Tourist in sleeping bag

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Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: “Sandwiches!”

Cougar croosed the road

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Q: Why did the cougar cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Giraffe winning a horse race

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Q: What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A: A longshot.

Cross cat with Owl

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and an owl?
A: Meowls.

Pay the taxi fare

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Q: Why didn’t the platypus pay the taxi driver?
A: Because he only had a one-dollar-bill!

Milk shake

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Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow?
A: Milk Sheikh!

Llamas and alpacas

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Q: What’s the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas?
A: Alpacas have more dark meat!

Green Pistachio Nuts

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Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.

Difference between Cat and Frog

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Q :What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
A :A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

Sheep with no legs

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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Cheer him up

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Q: What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ?
A: Cheer him up

Peeling well..

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Q: Why did the gorilla go to the doctor?
A: Because his banana wasn’t peeling very well!

Croakus

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Q: What’s a toads favorite flower?
A: A croakus!

Ten pounds difference

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Q :Whats the difference between your mom and an African Elephant?
A :Ten pounds.

Short Dinosaur

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

Cow is a best dancer

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Q: How can you tell which cow is the best dancer?
A: Wait til one busts a moooooove

Sheep go when they die

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Q: Where do sheep go when they die?
A: To the baa baa que.

Banarama..

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Q: What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group?
A: Bananarama!

Biharu lalu Yadav decide to learn English

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So Lalu Yadav finally decides to learn English. An instructor extremely fluent in English is hired for the job.
The instructor fully confident claims that if he is locked up in a room with Lalu for a week he will surely teach him English. So the orderlies lock Lalu and the instructor in a room
When the room is opened after a week the instructor comes out and says .. “Eee Lalua ke angrezi sikhana to bahute mushkil baat ba”

Abrahmster lincoln

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Q :What do you call a hamster with a top hat?
A: Abrahamster Lincoln

Hare -raising tail

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Q: Why did the rabbit like the adventure?
A: It was a “hare-raising tail”

He had little Ape-tude

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Q :Why did the Gorilla fail English?
A : He had little Ape-titude!

Anything you like..

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Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears?
A. Anything you like, he won’t hear you!

Card shark

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Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CARDSHARK

Two Hunters

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Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, “I`ll be back in one week. No more than one moose – got it?” One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The pilot says, “Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose.” One of the hunters replies, “Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a `big` tip to take both moose out.” The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet. Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says, “Where the heck are we?” The other looks around and replies, “About 200 yards further than we got last year!”

Credit Card

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

Penguins In Revolving Door

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Q: What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Cross a cow and a duck

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Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers!

Freeze a jolly

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Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Love shark

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Q: What was the sharks favorites song
A: Love Shark

Shark Avoid serving

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Q: How did the shark avoid serving in the army?
A: He was a conscientious ob-shark-ter

Racist Zebra

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There once were two little zebras who wanted to know if they were white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. One little zebra suggested to visit the “Zebra of the Wise” The two little zebras went to the Zebra of the wise and asked, “Are we black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?” The Zebra of the wise replied ” We are who we are.” The one little zebra said “OK” and ran away. Then the other little zebra followed him. The one little zebra said to the other… ” He didn’t answer us, so what are we?” The one little zebra said ” We are white with black stripes.” The other zebra said “how do you know that.” Then the little zebra said, ” Well if we were black with white stripes he would have said ” We is who we is.”

Drizzle bears

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Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.

Stupid One

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Q: When does a giraffe have 8 legs?
A: When there are two of them!

Shooting in my shorts

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Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I’ve been shooting in my shorts!

Name six wild animals

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Q :Teacher: “Name six wild animals”
A :Students:”Four elephants and two lions!”

Turtle Wax

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Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Deer with no eyes

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

Get into Donners house

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Q : How do you get into Donner’s house?
A : You ring the “deer”-bell!

Anywhere wants to

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Q: Where does a cougar sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

Light at night

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A: A tiger moth!

Dino-mite

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks?
A: A dino-mite

Picnic Basket

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Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the “Bear” necessities.

Goat playin the piano

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Q :What do you call a goat playing the piano?
A :Billy Joel.

In the Dark

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Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ?
A: In the dark!

Miss Ape-ril!

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Q:How did Gertie Gorilla make the ‘Playboy’ Calendar?
A:She was ‘Miss Ape-ril!’

