?
A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one.

Moos-quitos

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Q: What has antlers and sucks blood?
A: A moose-quito!

Raining cats and dogs

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Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.

Please hop on!

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Q: What did the bus conductor say to the toad?
A: Hop on!

Horses bad manners

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Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
A: Because it had bad stable manners!

Dogs favourite city

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Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Sloth learning new language

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Q: When does a sloth go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Dog taking a bath

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Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath?
A: a shampoodle!

Happy polar bears

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Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!

millioinare skunk

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Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!

Long distance caw

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Q :Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
A :He wanted to make a long distance caw.

Hot croaka

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Hot croako!

Lumberjack sharks

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Q: Why didnt the lumberjack shark believe in God
A: He chose log-shark (logic)

At the South Pole

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Q: Where do penguins go swimming?
A: At the South Pool!

Dinosaucer

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Q: What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A: A Dinosaucer

Shark favourite james

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Q: What was the shark;s favorite James Joyce novel
A: FINnegan’s wake

Catch a Gay Squirrel

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Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).

ferret with carrot

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Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

BMW is less smarter

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Q: What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine!

Rabbits in aircondition

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Q: Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime?
A: They have hare conditioning!

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Fleece Navidad!!

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Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad!”

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Pet ferret

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A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Orchestra and a bull

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Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull?
A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

Sheeps are such a bad drivers

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Q: Why are sheep baaaaaad drivers?
A: They always make illegal ewe turns.

Lemur cross the road

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Q: Why did the Lemur cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Dirty double crosser

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Q : What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A :  A dirty double-crosser!

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

Cross platypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus with a king-sized dinner?

A: A fatty-pus.

man with cliff

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Q: What do you call a man with seagull on his head?
A: Cliff

Seal in each Paw

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Q: What’s a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!

Vidal Baboon

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Q: Where do gorillas like to get their hair cut?
A: Vidal Baboon!

Frog with no hind legs

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Q :What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
A :Unhoppy!

Giraffe winning a horse race

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Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.

Pay the taxi fare

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Q: Why didn’t the platypus pay the taxi driver?
A: Because he only had a one-dollar-bill!

Owls are Clever then chicken

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Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Cross snake and frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A :A jumprope!

sloth get fired

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Croakus

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Q: What’s a toads favorite flower?
A: A croakus!

Eggs Stinks

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Q: Why are dinosaurs no longer around?
A: Because their eggs stink.

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

Fashionable hippopotamus

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Q: What do you call a fashionable hippopotamus?
A: A hippo-ster.

Llamas and alpacas

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Q: What’s the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas?
A: Alpacas have more dark meat!

Cute Friday

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Q: A man from the olden days rode into town on his horse he spended six days and left on Friday how is this possible?
A: Friday was the name of his horse.

All of the organs laughed at Anus :D

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download

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:

“I should be in charge,” said the brain , “I run all the body’s systems, without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart , “I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over.”

“No! I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “I process the food that gives us energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “without me the body couldn’t go anywhere.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the anus, “I am responsible for waste removal.”

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
, What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge. 😀 😀

Teenage mutant ninja turtle

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Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A: You get shell shocked.

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

Hide and Speak

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Q: What is a parrot’s favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

Sardar reaction on weather forecast

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Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.

1-hand-in-glove

He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Drinking Eve

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man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my grasshopper.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a grasshopper.”

Shelfies

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Q: What kind of photos does a turtle take?
A: Shellfies.

Spring chicken

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Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.

A little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Milk Dude

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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!

hamster on Spring break

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Q :Where does a hamster go for Spring Break?
A: Hamsterdam!

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

Teenage sharks

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Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site
A: MyShark

lemur learning language

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Q: When does a Lemur go “roarrrr”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Cross a Donkey with

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Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!

Life in a Zoo

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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow” said the cow. “Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make milk for the farmer” said the cow. “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken,” said the chicken. “Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken. “Right – o, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

Jumbo Jet

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Q :What do you call an elephant that flies?
A :A jumbo jet!

Fall – Adelphia

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Q :Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building?
A: Fall-adelphia!

hitchicking toad

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Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad?
A: Hop in!

Reindeer stops lunch

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Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch? “Deery” Queen!

Dirty double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

Koala-field

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Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Scientist Crossed zebra and Donkey

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Q: Did you know that scientists crossed a zebra and a donkey?
A: They called it a zeedonk.

Meals on Wheels

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Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: “Meals on Wheels!”

