They have Gorilla War

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Q: What do monkeys do when they’re mad at each other?
A: They have a Gorilla war!

splatter pus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Platypus and a Steamroller?
A: Splatterpus

Chicks to talk

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Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

hamster on Spring break

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Q :Where does a hamster go for Spring Break?
A: Hamsterdam!

Turtle Wax

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Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because their ears are so small!

Pet ferret

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A guy brings a ferret home , tells his wife it’s a pet. She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?” He repies , “In the bedroom.” “But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks. “I got used to you , I’m sure he will too!”

Short Dinosaur

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Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

Toad die

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Q :How did the toad die?
A :He simply croaked!

Broke the moled

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Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled

Star warts

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Q: What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
A: Star Warts!

A little wine

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Q: What did the grape say when the hippopotamus stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Peanut better type

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Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

hitchicking toad

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Q: What do you say to a hitchhiking toad?
A: Hop in!

millioinare skunk

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Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!

Reindeer stops lunch

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Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch? “Deery” Queen!

Tyrannosaurus want to sit

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Q: Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?
A: Anywhere he wants to.

Call Long John Silver

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Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!

Deviled Eggs

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Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
A: Deviled eggs!

T-rex cross road

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Q: Why did the t-rex cross the road?
A: Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet

Hippo learns language

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Q: When does a hippo go “mooooo”?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Long distance

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Q: What’s the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ?
A: Long distance!

Gorilla with Machine

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Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A gorilla with a machine gun.

Sheep Dog with rose

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Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Dog taking a bath

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Q: What kind of dog likes taking a bath?
A: a shampoodle!

Leave his momma

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Q: Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
A: Because he couldn’t bear it!

Moody Cow

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Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Meals on Wheels

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Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: “Meals on Wheels!”

Teenage mutant ninja turtle

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Q: What happens when you get into fight with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A: You get shell shocked.

Jumbo Jet

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Q :What do you call an elephant that flies?
A :A jumbo jet!

Raining cats and dogs

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Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geysur?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.

Spring chicken

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Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.

Red nosed pickels

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Q : What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
A : Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

World Weakest Animal

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Q :Whats the world weakest animal?
A :A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

Fashionable hippopotamus

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Q: What do you call a fashionable hippopotamus?
A: A hippo-ster.

Croakus

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Q: What’s a toads favorite flower?
A: A croakus!

Koala-field

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Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Milk Dude

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Q: What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!

Spastic Goat

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Q :What do you call a spastic goat?
A :Billy the kid.

Blind Jockey in a race

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blind jockey

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!” 😀 😀

Lick his own dick

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Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Unique up on it

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Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.

Bear like Bald man

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Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh…bare) place!

Penguin In a Gas station

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing thisthe clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?” The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.” The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. “Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!” “Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a great time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Toads lay so many Eggs

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Q: How do toads manage to lay so many eggs?
A: They sit eggsaminations!

Smart Porcupine

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a porcupine sitting next to him. “Are you a porcupine?” asked the man, surprised. “Yes.” “What are you doing at the movies?” The porcupine replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

Crocodile attack lawyers

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Q: Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!

Macintosh Computer

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Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat?
A: A Macintosh

Missed match socks

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Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash?
A: Evidence.

Credit Card

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

Tell a runaway horse

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Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA!

Lollihops :D

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Q: What’s a toads favorite sweet?
A: Lollihops!

Chistmas to Ewe

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Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Bottle Of vinegar

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Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Taunt a crocodile

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Q: Why shouldn’t you taunt a crocodile?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.

Tadpole is new to the area

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Q: Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
A: Because he was newt to the area!

Stuckt

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Q :What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A :Stuck!

Happy polar bears

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Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!

Dirty double crosser

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Q : What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A :  A dirty double-crosser!

Shelfies

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Q: What kind of photos does a turtle take?
A: Shellfies.

Tired to fired

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Q: Did you hear about the man who tried to feed a bear an Apple?
A: It didn’t bear fruit.

Girls of my Ex-boyfriend

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Q :Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl. Boy:
A :Who?

When your nose touches the ceiling

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Q :How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A :When your nose touches the ceiling!

Ten Pounds

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Q: Whats the difference between your mom and a blue whale?
A: ten pounds.

Shark terk

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Q: What is a sharks favorite sci-fi show
A: Shark Trek

Paint rabbits on his head

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Q: Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Cute Friday

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Q: A man from the olden days rode into town on his horse he spended six days and left on Friday how is this possible?
A: Friday was the name of his horse.

Giraffe snots

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Q: Whats green and hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot.

Get a horse drunk

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Q: How do you get a horse drunk?
A: Drink him under the stable.

Golf blooded Frog

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Q :What do you call a rich frog?
A :A golf blooded amphibian!

Sergeants in tha army

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Q: How are tigers are like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

Cougars always meat raw meat

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Q: Why do cougars always eat raw meat?
A: Because they don’t know how to cook.

Monkey cook his toast

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Q: Where does a monkey cook his toast ?
A: Under a gorilla!

Law of gravity

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Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!

Sharks favourite century

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Q: Who was the shark’s favorite 20th century art figure?
A: Marcel DuChomp

Cross Squirell with Kangroo

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What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground

Will those do you P ?

Alchoholic skunk

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A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my skunk.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a skunk.”

Religios skunk

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Q: What did the religious skunk say?
A: “Let us spray!”

Firen from hi job

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Q: Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
A: He would only do the BEAR minimum.

Drinking Eve

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man and his pet grasshopper walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my grasshopper.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the grasshopper falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a grasshopper.”

Kind of horses

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Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk?
A: Nightmares!

Cross a Donkey with

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Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A: a piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!

Jawbreaker

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Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.

Teenage sharks

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Q: What was the teenage sharks favorite internet site
A: MyShark

Frog wear Jumpsuit

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Q :What do stylish frogs wear?
A :Jumpsuits!

Life in a Zoo

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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow” said the cow. “Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make milk for the farmer” said the cow. “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken,” said the chicken. “Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken. “Right – o, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

Owl owling

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Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck ‘er!

Dinosaur slept all day

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Q: Which dinosaur slept all day ?
A: The dino-snore!

Man kills a deer

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes’. The little girl screams to her brother ‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole..

night of drinking

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A man and his pet Lemur walk into a bar. It’s about 5pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.” So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my Lemur.” The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the Lemur falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.” To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a Lemur.”

mattypus

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Q: What do you get when you cross a platypus and a long division problem? A: A Mathypus.

Smarter talking cat

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Q: What is smarter than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Pure Evil

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Q: Which dinosaur is pure evil?
A: Daemonosaurus.

Night cream

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Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay

Abbreviation of ABCDEFG & GFEDCBA

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What is ABCDEFG?

boy-proposing

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

boyfriend-and-girlfriend

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Its Shadow

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Q: What is as big as a gorilla but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

Sheep with no legs

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Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Tweeting on test

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Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.