Spanish Goats

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Q :What do you call a Spanish goat with no back legs?
A :Gracias.

Cross parrot with Gorilla

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Q : What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla?
A : Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you’d listen!

Llama – ables

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Q: What did the llama have for dinner?
A: Llama-ables

Polar bear into refrigerator

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Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It’s easy – just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Censorerd fun

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Q: What do you call the loose skin around the vagina?
A: An otter

Cristmias trees

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What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? “Horn”-aments!

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

Let out a little wine

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Q :What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A :Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Calvin feed hobbes

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Q: What does Calvin feed Hobbes?
A: Nothing he’s already stuffed.

porcupine crossing road

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Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Beggar and software developer

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A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???

beggar and software developer

So, Which Platform are you Working on ???

Big ho peep

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Q :Who lost a herd of elephants?
A :Big bo peep!

Chick dissapoint his mother

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Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be!

Frogs having Fun

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A cat told a frog “time flies when you are having fun”
The frog corrected her “Actually it’s time is fun when you’re having flies!”

Anything she wants

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Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
A: Anything she wants!

Fortune Cookie

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Q: What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito?
A: An otter fortune cookie

Gorilla are cheetahs

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Q: Why don’t the gorillas in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

Teacher

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Once a teacher was teaching the children about stripes animal. Teacher:Aisha stand up and tell me any two names of striped animals. Aisha:Zebra. Teacher:Very good now tell the other name! Aisha:Another zebra.

Call9 9 rabbits

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Q: What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards?
A: A receding hare line!

I have sipt in this beer, do not drink

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

Drink-at-bar

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have sipt in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

Pony sleigh

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Q : What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A : A pony sleigh station!

Mooolasses

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Q: What does a cow put on his french toast?
A: Moooolasses.

Sun burned Zebra

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Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: A sun-burned zebra!

What rubbish

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Q: What’s worse than one shark coming to dinner?
A: Two sharks coming to dinner

Dino-sewer

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Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ?
A: A dino-sewer !

Call 911

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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

Tweeting on test

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Dino-saw

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Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
A: A dino-saw !

Potty-pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a toilet and a platypus?
A: A potty-pus

Clucl o the irish

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Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
A: The Cluck o’the Irish!

I liked the books

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a ferret sitting next to him. “Are you a ferret?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The ferret replied, “Well, I liked the book.

Cow can cut the grass

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Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?
A: Mulan.

Crocodile in vest

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Q: What do you call an crocodile in a vest?
A: An investigator.

Elephant with spare parts

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Q :What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
A :An elephant with spare parts!

Bunny Rabit

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Q :What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A :A bunny ribbit.

Chicken cross the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way?
A: He wanted to lay it on the line!

Shepherd looking for a sheep

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A shepherd was looking for a lost sheep, after a couple hours he found it stuck in some briar bushes and covered with mud. He rescued the sheep. After several slanderous remarks about the muddy dumb sheep, the sheep blurted out, “What are you griping about, I almost drowned in the pond?” Shocked at hearing the Sheep speak, the Shepherd asked the sheep why he was in the pond in the first place, “Don’t you know sheep can’t swim?”, We were not swimming, we were wallowing in mud and I stepped into, a deep hole?” “Who is we?” the Shepherd asked. “Me and the pig?” The sheep replied. “Why on earth would you wallow in mud?” asked the Shepherd. “Well the pig said it would make me cooler, I was getting hot.” The shepherd asked the sheep where the pig was. The sheep replied. “He went back to the barn.” So the Shepherd put the sheep on his shoulders and began his trip back to the barn. He did not own a pig, and he planned to take the pig to task for the mud wallowing incident. The next day the shepherd?s rich neighbor a farmer came by and inquired if the shepherd had seen his pig. Soon the Shepherd began telling the rich farmer about the sheep and pig story, and demanded compensation for the incident caused by the farmer’s pig.” The farmer expressed his doubts to the Shepherd, whereupon the Sheep blurted out “He’s right, it was your pig that did it.” Just then the rich farmer realized that this was a talking sheep. He thought to himself, “I can make millions with a talking sheep. He stopped the discussion and asked if the shepherd would take 500 dollars for the sheep. The shepherd replied that he would consider the sale on an as is basis, no guarantees. The farmer then bought the sheep and the trade was done. The shepherd turned and as he walked away the farmer heard him say “Well that’s one less diseased and dying sheep I have to worry about, Your pig said he was full of shit anyway.”

Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Elephant claus

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Q:Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
A: Elephanta Claus!

Koalifications

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Q: Why isn’t the the koala a real bear?
A: He doesn’t have the right koalifications.

my wife smells nasty

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A guy brings a Lemur home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Penguin In a Gas station

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.” The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!” “Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a great time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

He is a meat Eater

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

smell icopter

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Q:What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smell-icopter.

Zebra black and White peace

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Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.
I suppose when you’ve seen one lion catch a zebra, you’ve seen a maul.

Cow stop to drink

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Q: Where does a cow stop to drink?
A: The milky way!

Dino sore

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Q: What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
A: Dino-sore!

T-Rex eat Hamburgers

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Q: Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
A: Because he is a meat eater!

Sore throat

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Q: What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

Disappointed salesman of Coca Cola

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A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting.

 Desert-man-exhausted

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Drinking-coca-cola

Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”

Out of the way

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Q: What do you get when a dinosaur blows it’s nose?
A: OUT of the way!!

How many arms Alligators have

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Q: How many arms has a alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!

A swell shark

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Q: What is the keenest kind of shark?
A: A swellshark!

man with cliff

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Q: What do you call a man with seagull on his head?
A: Cliff

Fast food is so fast

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Q: Why don’t polar bears like fast food?
A: Because they can’t catch it!

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Owl Magician

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Q: What do you call an owl magician?
A: Hoooooo-dini

Scotish toads play

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Q: What do Scottish toads play?
A: Hop-scotch!

The Law Of The Jungle

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Q :What does a Gorilla attorney study?
A :The Law of the jungle!

One Wags a tail

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Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Haha Long Arm of the Law

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Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffes with a police-man ?
A: Long-arm of the Law !

Avagadro is so rich

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Q: Why is Avogadro so rich?
A: He’s a multi-mole-ionare!

Brown and white eat hamster

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Q :What is white and brown and eats hamster food?
A: My hamster!

Fatty puss

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Q: What do you get if you cross a hungry cat with roast duck? A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss!

Egg crisize

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Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.

Rabbit using computer

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Q: What do rabbits put in their computers?
A: Hoppy disks!

Ground beef

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef

Climb a tree

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).

Slow Poke

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Q: What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A: A slow poke.

17 Management Funda’s for you

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1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”
office-management-fundas
7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”
offce-computers
13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

Elephant weighs nothing

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Q :What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A :Its shadow!

Rubbish

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Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur ?
A: Two dinosaurs !

Farmer become school teacher

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Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?
A: So he could grade his eggs

Flying reindeer

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Q : how can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A : You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

Hare dryer

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Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower?
A: A hare dryer!

Gorilla riding down

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Q :What’s black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.?
A: A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!

Nuts Won’t Fit

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Q: Why don’t squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won’t fit

Polar bear go to the movies

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Q: Why shouldn’t you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the movies.

A Guy walks in a bar with his pet Monkey

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Triceratops with a kangaroo

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Q: What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ?
A: A Tricera-hops!

Build herself a new House

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Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?
A: She was fed up with the hole thing!

Grasshover

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Q:What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
A:A grasshover!

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Blonde cheats Lawyer

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clever layer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Bear Your Heart

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Q: How do you apologize to a koala?
A: BEAR your heart and soul.

Mailman is my Father :(

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One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, ” God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, ” Why did you say the last part? ” The daughter replies, ” Because I needed to. ” The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, ” Is this just a coincidence? ”
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, ” Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. ” The father now is thinking, ” Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? ” The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, ” Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. ” The father starts panicking and saying, ” Holy shit! I’m going to die tomorrow! ” The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It’s past midnight. The father says, ” How is this possible? I should be dead! ” He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, ” What took you so long!? ” The father says, ” Listen honey, today I haven’t had the best of days. ” Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, ” I saw the mailman die yesterday! ”

Billy Idol

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Q :What do you call an unemployed goat?
A :Billy Idol.

Marsh-mole ows

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Q: What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
A: Marsh-mole-ows!

Holstain

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Q: What are the spots on black and white cows?
A: Holstains

Blubber Gum

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Q: What do whales like to chew?
A: Blubber gum!

Chicken Crosses the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Santa Jaws

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Q: Who gives alligators presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!