Paint rabbits on his head

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Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Jawbreaker

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Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.

Bottle Of vinegar

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Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

Kind of horses

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Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A: Nightmares!

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Toads lay so many Eggs

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Q: How do toads manage to lay so many eggs?
A: They sit eggsaminations!

Hippo learns language

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Q: When does a hippo go “mooooo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

Broke the moled

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Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled

Penguin In a Gas station

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.” The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!” “Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a great time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Credit Card

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Short Dinosaur

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

Snore-a-sorus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that’s a loud sleeper?
A: A Snore-a-sorus

Ten Pounds

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Q: Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale?
A: ten pounds.

Open toad sandals

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Q : What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A : Open toad sandals!

Sergeants in tha army

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Q: How are tigers are like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

Red nosed pickels

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Q : What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
A : Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Golf blooded Frog

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Q :What do you call a rich frog?
A :A golf blooded amphibian!

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

Macintosh Computer

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Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat?
A: A Macintosh

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Call Long John Silver

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Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!

Taunt a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you taunt a crocodile?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Drizzle bears

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Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Lick his own dick

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Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Smart Porcupine

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a porcupine sitting next to him. “Are you a porcupine?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The porcupine replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Stuckt

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Q :What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A :Stuck!

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Missed match socks

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Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash?
A: Evidence.

Get a horse drunk

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Q: How do you get a horse drunk?
A: Drink him under the stable.

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Firen from hi job

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

British sharks want to eat

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Q: What do British sharks like to eat?
A: Fish and kids!

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Typical Macho Man

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:-
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
“His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Religios skunk

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Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: “Let us spray!”

Teddy bear with pig

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Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Cross Squirell with Kangroo

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What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground

Will those do you P ?

Monkey cook his toast

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Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ?
A: Under a gorilla!

Sharks favourite century

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Q: Who was the shark’s favorite 20th century art figure?
A: Marcel DuChomp

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

Police comb the area

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Q: What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street?
A: The police had to comb the area.

Chistmas to Ewe

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Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Crocodile attack lawyers

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Q: Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

Banarama..

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Q: What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group?
A: Bananarama!

Lawn moo-er

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Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A: a lawn moo-er.

An Expert Dele Gator

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Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

Grizzly mood

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Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?
A: When it’s in a “grizzly” mood.

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

Bhaiyya g Applied for Engineering Position

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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

Is there one Missing

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Q: Did the dinosaur take a bath ?
A: Why, is there one missing?

Who was sharks favourite

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Q: Who was the sharks second favorite character on NBC’s “The Office”
A: Dwight K. Shark

Caught peepin

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Clear the stable

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Q: What did the mare tell her filly after dinner?
A: Clear the Stable.

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
A: Ground Beef

Goat with one ear

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Q :What do you call a goat with one ear?
A :Van goat.

Hey! This look likes yours :D

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A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. Thats when I made my mistake.” “What did you do?”, asked the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”

Sharks message norwagien

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Q: Who was the shark’s favorite Norwegian painter?
A: Edvard Munch!

Rep . Tile

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Baby Giraffes

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Q: What do giraffes have that no one else has?
A: Baby giraffes!

Hi -po

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Q: How do you say hello to a hippopotamus?
A: Hi-po!

Bullogna

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Q: What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Sheep always quite

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Q: What do you call a sheep that is always quiet?
A: A shhhheep!

Three feet of my cock

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Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Gorilla Sunday

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Q :How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae?
A: Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Ahmed with a big smile

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There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, ‘I am sorry but I have some bad news – the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.’

Ahmed replies, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’
‘Can’t do that,’ burrs the farmer, ‘I went out and spent it already.’

Ahmed sighs, ‘OK just unload the donkey anyway.’
Farouk then asks, ‘What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an’ that?’ I’ll raffle him off,’ laughs Ahmed.

The farmer exclaimed, ‘Aargh, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey.’

But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, ‘Sure I can. Watch.
Just don’t tell anyone the donkey is dead.’

A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks,
‘Whatever happened to that dead donkey?’Funny Donkey Story

Ahmed answers, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.’

Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’

‘The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,’ chuckled Ahmed, ‘so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.’

Jerking each other off

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Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A: Bipolar.

Alchoholic Porcupine

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A man and his pet porcupine walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my porcupine.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the porcupine falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a porcupine.”

Milk of Amnesia

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Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia

Polar bear go to the movies

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Q: Why shouldn’t you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the movies.

Your calves

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Q: What animals do you bring to bed?
A: Your calves.