I like your thinking

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A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Continue reading

Vampire shark

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Q: What’s worse than being bitten by a shark?
A: Being bitten by a vampire shark

Raccon learning new language

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Q: When does a Raccoon go “moo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

He’s a Rain -deer

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Frogs favourite place

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Q :What is a frogs favorite place to eat?
A :At ihop!

Bullogna

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Q: What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
A: Bullogna

Meals on Wheels

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Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: “Meals on Wheels!”

Preferred Frogs car

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Q :Whats the preferred car of frogs?
A :The Beetle.

Bhaiyya g Applied for Engineering Position

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A bhaiyyaji applied for an engineering position at an office in Uttar Pradesh. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the bhaiyyaji and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Uttar Pradesh I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong.”
Bhaiyyaji: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”

Elephants afraid of cheetahs

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Q :Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
A :Because of all the cheetahs!

Long Turtle

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Q: What do you call a turtle with 6 feet?
A: A 6-foot turtle.

Skunk with bear

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Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!

Cross Parrot With shark

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: an animal that talks your head off.

Squash

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Q :What is an elephants favorite sport?
A :Squash

Knock Knock !!

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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Goat! Goat who?
Goat to believe in magic.

Beef Jerky

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Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky

Chistmas to Ewe

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Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Long heaird hippo

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Q: What do you call a long haired hippo?
A: A hippy

Crocodile comedians

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Q: Why are crocodiles comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Penguins get money

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Q: Were do penguins get money from?
A: A fishbank.

Unique Rabbit

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Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

To get other

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Q :Why did the whale cross the road?
A :To get to the other tide!

Millionare rabbit

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Q: Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
A: He was a millionhare!

Polar Bear with Harp Seal

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Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Grab a Bite

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Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?
A: Do you want to grab a bite?

it all happened so fast

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office. “What happened to you? the officer asks. “A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied. “Can you describe what they looked like?” “I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

Master to santa

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Master bachiya nu puchda hai, daso vade ho ke tusi ki banna chaoge?
shunty : me Engineer banna chanda haan.
bunty : me doctor banna chanda haan.
dipti : me achi maa banna chandi haan.
santa : te me dipti di madad karna chanda haan.

Rabbit hood

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Q: What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the
A: Rabbit Hood.

Raccoon with carrot

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Q: What do you call an Raccoon with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Cuckoo-cluck

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Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!

poor skunk

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

hitchicking toad

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Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad?
A: Hop in!

She was a candy

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Q: Did you hear about the donkey that was afraid to speak up for herself?
A: She was a candy-ass.

Professor becomes Plumber

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images (3)

The Wonderful Husband🐰…. Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ‘Hello’ WOMAN: ‘Honey, 🐝it’s me… R u at the club?’ MAN: ‘Yes’😍 WOMAN: ‘I’m at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?’ MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you really like it.’😘 WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one 🚗 I really liked.’ MAN: ‘How much?’ WOMAN: ‘$98,000’ MAN: ‘OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.’ WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for $980,000/-.’ MAN: ‘well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it’s really a pretty good price.’ WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!’ MAN: “You’re worth it. ‘Bye!’ The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open 😧 The man turns and asks “Anybody knows whose phone📱 this is?” 😍👏👍😝😳😁

Pollunomial Parrots

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Q: What do you call a parrot that doesn’t eat?
A: A polynomeal (polynomial)

policeman caught nasty boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a ferret in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Dinosaur go extinct

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Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
A: Because they wouldn’t take a bath!

Shell Block

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Q: Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
A: To the shell-block.

Pickup your truck

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says… “You can’t drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says “OK”… and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… “I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies… “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Larkian agg lagati hain

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Santa : daso kehde office wich ladies kam nahi kar sakdi?

Banta: firebrigade?

Santa: Q ?

Banta: firebrigade da kam aag bhujana hunda hai aag lgana nahi !

Otter knows how to drive ?

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Q: An otter and an otter are in a car, who’s driving?
A: Animal Control

Neigh buzz

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Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz

A Polygon

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Q: What figure describes a lost parrot?
A: A polygon!

Non typical white tail

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Q: What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

grape under porcupine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Homework is at home

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Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: No
Me: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Office memo

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Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 office-memo-joke-1

Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch
as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

office-memo-joke-2

Surgery:

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Tadpole

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Q :What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A :A tadpole!

He’s Rabbit fan!

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Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A:Oh, yes. He’s a rabbit fan!

Top 20 funny quotes

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[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Jockey communicate

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Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse?
A: He lays his cards on the stable.

Women call a frog

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A :What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Q :Lilly.

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic

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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Boy-and-girl-kissing

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

Baboom

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Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A: Baboom!

Tyrannosaurus Flex

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Q: What was the most flexible dinosaur?
A: Tyrannosaurus Flex.

moron platy

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Q: Why did the Platypus cross the road?
A: Because he wanted to see his flat mate.

Ate a duck

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Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.

Tiger with a snowman

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Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

platypus crossing the road

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Q: Why did the platypus cross the road?
A: To show the possum that it could be done.

Favourite Kitchen tool

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Q: what is a cats favorite kitchen tool?
A: The “whisker”.

Mooooove Over

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Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!

Potato with elephant

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Q :What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
A :Mashed potatoes!

Bihari in college

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Subject: A class in Bihar College This is a true incident which happened in a college: A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesn’t know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted “follow me” .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted “Don’t follow me” and went inside the class……..
Bihari Professor.
Inside the Class:
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves -take the bigger half.
Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal just passed away in the corridor.
You, meet me behind the class.
Both of you three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please .. I have winter in my nose today…
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver…..
Take 5 cm wire of any length….

Letter to her friend

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Q: How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
A: In a HEN-velope!

Avagadro love to mash

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Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy

Smoking Cigarette

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Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself?
A. She’s smoking a cigarette.

Chicken crossed the road

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

Santa’s Reindeer

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Q : Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A : “Rude”-olph!

Worst then a bite

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Q :Why couldn’t the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
A :His balk was worse than his bite!

horn-aments

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Q :What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
A : “Horn”-aments!

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Shark cross the road

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Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide!

Otter with carrot

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Q: What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can’t hear you!

Blonde Pet zebra

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Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot!

Donkey Auction

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Q: What do you get cross an optimetrist convention and a donkey auction?
A: Two eyegl-asses for the price of one.

In tha pasture

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Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up?
A: In the pasture

Barney in an elevator

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Q: What’s green and purple and goes up and down?
A: Barney in an elevator.

Hourgl-ass

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Q: What do you call a donkey that keeps time?
A: Hourgl-ass

Donkey that can go

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Q: What do you call a Donkey that can go 0-40 in 3.4 seconds?
A: Fibergl-ass

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

100 Camels for Wife

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US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

It just let out a wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the otter stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

They beat eggs

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Q: Why don’t chickens like people?
A: They beat eggs!

End of Ramadan

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Can I Stay
Here
In
Ur
InbOx
&
Wait Till The End Of Ramzan
So
That
I
Can B
The 1st Who
Wish

A
Very sweet
&
Happy Eid Mubarik

A Brr-grrr

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Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A “brrr”-“grrr”!

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

No Result Found

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?
A: I’m not sure – but I wouldn’t try smelling it!

Coutnt them all

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Q: Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?
A: Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

Japenese Shocked Behari Rocks

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The Japanese government offers Rabri Devi a golden deal. “Give us Bihar for a year, We will make it like Japan.”
Rabri Devi replies. “Give us Japan for a month. We will make it like Bihar”.

Owl caught in the act

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Q: What do you call an owl caught in the act?
A: Spotted!

Mehengi Jaga Chaltay Hai

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Wife: Aji suniye, mujhe kisi mehengi jaga le ke chaliye na ji….

Husband: Chalo, tayyar ho jao…

Husband wife going expensive place

Guess where he took her….
………
……..
…..
….

..
.
.
.
.

Petrol pump!!!

Frogs are happy

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Q :Why are frogs so happy?
A :They eat watever bugs them!

What Does He do?

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?” The assistant says, ” 2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.” ”What about the green one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.” ”What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”That one’s 10,000.” The man says, ”What does HE do?” The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.

Mommy sharks and daddy

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Q: why did the mommy shark and daddy shark get divorced
A: they no longer loved each other

Nice Knawing you

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Q: What did they llama say to the blade of grass?
A: Nice knawing you!

Different between OJ simpson

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Q: What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and the Sharks?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence…

Twelve foot tooth Brush

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Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A: A twelve-foot toothbrush

Wear Sunglasses

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Q : Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A : Because he didn’t want to be recognised!

Cross gator and Poison Frog

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Q :What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A :A croakadile.

Squirrel For the Holiday

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.