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

Zebra Went To heaven

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A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him “You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?” St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he’s the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, “God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?”
God answered, “You are what you are.”

The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
“Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…”
“What was the answer,” St. Peter asked.

“Well I still don’t know. All He said was: ‘You are what you are.”‘

“Well that answers it,” Said St. Peter. “You’re a white horse with black stripes.”

“How do you know that?” asked the zebra.

“Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: “You is what you is”.

Cow get to the moon

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Q: How does a cow get to the mooooon?
A: It flies through udder space!

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Mommy sharks and daddy

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Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced
A: they no longer loved each other

Wear White Snickers

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Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Deer nuts

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Q :What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A :Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Holes in Pajamas

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Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you?
A. By the `D’ on his pajamas.

poor skunk

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Zara sambhal ke Eid Guzarna..

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Be Extra Carefull In Dinoo Apna Bohot Khayal Rakhna, Khana

Waqt Par Khana,

Ziyada Wazan Wagaira Nahiin Uthana,

Seeriyaan Ehtiyaat Say Charhna,

Kiyoun K… 9 Wan Mahina Chal Raha Hai,

Aur Theek 1 Dinn Kay Baad Tumko Khushi Milnay Wali Hai,

HAPPY EID in Advance…

Alchoholic badger

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A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my badger.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a badger.”

Coop- cakes

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Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Need a Bigger condom

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Q: What did the teenage sharks say when they were having sex?
A: “we’re going to need a bigger condom!”

Got any Pockets

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Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven’t got any pockets.

A little otter

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Q: What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter.
A: A little (h)otter

Eggs-plodes

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Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Horse serving drinks in bar

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A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks.

Boy-in-bar
The horse
asks, “What are you staring at?”
Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Strawberry is red

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Q: What’s the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?
A: The strawberry is red!

Ugly hippo

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Q: What time is it when a hippo sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!

How fast you carry it

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Q: Is it true that a dinosaur won’t attack if you hold a tree branch?
A: That depends on how fast you carry it!

Cougar running in a machine

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Q: What’s a cougar running a copy machine called?
A: A copycat!

Purani gal bhool gya

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Santa: yar bachapan wich me 10 manjil toh kud gya si,

Banta: fer bach gya si ke mar gyi si?

Santa: pta nahi yar badi purani gal h.

Pure Evil

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Q: Which dinosaur is pure evil?
A: Daemonosaurus.

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

An Alarm Cluck

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Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!

Ugly boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a grasshopper in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Fortune Cookie

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Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito?
A: An otter fortune cookie

Cow cross the road

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Drive Everyone Nuts

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Q: Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?
A: They drive everyone nuts.

Tick tock Doodle doo

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Q: What does an alarm cluck say?
A: “Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo!”

Goat hosting the Oscar

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Q :What do you call a goat hosting the Oscars?
A :Billy Crystal.

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

Are you sure?

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A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?” Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a moose in the fridge?” The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?” Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.” Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?” Then the student said “No,the moose because he’s still in the fridge.” then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!” She laughs and walks away.

A battered puss

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Q: What do you call a deep fried platypus?
A: A battered-pus

Change light bulbs

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Q : How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
A : Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Cutlet above the rest

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Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

Moo-moos

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Q: What do cows wear in Hawaii?
A: Moo- moos

Dog cross the road

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the “barking” lot!

A half Cows

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Q: What do you call I half a cow?
A: a calf.

Rubs its legs

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Q:What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
A: Chimney Cricket!

Ooo ! I love this

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Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: “Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside – with a nice chewy center!”

Dinosaur lay in the sun

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Q: Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun?
A: At the dino-shore

Too big to lose

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Q :Teacher: “Where would you find an elephant?”
A:Pupil:”You don’t have to find them, they’re too big to lose!”

Sheep With machine Gun

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Q: What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation.

porcupine crossing road

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Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Coraka cola

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Q: What do toads drink?
A: Croaka-cola!

Christmas At beach

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Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claws!

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

cleanest antlers

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Q :Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A : Comet!

Gorilla most wanted

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Q :Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
A :The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!

Wearing Venetian Blinds

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Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!

Bunny Rabit

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A :A bunny ribbit.

Goat at sea

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Q :What do you call a goat at sea?
A :Billy Ocean.

Sharks is always quoting

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Q: What kind of shark is always quoting Shakespeare?
A: A bard shark

Fish and Ships

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Q: What do whales eat?
A: Fish and ships.