World without engineers

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Engineers had made our life very comfortable by using science and technology.
But have u ever imagined what would the world look like without engineers, If not then here r
some of the pics what would our life be like :-

Transportation

Mechanical and automobile engineer

Civil engineer of old age
Continue reading

Teddy bear race

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Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

To prove his Possum

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Q: Why did the Koala cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Pride of Giraffe

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Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

Talkin Owl

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Owl?
A: A spelling bee!

A mathematician organizes a raffle

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A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.

Math-raffle

Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”

Three feet of my cock

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Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

Ferret favourite song

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Q: What is a ferret’s favorite song?
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl…

End of the rainbow

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Q :Where do frogs keep their treasure?
A :In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Dinosaur with high heals

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

Prancer always wet

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Q : Why is Prancer always wet?
A : Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Goat With Beer

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Q :What do you call a goat with a beard?
A :Goatee!

Why do you have Breast on your back

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The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back?” The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”

Healthy Rabbit

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Q: What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit?
A: One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!

Whale of a tale

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Q :How do you make a fish laugh?
A :Tell a whale of a tale.

Cow laughs to hard

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Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard?
A: It Cowlapses!

Tiger eats the comedian

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Q: What happened when the tiger ate the comedian ?
A: He felt funny !

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

600 Pound Gorilla

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Q:What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
A:Anything it wants!

Leap year

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Q :What is a frogs favorite time?
A :Leap Year!

Intelligent Grape

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Q: What did the grape say when the ferret stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

I got in the back seat by mistake

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A drunken man phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

Drunk-man-in-car

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Stable diet

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Q: Why are most horses in shape?
A: Because they are on a stable diet.

Reindeer wera fur coats

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Q : Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A : Because they would look silly in plastic macs!

terrible lawyers

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Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Got milk?

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Q: What did one dairy cow say to another?
A: Got milk?

Little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the Lemur stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Milking stool have

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Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder

Its whale Of a Tale

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Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale

Headmaster and Buflings

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Q: What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

Hello-hello

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Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

what are you doing?

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a grasshopper sitting next to him. “Are you a grasshopper?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The grasshopper replied, “Well, I liked the book.

one night challenge for man

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Big Fingers

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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers!

Mooney

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Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
A: Mooney.

Gatorade

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Q: What do alligators drink before a race?
A: Gator-Ade.

Frogs listens music

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Q :What kind of music do frogs listen to?
A :Hip Hop

Caught peepin

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Embarrassed Elephant

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Q :What’s grey but turns red?
A :An embarrassed elephant!

Clever Prisoner and the prison guard

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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

Prisoner-and-the-flower

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”

Chickens foot

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Q: Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Nobody’s herd

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Q: What happened to the lost cattle?
A: Nobody’s herd.

Pony spayed

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There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her “fixed.” The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he’d always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly. Moral of the Story? “A pony spayed is a pony yearned.”

Leatherback Sec turtle

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Q: What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Miserable guy in the bar

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A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
Beer-bar

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

Bite off your head

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Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!

Sir???

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Q :What do you call a hamster that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

Morse Toad

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Q :What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
A :Morse toad!

At the Spawn shop

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Q :Where do you get frogs eggs?
A :At the spawn shop!

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Tiger lily

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Q: What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
A: A tiger lily!

Spelling bee

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking hippo?
A: A spelling bee!

Monkey go to drink

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Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!

Raat ko koi awaz to nai ayi ?

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Pappu : Kal papa kue wich gir gye, badi shattan lagi, bade chiilla rhe si.

Banta : hun ki hal hai ?

Pappu : Thik hi hone, raat to kue toh koi awaz nahi ayi

Mooooved to tear

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Q: What do you call a sad cow?
A: Mooooved to tears.

Crocodile with GPS

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Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.

Cross owl with oester

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Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster?
A: Pearls of Wisdom

Fleece Navidad!!

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Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: “Fleece Navidad!”

Bihari Headache :D

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A Bihari after coming back from a three hour long class says “Saala pura body headache maar raha hai “

Drinking crazy

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A man and his pet seagull walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my seagull.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the seagull falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a seagull.”

Afraid of getting toad

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Q :Why didn’t the frog park on the side of the road?
A :He was afraid of getting toad!

Wears big and grey masks

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Q :What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
A :The elephantom of the opera!

Sas-gorilla

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Q: What’s a monkey’s favourite drink?
A: A sas-gorilla.

Horse say to other horse

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Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.

Get me a beer before it starts

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

Men-watching-tv
The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Like A coconut

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Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

Rabbit with no hair

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Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Farmer like a maigcian

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Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow into pasture.

Curiosity killed the cat

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Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted a dog to teach her how to bark?
A: Curiousity killed the cat.

Policeman caught Nasty Boy

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A policeman caught a nasty little Australian boy with a BB gun in one hand and a koala in the other. “Now Listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy. “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”

Police de gadi te ghar wali

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Police di gadi te gharwali wich common ki h?
dono apne aan te bda shor machande hai.

Cross a gator

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Q: What do you get when you cross a gator and a poison frog?
A: A croak-odile.

Lawn moo-er

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Q :What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A :A lawn moo-er.

Nasty Wife

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A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!

Do sitting on Rabbit

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit?
A: A chili dog on a bun!

Bugs Bunny !

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Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!

March Of Penguins

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Q: What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins?
A: Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk

Call group of chicken

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Q: What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A: A Hensemble.

Cristmas is coming

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Q : How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
A : He looks at his calen-“deer”!

Tiger Eat Lion

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Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat your or a lion?
A: I would rather have a tiger eat a lion.

Double crosser

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: He was a double-crosser!

Tiger sing at Christmas

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Q: What do tigers sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle bells!jungle bells!

Talking lemur…

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Q: What’s more amazing than a talking Lemur?
A: A spelling bee!

Don’t be aggressive on Eid day..

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Wishing You HAPPY EID MUBARAK in Advance For The Following 10 Yerar,

2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020

Agar Coming 10 Years Main Aap Ko Koi Pehlay Wish Karnay Ka Dawa Karay,

Tau Aik Rakh Kay Chamaat Daina Aur Yeh SMS Dikha Daina.

O.K

Don’t Delete It.

Name for twins

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Raabert had twins and comes to the “Boss”…..

twins in bollywood

Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakho Peter….
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.

Mickey Moose

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Q: What do you get when you cross a mouse and a deer?
A: Mickey Moose

Stegosaurus

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Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A: A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

Dino-Store

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Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things?
A: At a dino-store!

Horse that lose a race

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Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: Sherbet

moltiplication

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Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication

Little boy on Donkey

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donkey_dead

An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, “What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey.” So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said,” Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, “That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them.” So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You’ll Eventually Lose Your ASS!

Tiger on a Pogo Stick

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Q: Whats striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

chiropractor

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Q: Why did Avogadro stop going to a chiropractor on October 24th?
A: He was only tense to the 23rd!

Bird that talks

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Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

Feet are Saurus

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur with high heels?
A: My-feet-are-saurus

I know its early

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I know its too early…
but l have hundreds of boys and pretty girls to wish…
So I decided to finish off Uncles & Aunties first!

Cross polar bear with seal

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

Twas the Night After Christmas

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‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”

I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”

The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”

“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”

Stable tennis

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Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis.

Dusky husky

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Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Fast food

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Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?
A: Fast food.

Elk a seltzer

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Q : What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
A : “Elk”-a-seltzer!

Monkey’s Uncle

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Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey’s uncle.

California ferret

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Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands. First they have to write to their representatives, educate others, obtain support, etc. then have a bill proposal pass through various committees before the government will allow the bulb to be changed.

Dear calls hunters

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Q: What do deers call hunters?
A: Doe foes.

End of th window

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Q: Where do toads keep their treasure?
A: In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Baaa-stile day

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Q: What do you call sheep taking over France?
A: Baaaa-stile Day.

Clever politician of India

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

Nasa-sending-engineer-to-mars
The last applicant
was our Indian politician (Lallu Prasad Yadav).
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”

Sitting your school desk

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Q: What should you do if you find a gorilla sitting at your school desk?
A: Sit somewhere else!

Old neigh-vy

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Q: Where do horses shop?
A: Old Neigh-vy!

Decalfenated

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Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
A: Decalfenated

Evaporated milk

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Q: What does an invisible man drink?
A: Evaporated milk!

Caramel coated popcorn

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Q: What brand of caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts do sharks prefer?
A: Cracker Sharks

Bite the bullet

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Q: Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
A: He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.

Shark make the best

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Q: What kind of sharks make the best pog players?
A: Slammerheads!

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

Saturday morning

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It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, “What are you up to?” Mary smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn’t bag an elephant —